Supporting family through domestic abuse

[Little-Miss]

This is my first time posting to a forum. I need support with a family abuse issue.
My Dad had always had a temper and is a demanding man. Over the past year my Mum has been telling me she isn't happy, feels scared and wants Dad to leave. She said he is being controlling with money, yet buys whatever he wants. He has also tried hurting my sister a couple of times. Or goes days without acknowledging her. My sister is an adult but she has an illness and lives at home with Mum caring for her. About two months ago my sister texted to say Dad walked out. Then he started being difficult saying he was going to sell the house. Even had people to come out to have a look. I told Mum not to sign anything. And he tried to take money from the bank too. Dad was telling everyone Mum kicked him out. Then he gives her a sob story saying it's all her fault because she didn't tell him she was scared of him. And that he is now homeless and sleeping on the ground. So she lets him come back home. Now this upsets my sister, so Mum asks if she can stay with me for a little bit, because Mum said she is having a breakdown and can't cope. My Mum still visits my sister and my place every couple of days and cooks for her while I'm away at work. I also think she does this to avoid Dad.
I think my sister being out of the unsafe place has made Mum back off though. She has never been independent, never worked and is too scared. But since my sister is safe from Dad she chooses to stay. However I don't want my sister living with me all the time because I find it draining. She never helps out with the house, always saying her illness makes her too tired. And my place is small. It's feeling too crowed and messy. I know she is safe at mine and I feel terrible because I don't want to live with her. We clash sometimes because we are very different. Ita starting to make me feel down. And I'm not sure how to talk to my mum and sister about this.

[blondguy]

Hello Little-Miss

Welcome and good on you for having the courage to post!

I am sorry for the pain you and your family is going through as what you have posted about your dad.

Firstly...the forums are a safe and non judgemental place for you to post. Your privacy and well being is paramount to us. If its okay can I ask how your sister was hurt?

Your mum (and everyone else) is doing it really hard. It would be a huge drain on you 'doing the right thing' by your sister as your health come first. We cant please all the people all of the time....unfortunately

Please dont feel terrible or guilty that you dont want your sister living with you. Your first responsibility is to yourself Little-Miss.....not to anyone else. You should be proud that you have been there for your sister and your mum by being a super supportive person.

I dont know what illness your sister is suffering from...can I ask if its an anxiety or depressive illness? (just so we can support you more effectively!)

You are not alone with what you are going through. Your own well being (psychologically) is so very important here and your sisters welfare is your parents responsibility...will all respect to your mum for being in a bad place for so long.

To answer your last question....I would provide a copy (or a similar transcript) of what we have been discussing to both your sister and your mum. This is not selfish from you in any way as your health comes first here

I respect your sister and your mum Little-Miss.....You just cant please all the people (even relatives) all of the time. Your mum and sister are also both adults and can make a double appointment with their GP/counselor to have a good talk about what they are going through

You are amazing for having done as much as you have Little-Miss. Its your time now....your life is important

I really hope you can post back!

My kind thoughts

Paul

[Little-Miss]

Thank you Paul.

My Dad tried to hit my sister with a frying pan, and has also thrown her laptop at her with force. Thoes are the ones I know about. My sister suffers from chronic fertigue and other mystery illnesses that she is having tests for. It's been 10 years now and she basically doesn't leave the house because she is too tired. I have suggested many times to get some councling because I think it's affected her mental state. But she doesn't want too. She is fixated on the physical illness, not the mental.

[blondguy]

Hi Little-Miss

Thankyou for taking the time to post back and help me support you more effectively

Its only my humble opinion as a volunteer on the forums yet I really hope you can have your own place back. Please dont misunderstand me as I am not being cold hearted in any way. As per what you have posted your sister has some issues that your mum and dad should be dealing with......not you!

You are spot on suggesting that your sister should be having some counseling. You have been kind hearted by helping out as much as you have (and good on you!)

I would be printing out a copy of this thread and making a double appointment with your GP.....and let them do the reading so you can have the best value from the session with their professional advice

OR

Provide a copy of this thread to your mum (and sister too if you wish) and let her read it.

I have seen people's health being affected by 'trying to do the right thing' by family. I would be nagging my GP (or counselor) as soon as I could Little-Miss

Thankyou for being a part of the forum family.....Please dont hesitate to ask anything you wish 🙂

My kindest

Paul

[Little-Miss]

So I feel like everything has gone from bad to worse. I mentioned to my mum and sister yesterday that it's time to think of the next step because my sister can't stay with me forever and I really miss having my own space. My sister lays the guilt on saying she has nowhere to go, she is terrified at home and that I don't want her anymore. I come home to find all her things gone. I messaged to ask if she was home and OK and she replies with 'wash the clothes I left behind and mum will pick them up'. Mum hasn't spoken to me and won't answer the phone. I feel so guilty but I couldn't handle living with someone who does nothing for herself. She won't even wash dishes. I'm also feeling angry because I've done so much for both of them. Given them money and everything.

[blondguy]

Hello Little-Miss

You have done very well. With all respect to your sister and your mum I can see the unhelpful treatment you have been receiving. You are spot on....this is only people not getting their own way.

I have seen people supporting a family member for long periods and their own mental health has been effected to where they have to start seeking counseling.

You are a strong and amazing person Little-Miss. Please dont feel guilty as you have already looked after your sister (and your mum) by opening up your home in the first place.

Your sister and mum will work it out. You can only do so much in this situation and you have done well!

You and your health come first. You are also entitled to reasonable enjoyment of life too.

You have done so much to help including financially.

You are a kind and very caring person Little-Miss

I am here on and off as a volunteer if you want to talk some more

My kind thoughts for you

Paul

[Little-Miss]

Mum stopped by to get the rest of my sisters stuff and she made me feel bad. Sad what I did wasn't nice. I tried to explain that the way my sister lives isn't good, that she needs more independence but she wouldn't listen. Now I'm feeling sad again. 😢