**slight trigger warning - I mention the word abuse** Hello out there, I
have been posting on other discussion threads but I haven't created my
own post until now.... I am realising lately that I can't feel a sense
of safety in my body. I can recall ...
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**slight trigger warning - I mention the word abuse** Hello out there, I
have been posting on other discussion threads but I haven't created my
own post until now.... I am realising lately that I can't feel a sense
of safety in my body. I can recall times when I have felt safe, for
example lying under my weighted blanket, or cuddling with my partner.
But, I can't FEEL the safety in my body when I think about those
memories. It is as if my body simply does not retain a memory of that
felt experience. However, I can feel terror, rage, helplessness,
numbness, intense shame etc when I remember awful things from my past
and I very much feel it in my body. I can feel good stuff in the moment
as a vague sensation, but I can't retain the memory of it in my body.
Does that make sense? I am learning more and more about dissociation at
the moment, and I'm realising that I have experienced chronic
dissociation (disconnection from my body sensations) to varying degrees
since a child. I was never taught as a child what it meant to feel safe
and held and nurtured. My childhood was chaotic, dysfunctional and very
abusive, physically & emotionally. Thus, the diagnosis of complex PTSD.
I am now in my late 40s and the impact of that early trauma is becoming
more and more apparent. I realised this when I called the suicide call
back service a few weeks ago and the lady kept saying to imagine a time
when I felt safe, or to do something that made me feel safe and to keep
doing that until I felt safe in my body. I drew a blank - she might as
well have been speaking a different language!! It was a revelation to
me! I thought that safety was something you created externally, such as,
interacting with people you trust, places that feel comfortable in, and
activities that feel nice and not too stressful. I never knew that
safety was something you could feel INSIDE your body!! I am slowly
learning....... I would love to hear from others with a similar
experience. But, also from those who can describe what safety feels
like. Thank you, dig
PTSD for Medical and First Responders
