The thoughts that haunt

[A_Penitent_K]

I'll just start. I suppose some perspective is necessary here. About 6 months ago I had steady employment, it wasn't challenging, perhaps a little boring and filled with the kind of sordid banality that can only exist in modern offices. But it had routine and that is it turns out was unreasonably important. An inflection occurred in September when I was at a conference and presented some things I had been working on. I gave a presentation on phenomena I thought everyone new about, I was wrong and this turned into an offer of employment with a specialist company. No sane person turns down employment that comes to you with little effort. Especially when it's with a global specialist firm. However this work require me to travel and be away from home. This has been my utter undoing.

The last 6 months have been agony. I have consistent and ever present anxiety about the upcoming work away from home. It is all consuming and requires Sisyphean mental gymnastics to keep it at bay. The fear and sadness of being away from home is totally crippling, a large portion of my day is spent controlling the fear and the overwhelming sadness. The raw mental horsepower required to maintain a semblance of function in society is unbelievable. By the end of the day, I am spent, gone. I have no energy for even the most basic tasks, it's all spent on managing the sadness and fear. Little processing power is available for anything else. To add morbid insult to injury, the anxiety sadness and fear is ever present now. Fear and crippling sadness knowing that I am going and fear and sadness when I am away.

There is a component of self loathing of course. I feel like I should have had more insight into my emotional well being criteria. I had my child hood in the Balkans, right at the time when the entire Balkan region was going through a process of self immolation. A lot of the horrors I have seen will accompany my to my grave. I was Diagnosed with PTSD when I first came to Australia, but I have since managed to control it. This is possibly where the requirement for routine came in. Of course now it’s a wonderful chemical cocktail of PTSD and Anxiety and whatever else is going on in the 1,500CC of salty porridge I have residing in my skull.

I am writing this maybe for posterity, maybe as an exercise in self-exorcism. An attempt to externalise the thoughts. I want to quit, I am so very tired of this self torment.

The sadness and fear on repeat without respite.

[A_Penitent_K]

Croix,

No presumption necessary, all visitors to these pages are all sheltering under a terrible mountain. So if I can help someone find away over or around, that is service enough.

An update,

I had no pretences in my first appointment, primarily due to never having been in one. I can admit, without too much hesitation, that there were moments when I questioned what exactly I was doing there? Surely I am just
wasting everyone’s time? There was a moment where I thought I’d convinced myself that I was fine and that I just needed to go home, maybe have a drink
and get on with it.

Maybe, maybe not, but I am learning to not be astonished with the minds ability that even when it’s so deep in some hole to still look for Gold somewhere down there.

In any case all those delusion were quickly dispelled in the first fifteen minutes of conversation. Of course you think it’ll be difficult to talk about situations, or in the very least tiring of revisiting the same conversation
you’ve had countless times before. But it wasn’t, it was a relief, even if temporary, it was a relief.

I was hoping against hope that maybe one visit was all I needed to iron out the wetware in my head.

I understand, at least now, that I am on a very long road. I am hoping that there is peace at the end of this road.

At least I’ve learned that insight into a situation is not the same as a cure.

[Croix]

Dear A_Penitent_K~

I'm glad you are back, I wondered how you went. No fresh references to play with in your post - good I guess.

An encouraging post, more 'settled', a tad less pain?

So if I can help. I found that by turning my affliction to good use and telling my story to others, they responded. That helps me as well as them. I've changed a lot since first coming to the Forum. I thought it was just inside here, but my wife & son assure me it's outside as well. There's some sort of magic in here I guess (no I don't really believe in magic). Maybe it will affect/infect you too in time.

I hate it when people tell me how well off I am, so I'm going to spread the misery and point out your gold.

I do have a wife, who is infinitely caring and supportive

I found that my recovery would not have been possible without my wife, she shouldered the burdens when I was useless and anti-social

However I am convinced that the relief would be temporary. It is not a field I can let go of so easily.

Intelligence, self-knowledge, determination.

You'll need them all, but you have them.

But it wasn’t, it was a relief, even if temporary, it was a relief.

Therapy is going to work, no antagonism, no denial, realism.

I am on a very long road. I am hoping that there is peace at the end of this road

Hope will be met. I found that peace (well >80%?), and not all that long road was a 'terrible mountain'. It became livable quite quickly.

I don't need to go on do I, you have at least as many brains as I do and can see for yourself.

BTW as an aside I disagree about 'wetware', this implies a logical software-like mechanism. Until it is fully understood this is at best an assumption, not allowing in theory the unanticipated - how about sticking with porridge? (& no I'm not in the slightest religious, though brought up in a most religious environment.)

I do have a suggestion, A_Penitent_K, if you are willing. So far you have basically talked about your illness and just a little about other matters.

Perhaps you might consider broadening the conversation, say your interests, maybe about your family, about things you have enjoyed. I'd be happy to reciprocate.

Take care of yourself

Croix

[MarkJT]

A_Penitent_K, what i have taken the most out of your post is a massively important one, "I understand, at least now, that I am on a very long road". This to me is one of the hardest things to get across in your mind.

Once, well it was for me, that decision was made that there is no quick fix, rather a sustained period of hard work and treatment before I get my life back, I felt pretty calm. I kind of knew what was in front of me.

You really sound like you have had an enlightening moment and that is so cool. Wisdom, wisdom is gold. You get to know your triggers, your moods and what keeps you grounded. Up up and away!

So happy for you.

Mark.

[A_Penitent_K]

Thanks for the posts gents, much appreciated.

Funny; how it seems that Mondays are the hardest. I am yet
trying to understand why the anxiety is at its absolute peak on Mondays, then
seems to abate as Friday afternoon comes around.

Broadening the conversation, well let’s see.

I enjoy motorcycles (who doesn’t?) and am in the process
of restoring a ’75 twin. It’s a project I have dedicated some time to; I keep
coming back to it. I think the effort required to work on a motorcycle takes
you of yourself and in order to work on it properly, you have to place the
machine in front of your needs. At the moment this has taken an aside, I would
like to say that it was life, maybe it was, maybe it wasn’t.

I also enjoy sailing, I’ve been doing that often. Total
escape and the feeling of just knowing you can go anywhere you want, is
freeing.

Reading is also a constant companion, I like to do that as
much as possible and always have a book beside me.

[Croix]

Dear A_P_K~

Sorry for the abbreviation of your name, the 'penitient' bit jars me I'm afraid - I know you chose it, put it down to dissatisfaction with my distant religious upbringing.

You sound in control and composed. I feel glad for you (and yes I know myself there are ups & downs).

On Mondays, well I guess there is a cause, you might be able to ferret it out, then again it might not be obvious. So the productive thing to do -why am I telling you, you will have worked it out already - is to combat the buildup with good lifestyle, exercise, distraction, self-help - BTW have you tried the "Smiling Mind" app?

If you are back home clean the carbs & tune them on your 2-cylinder. Getting them in balance will probably be absorbing. I once has a bike with 4, boy was that a pain, each with it's own cable. Or try re-spoking a wheel, hours of fun.

Sailing is fine, though I doubt one can just duck out the back door and get instant relief - perhaps on Sundays prior to Mondays?

All not much help if you are still away from home. Books sound good.

Frankly books were one of my saviors (still are). When I was at my worst I read adolescents' fantasy, later slightly older fantasy, now adult fantasy plus lots of others - all with happy endings. Comfort reading.

At the start concentration was a big issue. A strange concept for me as I'd always been an avid reader of catholic tastes.

As time and practice took hold they were my retreat and strengthening place. They still are. If I'm ever completely cured I'll be able to go back to reading anything, as true to life as one gets - but not now - Angela's Ashes etc are dusty on the shelf.

Do you find you can retreat into the world of a book and submerge all in it?

I guess I'd like to know how the psychologist is panning out, has a good strategy, all planned out, homework? As Mark may have said getting the right person is vital, they must be understanding, on your side, and also be 'going somewhere'. If you end up with CBT or similar you may feel completely 'wrung out' by the end of a session and be grateful for someone to drive you home.

Thank you for seeing through the text to me and broadening the conversation, all meds and therapies is fine, but a little leavening makes it palatable.

Do you mind saying what sort of books or authors you prefer?

Take care of yourself

Croix

[MarkJT]

A_Penitent_K, if you like reading and enjoy sailing you should get yourself a copy of Alan Sparkes's book, "The Cost of Bravery". It is an amazing read of a police officer who went to the brink and has found light again. He went sailing and then sailed some more, like half way around the world and more.

I loved the book as it really spells out that no matter how low we go, we can make it back.

I am not a fan of motorbikes but being an ex mechanic can understand the love of a project. I would so love to one day have an old convertible Mustang to do up. One day!!

Even though the bike is one the side, can you give an amount of time to a specific area of it? Say for a car for me, I might concentrate on the wheels that day. Nothing to big but just enough to keep me occupied. Do it up little by little instead of a full time job.

Mark.

[A_Penitent_K]

Hi Croix

Rest assured that I share same aversion to all things
religious. Penitent, regretful, remorseful, contrite, rueful all seemed
appropriate when picking a name for a site like this.

I am glad I can place a façade of control. This week isn’t
turning out a particularly good one. And for no discernible reason really,
other than that’s what my mind has decided is a reasonable state. It’s tiring
maintaining a façade though. Tiring for two reasons, one it genuinely is
exhausting maintaining control. The second of course is a constant self-criticism
and needle like introspection to find out exactly what is wrong and extinguish
it. But of course, everywhere you look there is nothing to be found.

Thanks, I have heard of the smiling mind app, but have never
looked deep into it, I know there are several ones. Like 10% happier and
headspace. These are obviously tools I must begin using. It’s just deciding on
which one is the best. I am particularly interested in the work of Joseph
Goldstein, I’ve downloaded his app [10% happier]. I’ll keep you posted about
the results.

Yeah balancing carbs is not for the faint hearted. I am in
the machining everything phase, the research to find someone competent is
calming. You’re right, sailing is not something you can just easily pick and go
with, it takes a day to prepare.

No dissent from me; books have always been my saviour. I
totally understand the fantasy thing. I have that with certain TV shows [Sherlock
is currently medicine]. For some reason after watching the show I am genuinely
o.k for a little bit. I have never been much of a fiction reader, I am always
reading non-fiction books. Sometimes book work sometimes they don’t, I think it
doesn’t work as well in non-fiction, it’s hard to focus sometimes. Currently
the works of Marcus Aurelius and Epictetus are helping me through the day,
though ancient are strangely applicable to my/our situation. I like all non-fiction
and read as widely as I can. It’s been hard recently to focus, so my reading
has slowed down drastically.

I’ve just had one session with the psych so far. My next is
on Saturday. No strategy yet, the psych were taken aback when you present all
the facts bare like that. I think they may have to sit down and work through
everything I’ve said. It was just me talking and the psych asking questions. I
aim to keep you up to date through the process.

[A_Penitent_K]

Hi Mark

Thank you for the book recommendation, I will certainly read
it. Really appreciate it.

Yes an old mustang would be something, wouldn’t it???

I have been working through it, little by little. Just focusing
on one thing at a time to keep me occupied.



Thanks for the talk gents!

[MarkJT]

A_Penitent_K, no worries mate. When you are working on your bike, how does that make you feel? Is it relaxing? Do you get frustrated with anything? I think it would be a really good hobby rather than a job where you have to get things done by a certain time sort of thing.

Exit Wounds is another great book by Major General John Cantwell (ADF). Warning though this book contains plenty of pretty real stories from war. Is a brilliant book to read though.

Cheers

Mark.

[A_Penitent_K]

Hey Mark,

Sometimes it’s relaxing and I develop a certain tunnel
vision where that’s the only thing I am aware of. More often however the
anxiety sits in the background of whatever task I am performing and is ever
present.

I am yet to develop coping strategies for the anxiety.



Thanks for the other book recommendation, appreciate it.