How do you explain sexual assault in marriage

[Shadow25]

I'm new at this. Hard to find the words to describe what I'm going through at the moment but I'll try.

Life has been tough for the past 7 yrs. I was diagnosed with severe carer burnout/depression when I was not coping with looking after my severely disabled son. Unfortunately he died 6 months later. After looking after him for 25 years I was lost to say the least. With the help of a great GP and a psychologist I managed. Probably wasn't the best Mum to my daughters at that time.

In 2013 I separated from my husband. Just couldn't cope and wanted somone to look after me. Finally divorced in dec 2016.

All through this I had a habit of scratching myself especially when stressed. Calmed down for awhile then got worse last year with stress of selling family home, divorce etc

My GP wanted to know why I was still doing this. Was it something that happened in my childhood?

It led me to lookback at aspects of my marriage and what I discovered wasn't pretty. Things I knew were there but didn't acknowledge because I had my son and 2 daughters to look after are now making their prescence felt.

I have told my GP and psychologist and a close friend but can't bring myself to tell my family. Is this normal? My brother and sister know I've had a rough time but keep telling me to look forward not backward. Just so hard at the moment. Tempting to lock it all away, try and forget it happened. I need to work this out so if I start another relationship I can trust again.

I know talking will help just feel so scared at the moment.

Shadow25

[TBella]

Welcome Shadow 25

this is my first day on here to & so I know how much courage it took you to share!

i was sexually abused by a number of people & I was so scared to tell my mum! I discussed it with a counsellor first & wrote a letter to my mum as practise for what I was going to say. I was so anxious the day I finally told her! But I found it felt like the weight had be lifted after I told her! The secret was out & the power of the secret broken! The power of the shame was gone, I realised it wasn't my shame to carry- it was the offenders shame! I didn't care what others thought anymore because the shame was gone & the false guilt!

Maybe you can write a letter to tell your family if that feels safer! It doesn't matter how you tell them! You will tell them when your ready. So be patient & kind to yourself.

You are also dealing with a lot of grief & pressure!

You sound like a pretty , caring , giving, brave, strong, courageous & awesome woman to me! Just know it's ok not to be strong all the time! Give yourself permission to be a mess some days. To know you have support here- we're here to listen & help on those bad days! You don't have to do this alone. And you don't have to tell anyone until you're ready & you'll know when your ready!

sending you a hug & lots of love, strength & wisdom!

x TBella

[blondguy]

Usually I would say Welcome to the forums Shadow25...If I can firstly say how sorry I am for the loss of your son and what you have been through whilst caring for your family.

Welcome to the Beyond Blue forums and good on you for posting too!

I cant even fathom the pain and anguish you have gone through Shadow...

I used to grind my teeth a lot....(same as scratching).....we are reacting to what we have been going through

If you arent up to telling your family then dont. What has happened to you is bad news...whether married or single its just not on in any way shape or form.

I have had anxiety/depression and been working in senior roles for 35 years so I understand the repercussions of being treated badly is concerned. There is no such word as normal as if I wasnt ready to talk about being bashed by my ex...I wouldnt necessarily bury it.....(as that wouldnt be really healthy) but I would let everyone know when I had the strength and was strong enough to do it.

I think you are an amazing person to have summoned the strength you have and posted here. I wish I was as strong Shadow. Ive been on here for 12 months after being redundant and had trouble posting anything let alone my own thread.

If I may ask you what your psychologist recommended you do where telling people. I understand that its important to vent what has happened to you. I know it would feel absolutely awful telling you family....I get it....but the cost of carrying around what has happened may be even higher.

Your health (peace of mind) is paramount here.....That much I do understand.

There are also many kind people on the forums that can be here for you Shadow....You are more than welcome to post as often as you wish......even just for a chat. You are not alone here Shadow. We have tight rules only to ensure your privacy is respected and assured.

I hope you can post back (at your convenience of course) 🙂

my kind thoughts for you

Paul

[geoff]

hello Shadow, I'm sorry for the loss of your son and to look after him for so long must have taken most of your life away, and I'm sure your daughters would understand, but there must be a point in time where it does become a very challenging effort for you, and this is what has happened in the last 7 years.
If you don't tell your brother and sister then it will always be something on your mind wondering whether you should have, because there is a feeling deep down that you want to let them know, so it will continually annoy you, so their support would be ideal.
You need to release all these feelings because in itself it's going to cause anxiety and increase your depression and then influence your life, you're had enough to cope with by yourself, even though you have a great GP and psychologist.
These two people are there to help you overcome all these terrible years, but as soon as you leave them, you're on your own until the next session, this is why you need the support from your brother and sister.
Please let us know because we here to support you as well. Geoff. x

[Shadow25]

Thanks TBella for your response.

I needed to know I wasn't alone in this. At the moment the emotions are so new and raw. I have alot to sort out.

Shadow xxx

[Shadow25]

Thanks Paul,

Opening up about how I'm feeling has been very hard. My ex was very judgemental so I tended to bury what I was feeling. Having a GP and psychologist to talk to has been good. Been hard work but slowly seeing the benefits.

My psychologist has let me set the pace for what I want to discuss/reveal. I have severe trust issues which mean it takes me a long time before I let people get close. Tendency to keep people at arm's length so they can't get close enough to hurt me. The fact I mentioned telling my family is a good sign according to her. Means I'm starting to get over my fear of being judged (if that makes sense). May be a few months down the track

Shadow

[Shadow25]

Thanks for your support, Geoff

Eventually I'll tell my brorher and sister. Just need to sort out my emotions and feelings about this. They have been a great support so far even though I haven't told them alot of detail.

The GP and psychologist have helped me open up about things and in turn let people a bit closer. Just posting on here is a big step for me.

Shadow xx

[TBella]

You're most welcome Shadow.

i remember how scary & vulnerable it felt to first talk about it!

Just do little steps, at your pace, as you're ready!

And remember it's not your shame or guilt to carry!

You are not alone! Here for you anytime you need to talk, vent, yell , scream, cry!

The healing journey has began!

Sending you love & hugs

TBella