Supporting a PTSD partner

[Autumn_girl]

Hi All, I'm hoping this is an appropriate forum to ask for advice from either people with (C)PTSD or partners of people with (C)PTSD. My partner has complex PTSD from childhood and then 8 years as a paramedic. I've been in a relationship with him for just over a year. We have come a long way together as this was his first loving and supportive relationship, and not everything has been smooth sailing as you would expect when one of the partner's has CPTSD. However, we both have respect and care for each other, and we have had many discussions on the complexity of his illness, and I continuously educate myself about my partner's illness and feel I am a supportive partner. There have been many adjustments made to reduce his triggers, including me having my phone with me at all times and the sound on, going to bed together at the same time every night, providing reassurance regularly, and creating new routines and adding structure to every day activities. However, there is one issue that we cannot resolve and that is the one of my dog. My dog is a very gentle 6 year old labradoodle and very well trained; however, my partner is triggered by my dog whenever she gets up to get a drink, go outside, or wants to play, or when my partner comes home and she's excited to see him. I understand that due to his paramedic role and his feeling that he always has to make sure everyone is ok, he can't relax if my dog isn't asleep. My dog has been with my two children and I since a puppy and she is part of the family (this is especially important for my two children to have consistency as we had to leave the family home when I separated from their father) and lives both indoors and outdoors. My partner needs the dog to be outside going forward, in order for him to be able to relax. I completely understand how he feels, however, I didn't get a dog so that she could be outside by herself all day and night, and I think to do so is neglectful. He says he is at breaking point, and I feel like I have to choose between my dog and my partner. I'd be grateful if anyone has found a way to resolve this issue, is any ptsd therapy has helped this issue, or if I am being inconsiderate in my view that the dog is part of the family. P.S. I have put the dog out on numerous occasions when he is not coping or has had a stressful day, but his stress is impacting me and being an empath, I feel guilty to both him and the dog. Thank you. 

[Sophie_M]

Hi Autumn girl,

Thank you so much for sharing this here. We can hear you’re a really caring parent and partner, and your concerns come from such a loving and supportive place.

We’re really glad you mentioned looking after your own boundaries, and your own wellbeing. If you’d like any more ideas or information on this, feel free to have a look at our pages on looking after yourself while supporting someone. 

The Beyond Blue counsellors are here for you if you’d like to talk this through on 1300 22 4636, or via online chat. It is so important that you look after yourself during these times and they can help you, or just be there if you want to talk.

Thanks again for sharing here. 

Kind regards, 

Sophie M

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Autumn girl,

 I’m just wondering if your partner is currently seeing a counsellor/therapist for his C-PTSD and whether talking to them about why the dog is affecting him may help?

 I also have C-PTSD but dogs actually help me a lot and I’m very happy to be around them. But I have a friend who also has some C-PTSD-type issues who is very bothered by dogs. She even stopped walking with two friends when one of them started bringing a dog along. She finds them invasive and is really bothered if they lick or make contact with her.

Many people with C-PTSD have had boundary transgressions in the past where someone has harmed them, often over a period of time. I wonder if your partner is experiencing your dog as transgressing his boundaries in a manner that is setting off a memory from the past? If something like that was happening and he could identify it, there might be a way of then working through it, so he realises he is in the present and safe with the dog.

It’s great you are sensitive to his needs, but I also feel from what you’ve explained that the dog is very important to you and your kids, and you are clearly concerned for the dog’s well-being too. Is there a way to explain to him that you want his needs to be met but also how important the dog is in the lives of you and your children? I also wonder if someone like an animal behaviourist/dog trainer might be able to visit to help navigate the situation to help explain aspects of dog behaviour and help your partner find ways of being with the dog that enable him not to experience the dog as stressful. Sometimes once we understand what dog behaviour is about we have a better idea of how to respond to and interact/communicate with the dog (and understand how the dog is communicating with us).

As your dog sounds gentle and lovely it seems like there may be a way to work through this, especially if your partner can sense what is most bothering him which might be a clue to how to move forward. I hope it can work out for everyone’s benefit.

[PamelaR]

Hi Autumn Girl and welcome to the forums

There have been some very good responses to your post. The only thing I can add is, I have had C-PTSD for over 50 years. It was only diagnosed in the past 11-12 years. Managing cPTSD takes time and effort. It impacts on those around you and those supporting you. You have been so good to be there, and as Sophie indicated, looking after yourself is really important. There could be a couple of things happening with your doggie and your partner. Animals truly pick up on how humans are feeling and can become quite distressed if the human is stressed or out of sorts. Consequently there is a cycle of one upsetting the other. As Eagle Ray mentioned, it is important for your partner to get support from a counsellor or therapist. My own personal view is your inside doggie shouldn't have to become an outside doggie. Perhaps there is something your partner needs to work through with their counsellor. Once they have identified why the dog (or it's barking) is a trigger and worked through reducing their fear response, they can make peace with the dog so it won't bark as much. Hope some of this helps Autumn Girl.