The thoughts that haunt

[A_Penitent_K]

I'll just start. I suppose some perspective is necessary here. About 6 months ago I had steady employment, it wasn't challenging, perhaps a little boring and filled with the kind of sordid banality that can only exist in modern offices. But it had routine and that is it turns out was unreasonably important. An inflection occurred in September when I was at a conference and presented some things I had been working on. I gave a presentation on phenomena I thought everyone new about, I was wrong and this turned into an offer of employment with a specialist company. No sane person turns down employment that comes to you with little effort. Especially when it's with a global specialist firm. However this work require me to travel and be away from home. This has been my utter undoing.

The last 6 months have been agony. I have consistent and ever present anxiety about the upcoming work away from home. It is all consuming and requires Sisyphean mental gymnastics to keep it at bay. The fear and sadness of being away from home is totally crippling, a large portion of my day is spent controlling the fear and the overwhelming sadness. The raw mental horsepower required to maintain a semblance of function in society is unbelievable. By the end of the day, I am spent, gone. I have no energy for even the most basic tasks, it's all spent on managing the sadness and fear. Little processing power is available for anything else. To add morbid insult to injury, the anxiety sadness and fear is ever present now. Fear and crippling sadness knowing that I am going and fear and sadness when I am away.

There is a component of self loathing of course. I feel like I should have had more insight into my emotional well being criteria. I had my child hood in the Balkans, right at the time when the entire Balkan region was going through a process of self immolation. A lot of the horrors I have seen will accompany my to my grave. I was Diagnosed with PTSD when I first came to Australia, but I have since managed to control it. This is possibly where the requirement for routine came in. Of course now it’s a wonderful chemical cocktail of PTSD and Anxiety and whatever else is going on in the 1,500CC of salty porridge I have residing in my skull.

I am writing this maybe for posterity, maybe as an exercise in self-exorcism. An attempt to externalise the thoughts. I want to quit, I am so very tired of this self torment.

The sadness and fear on repeat without respite.

[Croix]

Dear A_Penitent_K~
First off your post – thank you. Try to look at it as the start of opening up a chink in that grey unhappy vista that has, at the moment, become your life.

There are many here who want to help – some with experiences that, while not identical, are close enough to talk with understanding.

I’m an ex-policeman. Invalided out many years ago with PTSD, and other stress related disorders including chronic anxiety, depression, no self-esteem, self blame and other things – the list went on.

So we come to an encouraging bit – though I’m going to say it in a weird way. If you look at my avatar over on the left you will see a walrus. I chose it for a variety of similarities to myself, including the fact that both walruses and I can only live in a restricted area in this world, the animal bound by ocean temperature, food and mating sites. I’m limited by my mental condition. If I consistently go outside my ‘comfort zone’ the wheels will fall off.

You have done just that. The price you are paying to keep that job is paid in the coin of anguish and torment – no job is worth that, no matter what the financial and intellectual bonuses.

Retreat. It’s that simple. I tried to go out – I had pretty much the same experience as you. Admittedly it took a while when I did return to a more limited life for things to settle down.

I unfortunately did not receive treatment for my condition as it developed and when the crisis came it was that much harder to fix. In fact very many years later I am still a work in progress.

Hope for you: I must emphasize that I have a happy and fulfilling life, family is supportive and means a great deal. Therapy and medication help. The work I do provides fulfillment, and I’m still inside those restrictive bounds of my ‘comfort zone'.

The chemical porridge in your brain can be calmed, mine was. There are still unhappy times with images too pervasive, anxieties that try to dominate, but overall life is very well worth living.

In this first conversation I’m not going to try to tell you about treatments or resources except as follows:

In you need the warmth of a human caring voice you can ring the our own 24/7 helpline (1300 22 4636), the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 65 9467), or of course Lifeline (13 11 14).

How you retreat to a better life is on your judgment – you are the expert on the spot.

Please post again and say more

Croix

[Neil_1]

Hi there A_P_K

And like Croix did, I too would like to welcome you to Beyond Blue and I must say, I had to look up a couple of words in your post … beautifully written and expressed.

Croix has responded with a very helpful post and I found a few things there that was said, that I too was going to mention, so I hopefully can also try and add my own spin on things.

The steady employment that you had (6 months ago) … is there any chance/opportunity of you to be able to go back there? And leading up to this change, do you feel that all things were on a reasonably comfortable path for you? Ie: you had no inkling of what was to come?

Of recent times, have you been to see a professional (GP) and to discuss your situation and how you’re feeling, etc? This could be a very helpful thing to follow up on?

Would love to hear back from you.

Neil

[MarkJT]

A_Penitent_K, welcome to the forums mate. What a great post yours is and so wonderfully put. I can relate to much of your story having PTSD, depression and anxiety.

The above advice is spot on so i will touch on something else.

I used to have horrific nightmares and flashbacks of trauma scenes i went to as I am a policeman. They caused a great deal of stress. What you had to endure and see throughout the troubled times in the Balkans, no one should have to go through that.

What I did was undertake a supervised course of exposure therapy. It is certainly not an easy thing to do as you are reliving the horrors of your past in explicit detail but what it did for me was take the power out of the images that i had seen. Although, like you, i will live with those memories forever but as the power was taken out of them, they no longer cause me stress.

A mate of mine had EMDR and that has worked for him. I didn't experience this type of treatment but by all accords, the research is good on it.

They are just a couple of treatments you can have for PTSD but i would discuss this with a qualified clinician first. They are not something to undertake lightly.

Are you seeing a psych currently?

Keep engaging with us in here mate and we will do our best to help guide you through this journey that you are on.

Mark.

[A_Penitent_K]

Thank you for replying, the replies I have received here are more than I could have reasonably expected. You gentlemen in the police force, I can only imagine what you good people have to go through.

The thought of quitting occurred to me incredibly often. I know it the relief it would be bring would be immediate and total. However I am convinced that the relief would be temporary. It is not a field I can let go of so easily. The reputation damage of quitting a respected company such as this in the space of less than 6 months, would undo a decade of labour. It would likely result in the premature death of my career. I would never go as far as suggesting that I would like to define my life by my career. No doubt the end result would probably be an exercise in measuring just how deep a trench of misery I can dig for myself. Of course up to this point my coping mechanism has been to bottle all my negative emotions deep down. So they can quietly fester away into mental illness.

I have a referral to a psychologist, which I am seeing next week. I am hoping against hope that he can provide some semblance of relief or coping mechanisms, so i don't feel like I am slowly going insane. To make it through the end of the year with the anchor of reality still firmly attached to the bedrock.

It helps to know that you've all had some success in conquering this.

Once again I thank you Neil1, MarkJt and Croix for posting.

[MarkJT]

A_Penitent_K, you're welcome mate. Very happy to hear that you have a psych appointment next week.

Be real interested to hear how you go. All of us have walked in your shoes and all of us have had clinical treatment so you are definitely heading down the right path.

Make sure you open right up to the psych. It is not easy to do but they are the experts so if you are going to get the best value out of it, they have to know the full story. Even if you think it is a small matter, it may not be so unload and get it all off your chest.

Hope to hear from you again.

Cheers mate.

Mark.

[Croix]

Dear A_Penitent_K~
I’m glad you posted back. I did not reply straight away but took the night to think about it. I have no pipeline to wisdom but have several things you might find useful

First is that I hold out great hope for you and think your journey may well lead to a measure of peace

Secondly that it may be a more dangerous path than you realize and you should be equipped in advance to deal with the pitfalls that may, in the form of despair, await

Before I try to explain however - your references to regret, _K and that famous punishment. I’m not sure my blundering in that area would be helpful

You have a deal of determination, which can only help. Seeing a health professional is great, normally such matters involve, if you do not already know, therapy, self-help and possibly medication. As Mark says it is vital to interact fully with them

My experiences were different than yours

First is that mine took place within the confines of ordered society, not where it had broken down and no restraints remained. Your experiences there have left their legacy, ones which gnaw at you

The second difference is that your circumstances have changed, you no longer have to return to that environment - I would have, so my attitude to what to do will be different

Like you I had a great ‘investment’ in my occupation. It was a complete life, status and identity. I could not conceive of any other - I was wrong

PTSD, Depression & Anxiety skew the thinking, so any decisions you do make whilst under their influence are possibly suspect

You have not mentioned family or others you love or hold in esteem. Is there anyone who has understanding and can give support? Without family support I might not be here.

You need, unless you already have it all, information on your existing mental illnesses.
There’s a lot on The Facts menu above, dealing with anxiety, depression, suicide. Also in browsing the PTSD, Suicidal thoughts and self-harm, Depression & Anxiety sections of this Forum. Join in should you wish

You need a safety plan (see above) probably incorporating an app:-
https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/beyondnow-suicide-safety-planning
We suggest you pre-configure the app in conjunction with others, possibly you family, and psychologist or other professional

If you’d like your safety net can include talking here, you will always find understanding and empathy

Croix

[A_Penitent_K]

Once again thank you gents.

The roller coaster is quiet something. You may experience two days of general well being and be deluded into thinking that your managing it. Yet it only takes a moment to be disavowed of that delusion.

I do have a wife, who is infinitely caring and supportive. However her notion of the landscape I find myself in, is much like my notion of the arctic.

I understand that it exists in an abstract sense, but having never visited, I have no understanding
of the terrain. Also how many times can you go over the same terrain, have the same conversation, and not be any closer to understanding? And yet expect the people around to repeat that journey with you a seemingly infinite number of times?



Will keep you all posted!

[MarkJT]

A_Penitent_K, yes you are correct that the PTSD landscape changes from day to day but after a while of going over bumps, you begin to know them. Once you know what you are in for, it makes it a tad easier to deal with.

A bad day used to send me down the gurglar but now if i wake up and feel ordinary. I know exactly what to do. I make sure i exercise, I make sure i drink lots of water, I make sure that i do my calming exercises and i am kind to myself. I don't put pressure on myself at all.

I know it is going to pass - I just have to surf the wave of emotions that have come in.

I am of the opinion that it is dam near impossible to explain to such an extent that someone who has never experienced it, actually understands it. We understand it because we have and still are to an extent walking in your shoes.

The support you have is the main thing and it is fantastic that you have it.

You will get used to the feelings and emotions. You will get to know them very well and you will figure out how you will handle them when they arrive.

Mark.

[Croix]

Dear A_Penitent_K

Thank you for coming back with an update on your life, I hope we are helping. I notice you helped too elsewhere. I guess a start of common purpose in some ways - am I being presumptuous?

The snake lies coiled
Hidden, it waits beneath
like a frost-covered field

Well yes, you could describe PTSD that way, though not so much of the hidden. I can only relate my own experiences but we have face similar situations.

For example on Saturday evening I answered a post that triggered a scene I have visited many times before. I logged off and made a drink, started a 'comfort' movie. My wife came home, I told her of my situation and she took me to the movies. By the time the showing was over I was back to "normal".

What can I say out of this? Well first even after umpteen years the 'snake' will strike - though I'm pretty good at identifying potential situations now - obviously not good enough:) Second I've developed self-awareness and can see what is happening to me and take remedial action - at the start I just endured, no self-awareness..

Third my wife understands how to combat my feelings - effectively. While she loves and supports me there is no explaining the internal landscape, and after so many years I think there is really no need. I say words to the effect of "I am going down" or "I hurt" and she responds.

Other symptoms are treated with other coping mechanisms. I dare say if I had sought help when I should matters would be somewhat better now.

I hope you've found some decent medical support and am glad you talked about keeping us posted.

Take care

Croix