Road to Recovery - 28 Years of Struggle is Enough

[C-marie]

Hi, I'm new here. I have never shared my story in writing to anyone, but this is a first step on the road to recovery. I was sexually abused by my father from as early as I can remember until the age of 12 yrs old. I was 15 when it finally came out. My mother confronted my dad about it, and he admitted to everything. She chose to stay with my Dad and support him through community workshops etc that were available at the time. I was forced at the time to go to therapy, but it didn't last as I wasn't able to deal with it at that age, so I never did. The last 28 years have quite literally been a blur for me. At 16, the drinking began - it's never stopped. It helped dull the pain - it still helps dull the pain. As too, did the pointless relationships with all the wrong men, one after the other, after the other.... I left school and did an office administration course. Work has been the one constant in my life - the one thing that kept me functioning normally. At 20, I met my husband-to-be, again, in hindsight, the wrong man for me. Someone who could barely hold down a job, someone who was distant and was not looking for commitment, someone who treated me with disrespect because that's what I felt I was worthy of. But that suited me at the time.

In January 2000, we married. I was 6 months pregnant. In April 2000, my beautiful baby boy was born. In August 2005, I had a gorgeous baby girl.

Work functions, partying and a multitude of flings throughout my marriage later, I left my husband in August 2010. I still struggle with the guilt of all of my actions - it was out drinking, that I was at my happiest. My escape.

I struggle to even write a lot about my nearly 40 years of life, as it is marred so significantly with shame, disappointment, regret, anger, sadness - so many mixed emotions.

I have been in an on again-off again relationship now for the past 4 & a half years. Again, one where he kept me at a distance right up to about a year ago. But that suited me. It is only now, that I'm starting to feel that I want for something better. I want for all the endless guilt, anger, sadness to go away. I want to proud of me and to be able to create happiness within.

I've made the decision that this is now or never. I've had opportunities presented to me that I want to take advantage of, but my negative self-worth and body image has held me back. I start therapy next week. I know it's not going to be easy, but it will be worth it.

[MarkJT]

C-marie, what a hugely courageous post - well done for coming on the forums and dropping that. Much respect.

I really love what you have done here, i love how you have said enough is enough, i love how you have made that choice, i love that you are booked in for therapy and especially love how you have recognised that even though it is going to be a tough road, it will be well worth it.

I was diagnosed with PTSD, depression and anxiety in Feb 2013. Fortunately for me, the decision to hit it head on and recover came very quickly. I have recovered quite well so i just so love seeing people who make the decision you have.

Make sure that you open up to the psych. They are the experts in the field and they need all of the information to treat you. You may want to start off slow or you may walk in and unload but they must know the full story. Do not ever feel ashamed for telling your story, never. This is easy for me to say because i didn't go through what you did but what i am getting at is that i want you to realise that.

Do you practice mindfulness? If not, it has been awesome for me so would be a great thing to start doing. It's free and you can do it anywhere.

After the psych sessions, you may find yourself to be quite exhausted. Perhaps get someone to pick you up if you can.

Your body image, what is it that you do not like about it?

When you lose your self worth, it is one of the most devastating things i have ever felt. Building it back takes time, be patient. The more your recover, the more confidence you will get and the more self worth you will get back. Patience is the main thing here. Recovering from mental health issues takes time. Do not rush it, baby steps will serve you very well.

If you have a bad day at some stage, so be it, it is a bad day. Be kind to yourself and you will get through it.

Really looking forward to travelling this journey with you. Please feel free to ask any questions that you may have or just general conversation. The forums are a very supportive area and you are now part of it.

Hope to hear from you soon.

Mark.