Sad

[Ann66]

Hi, so tired of putting on the happy face. I’m lost, trying to keep it together.

I think I love my husband but don’t really know, he is a good man with a kind loving family but I’m from a dysfunctional family, Mum left me when I was 5yo dad sexually abused me..no siblings. 5 marriages, a son at 17 who was adopted (not my choice) then adopted 3 children before I had a baby at 41.

my children are of course also dysfunctional, very little contact with them & I miss them & my grandchildren dreadfully.

very little education as I left school at 15, bluffed my way into jobs all my life.

I am socially inept, never had girlfriends- ever. Happy (?) on my own but sad I just can’t make friends I just don’t fit anywhere. Always uncomfortable in social situations so I avoid them.

Very lonely, recently resigned from a well paying job but I had nothing to do so very bored.

constant thoughts wishing it would all end, don’t think I’d suicide, just wish it would end I’ve had enough I’m tired, ugly, worthless, stupid with nothing to offer.

[SammyD100]

Hi Ann66

As I was reading your post I could really feel your pain and the weight of an incredibly difficult childhood, which I am guessing has clearly impacted the course of your life. The sexual abuse and abandonment that happened to you as a child was not your fault, but you have unfortunately had to live with the consequences for the rest of your life.

You say you think you love your husband but you don’t really know, and that it has always been hard for you to make friends. I think it’s really common for children who have been abused, abandoned, or treated incredibly harshly to really struggle with intimacy and relationships as an adult, because as a child they never got the chance to experience what it means to love and be loved. You have not been given the opportunity to develop an early healthy attachment to a parent figure and as a result, it's something you are likely to still struggle with today. Does that sound similar to what you have experienced and continue to feel?

You have obviously been through some significant challenges – to get to this point where you have a functional marriage, have been able to hold down a good job, and be currently raising a baby is truly commendable. Many, many people with similar experiences would not have been able to cope so well.

I wonder, if you could magically change something about your life what would it be? Would it be a healthy relationship with all of your children and grandchildren? Would it be a group of friends you could rely on and feel comfortable sharing your thoughts and your life with? Would it be feeling positive about yourself and the person you are today?

I hope you are able to write again,
SammyD