Suffering within myself

[Honeybee23]

my fiancé of 7 years has been accused of sexual assult from my 19 year old sister.She left home to our pastors house and told his daughters about it and all her ffriends. We didn’t find out till a week later when my mum told her to come home now. She told my mum, mum told me, then I flipped. I got her side of the story and it seemed so real. It just made no sense to me. It happened at 4am when he was getting ready for work, it was in the lounge room which is right next to the kitchen and it had happened with me sleeping in the next room, my parents in the next one and my brother and his gf and the one after that. It just made no sense. I called my oldest brother (not the one that lives with us), told him about it and he believed my fiance immediately.  It just seems ridiculous. Ever since we’ve been walking on eggshells, she had told our cousins who then got involved and took her to their house and kept her a2ay from us. She then turned on us saying we were animals for protecting a rapist. I’m so scared because my fiancé has been accused of a criminal offence and don’t know what could happen. She said she was going to report him to the police and hope he rots in jail. I have so much anxiety and so does he. Worried someone will find him and try to take vengeance for something he didn’t do. My worry is that she’s told so many people . I keep thinking about the fact that I’m the reason everyone is still fighting. If I just broke up with him it would be over. But I love him so much and don’t believe it for a second. I’m suffering so much with this pain. I don’t know what to do or what will happen.

[SammyD100]

Hi Honeybee

That sounds like a really tricky, terribly difficult, and really confronting situation for you and your fiancé to be in. Your fiancé is lucky to have you and your older brother supporting and believing him.

I think anyone in your situation would rightfully be feeling really scared and anxious right now, especially – as you say – because you don’t know what might happen. It’s unfortunate for you as well that so many people know about it and will have formed their own opinions about what may or may not have happened.

It sounds like your sister is really struggling to cope with how she is feeling too – she may be confused, angry, upset and unsure what really happened to her too?

This situation is not your fault. You are not the reason why everyone is fighting. Breaking up with your fiancé
might help in one respect, but will it solve anything else about the situation? If you truly do believe him, and his side of the story, then I don’t think there should be any reason for you to break up with him.

I’m not sure what advice I can offer to you as so much of this is outside of your control. It may be helpful for you to keep talking to your fiance, your brother - people whose support you can rely on. Your fiance needs your support too, so try and stay strong for him. You may find it helpful to try some breathing techniques when you feel really anxious in the moment at times - when we get really anxious, slowing down our breathing and breathing deeply into our stomach can really help to address anxious symptoms.

Good luck working through this situation, I really do feel for you and hope for an outcome that is helpful for everyone involved.

SammyD

[Kaza0901]

I'm someone who experienced sexual abuse as a child and found very few people close to the person responsible would believe me. I'm not saying that that is what is happening here but perhaps your feelings for your fiance are effecting your ability to judge this situation clearly.

If you believe your sister, you may feel like you have to leave him and you don't want to do this. Everyone is entitled to there own choices in life. Give yourself permission to be supportive of both of the people in this situation. You are in no way at fault. Don't let your sister feel abandoned. Don't abandon your partner. Make no choice until the situation further develops and you decide what you want to do.