Mean Parent

[BirdieBro]

I have adult children. I am an adult. And yet I can’t have an adult conversation with my mother.  She continues to point out how fat I am and I know it sounds pathetic, but I don’t know how to tell her to stop. The rage makes be binge. I’m now aware of this so try to curb what I binge or pick up some weights and go hard with those instead. I have tried but she says I’m being sensitive. Maybe I am, but she should respect that. I’ve actually lost 5 kilos. My friends who I see regularly have noticed but my mum who I see 3 times a year (perhaps she has noticed) says to my kids in front of me, “she still has a big tummy.” I can’t stand it. 

[quirkywords]

BirdieBro

Thanks for your post and for this relatable topic. The mother daughter topic can be a complicated one. 
My mum told me she when her  elderly mother was well because she would comment on how poorly my mum was dressed and how she looked plump and frumpy.

Maybe your mum is aware that her comments on your weight really affect you . 
If you showed no reaction do you think she would still comment.? It is so hard when your own mum is so critical and I know it is hard not to be affected. 
It is her problem and maybe she thinks she is being helpful and is unaware of how upset you are.

Did writing down your thoughts here help in anyway?

You are not  alone and feel free to keep posting here. 

[BirdieBro]

Thank you. I’ve only told her how much I hate it once. My aunt told her off. My children tell her it’s a mean thing to say. She has a habit of saying what she thinks and later regrets it. But the damage is done. I don’t think I can change her but I need to stand up for myself despite that. She’s awful when she’s irritated. So I avoid expressing myself. 

[jaz28]

Hi there,

I am sorry you have experienced this. Have you told your mum that her comments hurt you and that you are making an effort to look after your health?

Nonetheless, a mother should love you unconditionally and I am sure she does, but we cannot change people as you have said. If this is how she is, you may need to distance yourself from her for your own good.

I hope things improve soon,

Jaz xx

[foxandfate]

Hi BirdieBro, 

It's an awful feeling, having to 'put up' with what our mothers say about us - not only to us, but also about us when we aren't there. 

It doesn't sound pathetic at all. You are certainly not being sensitive and the fact you cannot have an adult conversation with your mother speaks volumes about her than it does you. If you are able to have adult conversations when your own adult children and with other adults - then the problem is not you, but rather how she is communicating. 

I am also fat. I see my parents (both of them have the same attitude, dad is more passive aggressive, mum is fully out there with her opinions) and they comment about my weight and how big I am. I lose 5-8kg, suddenly I am 'too skinny and how dare you'. I have a piece of cake with them - and I'm a sugar addict. I have a salad with them and how dare I make them feel guilty.  I did a yoga class on the weekend and suddenly my mum thinks she is a nutritionist and exercise therapist. When I said where I had been both my parents laughed out loud, with mum saying 'you can't do that', and proceeded to tell me that I should be having a smoothie rather than a coffee. Not ten minutes later she told me that I shouldn't have a smoothie because I should be eating 'real food'. 

Congratulations of losing 5kg! That in and of itself is a mammoth achievement! Be you and be healthy - you can do this for you. 

At the end of the day, do this for you. If you want to lose the weight, I am your biggest champion. If your mother makes anymore comments, please know that a random stranger on the internet has your back. 

And if you are able to have adult conversations with your adult children, then there is a cycle that you have broken - which is infinitely more important than any opinion your mother has. 

Keep on keeping on. 🙂

[quirkywords]

foxandfate

welcome to the forum and thanks for offering support to birdiebro.

Sorry your mum has been negative about your eating and weight. 
we are listening and you are not alone. 

[ecomama]

Hey Birdiebro, 

Have you thought about going "Low Contact" with this person? 
There are guides online to help you do this. 

Sometimes we think we can do something, like place ourselves in boiling water but learn enough about the boiling water to not be burnt. Perhaps we can! The only way I've learnt about how to do this is through Meditating for long enough that words like this from people I know, know no less, simply mean nothing to me. 

Otherwise we hop out of the pot. 

I agree it's a useless pursuit even trying to change another person, unless they ASK us for our opinions in HOW to change. 

Clearly we have enough to manage in our OWN life alone, without thinking we can steer someone else's ship too. I believe when we DO try to do this with ruminating thoughts etc (I'm not saying you think you can change her BB, just saying generally).... we spend useless TIME and precious brain space doing so, that it FAR BETTER turning towards what WE need to do for ourselves. 

Turning any fuel you have inside you into getting somewhere FURTHER in your life is going to make YOU feel better regardless. 

Prayers for your healing
Love EM