Dear JustSteph~
I'm glad you came here, even if you thought it was just a place to sound off (which by the way is a basic human need, and not something to be discounted)
Actually I'm going to disagree , in a gentle sort of way, with you about a lot of what you say. As a person who has had PTSD (for an entirely different reason it's true) I can see an awful lot of my own feelings from the past echoed in yours.
I'll come back to that in a minute. But first let me say what I see:
You are someone that has actually left a domestic violence situation. This is huge! The emotional and purely practical obstacles to doing this are extremely difficult, but you now have been out of it for a whole year, have a job, and are dong the best by your kids.
You are also very wisely seeking professional medical help (something I needed too. but put off for far too long)
I see absolutist nothing to be disappointed in with any of this. Even if you do have troubles putting one of your kids in childcare how much worse would it be if they were permanently exposed to a home with violence and an example of abuse they would absorb. It's no contest realy - love and stability wins hands down.
Going back to feelings, many of which we have shared in common. Speaking for myself - feeling contempt for myself, that I had done everything wrong and was a failure, letting everyone down and wishing I could simply stop it all - all of these are symptoms though they seem like reality.
So too is the idea you have to return - many feel that way, but they may not have jobs (or enjoy them) , do not have proper help or any one of umpteen other reasons, so do not feel ashamed to feel return is a possibility. However try to recognize you are over the worst now already and would be giving up all your, and your children's, wonderful efforts so far..
Of course the result of all these completely wrong feelings and undeserved shame has stopped you from using a valuable line of help - your therapist, please reconsider. Any therapist worth their salt will be expecting you to go down as well as up, can offer ways of dealing with suicidal thoughts, and help teach you how to cope wiht all hte stresses you are feeling.
Do you have anyone in your life to lean on, just talk frankly with and feel cared for? Isolation is horrible.
You sound a lovely loving person and deserve better from life, as do your kids. I was a mess and am now good, if I can then I suspect you can
I hope we can talk some more
Croix
