CPTSD hits like a freight train. -Popping my head up to say hi-

[rippleffect]

Its hard writing this

3 years ago, it was approaching xmass and I didnt feel right. I have fought and survived major depression. This was something else. My mind was constantly preparing for doom. I felt emotionally numb. For weeks I was unable to feel,.. anything.
I brought my partner a gift I couldnt afford, in a frantic attempt to try to enjoy the day. I had to hold myself back from crying as he opened it. Something was very, very wrong.

I went to my doctors and asked to speak to somone. He recommended a small private psyc hospital that had programs for stress.
While I was talking with there doctor, he made a Freudian slip after I revealed something and for a moment, he showed me who he was inside. That destroyed our professional relationship instantly and I asked to have him replaced. I was told that I would have to go back into the room, alone with him to talk about it. He had amnesia of that part of our talk.
I felt trapped. Like noone was listening to me. The staff just ignored me. I regressed back to when I was 7 and a ward of the state, by mistake. and for a week noone noticed I was doing stuff like looking at the locks on doors, or working out which windows I could break, even though the place was completely open.
after that I went straight to the local emergency room, a nurse treated me like I was drug seeking. Even though I was just trying to get help. After fighting with 2 psyc teams, I was admitted to the cardiac unit because they were concerned I was about to have a heartattack.

I found a really good councler and she started throwing tests at me. She diagnosed me with CPTSD 😞
The last few years of my life have brought up childhood traumas to front & centre. its all flooding back. my earliest one is an assault.

recently ive been having trouble finding anything positive

spontaneously crying constantly

feeling that i was robbed of a life. of basic things others have like beign happy

Im 38, for the first time in my life, ive felt jealous of others in happy relationships and I hate that feeling

Ive thought of self harm since i was 7. recently, those kinds of thoughs are bad. when my friend hurt me just before xmass, i considered breakign my arm, just to externalize the pain. i hate those thoughts.

im autistic, a 3% deviation from neurotypical and along with other things, that gives me photographic memory which right now is not fun. all my memories at the moment are bad

looking to chat wt others, share my experiences, heal maybe

Nick

[Leisa68]

Hi, rippleffect,

I'm so sorry for what you are going through. I have somewhat of an understanding as I have cPTSD from childhood abuse and often have flashbacks. This condition has played an enormous negative part in my life and challenges any good relationships and experiences that I have had. I feel especially sorry for you in regards to the therapy and medical help you have been receiving, which is well below par and has probably exacerbated your condition.

I have fortunately and finally been in touch with a good psychologist and psychiatrist and they are currently helping me through a rough period. I hope your experience has not dampened your search for help, as it is the only way out of such a rough time in my experience. Maybe the people here at Beyondblue can help if you give them a call and I'm sure you know that there is Lifeline. Something that has helped me as well, is working or studying, taking my mind off things (if I can).

I sincerely hope things will get better for you. I hope you find the peace you are searching for.

Leisa68

[rippleffect]

Thank you for your reply Leisa68

crappy mental health services are no surprise to me. it was a psyc who did not agree that ADHD was a real thing who got me made a ward of the state. Its taken a while to find a good councillor but I did find a really nice lady who just does trauma stuff.

I call the flashbacks "memory cascades" my mind flips through a torrent of memories, faster then I can see and it spits one out at random it seems. sometimes Im remberign stuff that I had deeply supressed half my life.

I think my psyc knows Im keeping him at arms length. I only see him every 6 months so hes not really involved in the treatment stuff, other then managing meds.

Im glad you have a good team and there helping. childhood trauma sucks. ironically, ive alwase wanted to be a paediatric psychiatrist, but i didnt get to that dream. i still like helping people though.

I have found myself opening up to my councler, i know its important if i want to get better. Were doing EMDR, and it seems to help but it alwase triggers stuff and for me, I know its goign to take a long time to do all the treatment.

I didnt realize how bad it was effecting me till she was talking about gettign me on the NDIS so i could get the help i needed, while compairign all the results of the tests she had done it kind of sank in. there was a reason for the nightmares, and everythign else.

right now my mind is taking me back to when i was nursing mum, before she passed. i my mind seems to know autamaticlly when things happened and I find myself back in a memory. when its bad i can just sit and cry silently. or , my other system of dealing with stress. regression, a fun form of disassociation that first happened(to my knowledge) when i was 7 and i would regress at night and durign the day to escape what was goign on. its never really been a big issue till recently where im doing it withought control.

Working has been off the table for me for a while but I want to start a small online buisness. Its just.. very difficult to focus on that when your tellign yourself your just goign to fail anyway. I have some self confidence issues I need to work out that creep in when im in a bad head place.

Just gettign out and seeign other people recently has been rather difficult with pandemic stuff goign on. Im a social creature at heart. I miss that stuff.

thanks again for your reply.