Early Childhood Abuse and Trauma - Trigger Warning

[Fiatlux]

Hi,

I have had recurring thoughts going back to early childhood. I believe all my anxiety and depression stems from abuse suffered very early on.

I was enjoying watching something on TV last week and it bought back memories of dancing and playing around in front of the Television. I would have been 3-4 years old.

This would have been my daily routine, being home with my Grandmother. She would put on Play School for me.

But this one day was different. I just remember being picked up by one arm and being spanked quite hard. It was my Grandfather. He was home from work that day. My dancing and singing in front of the television was unacceptable to him.

He carried me to the kitchen and continued to assault me. I think by then I had passed out from sobbing and being assaulted. 

After this day, I found it very difficult to find joy in singing and dancing. I was terrified that he would hear me. 

My mother also remembers this incident but I don't recall seeing her that day. As my younger sister was a baby, my mum may have been home too.

I am sorry if this brings up any trauma for anyone else, but I seem to start remembering all the awful events and how this has affected me throughout my life and is the cause of my anxiety and depression.

If anyone is wondering, I did get a chance to tell my Grandfather what I thought of him. I was only 18, but I let him have it. Called him every miserable thing I could think of. I cut him out of my life after that.

I know sometimes this does not help my PTSD but I am stuck in my own head thinking about how this early abusive event affected the rest of my entire life.

Thank you for reading and sharing. 

[Eagle Ray]

Hi Fiatlux,

 I empathise in that I went through incidents very similar to what you describe from when I was a small child too. To this day I have a flinch reflex, like I am waiting to get hit. But if it’s of any help, I think awareness of these events and how they affected us is the beginning of things changing for us.

I am slowly learning that fear doesn’t have to be a permanent state. I still catch myself out reacting fearfully to things in the present, but I realise much more quickly and can calm myself and tell myself I’m safe now. People and situations can initially be experienced by me as dangerous when they actually aren’t, and I can now de-escalate my reactions.

I used to be frightened to even go into a shop and ask for something. It’s like I was expecting the shop assistant to become angry and attack me. At the same time, I love people and enjoy connecting with people, and I’ve gradually learned to go into this part of myself instead of the fear part. It’s like wanting to reach out and connect positively helps me to override my default fear mode.

Another way of putting it is it’s like being in a state of expansion instead of contraction. When afraid we naturally contract inwards for self-protection. I feel like anxiety and depression can be manifestations of this as they also involve a kind of withdrawal/contraction. Your description of your grandfather using aggression to stop you singing and dancing has had that effect of making you withdraw from those things. But I think it is possible to expand back outwards, like a kind of opening of the heart to the world, if that makes sense? And also not be hard on ourselves if we do contract back into anxiety or depression. That that’s just our body protecting us and trying to keep us safe and therefore we can be understanding and compassionate towards ourselves.

I wonder if you found a way to express yourself outwardly now it might help counter that early memory? Joining a choir just came to mind, especially a lively, happy one. There would be quite a few things I’m sure that could give expression to that part of you that got squashed back then. It’s like reconnecting with a sense of freedom.

[Fiatlux]

Hi Eagle Ray,

Growing up, I honestly thought I was the only child living with domestic violence. 

Our Grandparents lived with us from ages 3 to 9. My dad’s parents. Dad was the eldest of 7 very abused children who had a violent alcoholic father. The grandfather controlled everything and everyone in that house. What my dad thought was disciple and punishment, was violence. Learnt from his father. My siblings and I used to refer to that house as the house of horror.

We moved when I was 9. The damage was done by then. 

I did join a dance group a couple of years later but absolutely hated performing. It was especially hard when Dad’s parents were there to watch. I was very self conscious and stopped dancing in my teens.

Fast forward several years. When I had my own children, I had a strictly No Spanking, No Yelling, No Name Calling rule. My Dad found these rules hard. He was a yeller, name caller and a Spanker too. When he was with my children, he had to control his temper. I had to threaten my dad, that he simply wouldn’t see his grandchildren ever again if he didn’t abide by my rules. 

I let my dad have it too for not protecting us and partaking in the abuse. It was a vicious cycle of violence and abuse that I had to stop. My dad’s demeanour also changed very slowly.

Music was always my escape. And cutting out people from the past has helped me survive my childhood.

[Mum Chris]

Hi Fiatlux

They now understand the terrible impact fear has on children. There’s lots of trauma treatments now and great therapies that help you reprocess these incidents. You speak of one incident and possibly this person terrorised everyone in his life and you felt the underlying fear and lack of normal response from the other adults. How would you react if you were the adult witnessing what happened called police got you medical treatment and time with psychologist. There’s a lot to unpack and having a psychologist help you is a positive safe way. There’s also blueknot foundation on this site that can offer links and more information. Still posting on here how you are feeling and any thoughts you are having can be very productive. 

MC

[Fiatlux]

Hi Mum Chris,

Growing up in the 70's, we had absolutely no support from anyone. Not even the Police, or especially not the Police. 

You are right that one person in our Family terrorised everyone in our family. 

Dad had 6 younger sisters, so they had been abused. There were lots of cousins and they were all scared of our awful Grandfather. At least my Aunts kept their children away from him as much as possible. But Dad has to look after his parents, being the eldest and only son. We drew the short straw.

Apparently, and according to my Mother, we moved only because my Mother had enough of the abuse and threatened to leave.

As I got older I was able to tell my Dad how the abuse we suffered had impacted our lives. I trusted No-One!

If ever Dad saw a news report about child abuse, he would be disgusted and yell at the Television. I would remind him, that he was just like that too. Only difference is that he didn't get arrested. We were fortunate that we all survived. I know my eldest sister suffered a concussion on her 12th birthday. My Mother would retell us the story of how my Grandfather assaulted my sister at her own 12th birthday party. We must have been making too much noise for the violent old drunk to tolerate.

My parents couldn't and didn't react to the violence. Even my Mother would be silenced and told to shut up if she ever spoke up for us. It was an absolute nightmare life and situation.

[Bob_22]

Hi Fiatlux,

I'm sorry to read about the trauma you experienced and that you have caught yourself thinking over it lately. I too, was raised in quite a volatile household with a close loved one who was alcoholic. I'm glad that you found a little closure when you were 18 and that you have been able to use your experience to shape your parenting.

Similar to you, I also find myself thinking about events of my childhood that I would have preferred change. Unfortunately, I haven't found much success in completely shutting out these thoughts (especially since my loved one is still experiencing alcohol abuse and is reluctant to any treatment). However, I do find quite significant relief raising these thoughts with my psychologist and close friends. Specifically when certain events come to mind I find it helpful to unpack these thoughts with my psychologist who generally offers support but sometimes provides advice on healing e.g. limiting contact with said loved one (as you have), using the experience in a positive sense (as you have), sharing on these forums and giving myself time to grieve as well.  I'm no longer too concerned if I get stuck in my head a bit as I know I have my psychologist, as well as two close friends I've shared with, who will listen to me. I also know that these experiences have made me a stronger version of myself and is part of my journey.

I'm aware that I haven't provided much practical assistance but I hope my story has given you a sense that you're not alone and thank you again for sharing. 

Bob

[Fiatlux]

Hi Bob,

Thank you for sharing and replying. Any help is great help.

I am not going to make excuses for my violent grandfather as he was even more dangerous when sober. 

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Fiatlux,

 I really respect the way you have protected your own children. You have changed the inter-generational trauma pattern and that makes a massive difference to your kids lives, their future and the wider society generally.

Both my parents suffered trauma and neglect as children and were unable to manage themselves in a way that didn’t repeat the abuse. Like you I eventually stood up to my Dad when I was 16. I actually made him cry which made me aware of the trauma and extreme vulnerability underneath his aggression, but I had to do it after years of verbal and physical bullying. Normally I was quiet and shy but I actually yelled him down when he was screaming at the rest of the family as I couldn’t take it anymore. It was empowering and necessary for my own well-being to do that, and he actually did shift his behaviour quite a bit after that. It was a more complex story with my Mum. I’m still trying to process this stuff now and neither of them are still alive.

 I think the courage and determination you have shown to create a different story for your family is wonderful. I also know it’s hard remembering the difficult stuff. But I hope you can take heart in the  more positive and caring reality you’ve created in your and your children’s lives.

[Fiatlux]

Eagle Ray, I am no champ. I married a pretty controlling violent man myself.

I think I learnt how to deal with my husband’s aggression before our children were born. So in a way they were spared. It’s strange how my husband adored our children but could be cruel.

I taught my children to never put up with crap from anyone, especially not family who are supposed to love us.

Before my daughter married, I had that Domestic Violence talk with her. I hope that she never suffers this fate.