PTSD - Does 'wellness' and 'safety' trigger a fear response?

[Just Sara]

It has with me..

I'd like to discuss exposure to health, vitality and safety after traumatic experiences. My recovery's in full swing, yet I'm still avoiding life; the good bits. Why?

Change can have amazing benefits for personal growth. Those of us who experience fear responses to ptsd triggers, know how debilitating it can be. So when enough work's done to progress onto living life fairly normal, how do we cope? It's so new and foreign.

People reading this might say; "OMG! What's she complaining about?! Getting well?!" Yep! In a nutshell...

I don't ruminate anymore; I've let go of the past and not obsessing over the future. I live a simple life without too many problems, (unless I create them myself) can effectively deal with situations that trigger and have mastered mindfulness. Yay great! What now?

My life's now like an experiment on a daily basis. A lot of my childhood coping strategies caused thru trauma are now on the back-burner. What replaces them? I've been on a mission to heal my broken mind and have come leaps and bounds. Now it's time to live life without trauma or threat of it and I'm flailing. It might not make sense to some, but I'm hoping it does with others.

Habitual thinking and responses are just that; a habit. Forming new one's that aren't a response to danger is challenging me. Is there anyone out there who understands or wants to discuss this confusing topic?

Existing and new members are welcome to contribute..

Many thanks...Sez

[Miss_M]

Hi there,

After reading your post its weird because I am going through something very similiar.

PTSD sufferer for nearly 20 years but am only 30.

I too have became the master of my own mind now (except on a bad day), so much so that its not an every day battle but now maybe every few days battle and of course knowing my triggers so well i feel im pretty accomplished in that area.

Im out and about i dont socialize that much as my circle is very small but over the last 6-12 months i have been feeling like a bit lost or like what am i doing now if that makes sense?

Even though my mind is somewhat under control (HA) if thats the word, may i ask how your physical health is? Because im starting to think that years of retraining my brain and trying to repair my brain (i dont take pills im a self taught survivor which can be very exhausting), i feel my body is so damaged from years of neglect. My spine is out my posture is painful, i walk with a limp ect ect.

After i discovered my body was screaming for help i realised i need to go ground myself and make some changes.

Not sure how spiritual you are yourself but i am an empath at heart. I AM NOT RELIGIOUS IN ANY WAY SHAPE OR FORM. But i am definatly a self healer that needs to emerse herself in nature and get back to my roots.

Im not on a path for 'spiritual enlightenment' because i already know my spirituality. But just in recent weeks ive finally scheduled a small amount of time just for myself to reflect, breath, attempt meditation and stretch. My body definatly needed it because im a very heavy smoker and have pondered quitting for years and when i first sat down for a breath and a think, i woke up the next day a non-smoker. It was pretty weird. This is lifted me and definatly put me in a state of mental strength i never thought i could be stronger. And that feeling of not knowing what to do is no longer.

Its now time to help my body i suppose for me, as I journey through my own PTSD, this is my next stage.

Dont know if your into spirituality or not or if you understand what i mean here but i hope i have given you some food for thought

[blondguy]

Hi Sara

You have a great thread topic here. You have the ability to understand your own well being on a day by day basis which is a huge feat after having PTSD. 'Wellness and Safety' are not conducive where recovery is concerned for me. My therapist doesnt use those words as I just do the best I possibly can without 'fighting' any of my demons.

I had a thread that discussed 'mindfulness' and it was a huge help to many but despite the great support I had the meaning of mindfulness still escapes me somewhat. I was only thinking about our readers and new posters that may need a definition (and some long term posters too!)

You have also brought up 'Habitual Thinking'....this is so very true...Its a pain and hard to overcome. In the meantime I will be using your thinking about every day being a new phase in our lives

Thankyou Sara for the great thread topic

My kind thoughts always

Paul

[Just Sara]

Hi and a very warm welcome Miss M;

Wow; we are a pair aren't we? Yes, I do suffer with a neglected body. Riddled with pain and feeling decades older than I am. And; a smoker ta boot!

It's wonderful to have one more insightful and experienced soul on board to add to our caring community. I hope it's what you need and desire here on BB forum.

Your story sounds similar to mine in many ways. I went thru my spiritual phase in a huge way. Got involved with new age groups which caused lots of problems. I get the empath idea though. It's a very common experience for sufferers of childhood trauma.

If you want to discuss this topic, please visit my thread; 'Getting to know you...or is that me?' in the Long Term Support Over The Journey section. Being an empath you'll get my topic heading. 🙂

I'm really impressed with how you gave up ciggies. I gave up for 14 yrs then due to really bad bullying in my workplace I started up again. It's been 7 yrs.

You wrote;

'Im out and about i dont socialize that much as my circle is very small but over the last 6-12 months i have been feeling like a bit lost or like what am i doing now if that makes sense?'

It makes perfect sense to me M. We go from feeling afraid every moment of the day, to working bloody hard at success and failing multiple times then onto recovery. Obviously it's not that simple, but you get my meaning yeah?

Having spoken to a friend about this, on here actually, I think it may be my expectations. All my life I had a vision of what I wanted; the simple life as it was at my Pop's house when I was 14. That bubble burst with more insight about myself and childhood fantasies not matching adult reality.

I still want a simple life because it's what I deserve and need for ongoing recovery. Actually, I do have a simple life. I just don't know what to do with it if that makes sense.

I've always been someone who strives to get better at everything I do. Ergo, good at most, master of none. lol Maybe it's because I'm at a stalemate? There's no winner or loser as with the mentality I grew up with.

It's just dull.

Thankyou so much for your input. It was an enjoyable read. Love to learn more about you.

Kind thoughts;

Sez

[Just Sara]

Hi Paul;

Thankyou for your kind words of support and encouragement. It's definitely your forte'.

You wrote;

''Wellness and Safety' are not conducive where recovery is concerned for me. My therapist doesnt use those words as I just do the best I possibly can without 'fighting' any of my demons'

Could you elaborate on its meaning if that's ok? I'm a bit confused by it.

I do know I don't fight my demons; not anymore anyway, I listen to them. I don't bargain or negotiate either. I've taken back control and that's the point about recovery for me.

You went on to say;

'..the meaning of mindfulness still escapes me somewhat. I was only thinking about our readers and new posters that may need a definition (and some long term posters too!)'

You're so right. This querie comes up over and again on the forum. I read a review recently of a study done on Mindfulness which compared it to nothing better than watching TV. I became really quite agitated at this hypothesis as none of the focus group suffered with MH issues. (50 people)

Jon Kabat-Zinn says - “Mindfulness means paying attention in a particular way: on purpose, in the present moment, and non-judgmentally.”

This is the most simple expression of mindfulness I've come across. However, you can't really understand the true nature of its impact until successfully experienced for yourself.

For you it's been hands in the garden and focusing on the doing. Yes, and that's great! Absolutely, but what do you do when there's no garden? I may go on your mindfulness thread and talk more ok.

I hope this helps Paul. I aim to please.. 🙂

Grateful and warm thoughts;

Sez

[Quercus]

Hi Sara,

I like your thread. The idea of being at a point where you are mentally well but bored with life and unsure how to change this is something I'm sure many will relate to.

For me it has been beginning to think about my own needs and desires. I have spent most of my life feeling guilty and inadequate. Living up to others expectations (or what I feel they expect). I don't really have a good understanding of what I like.

My psychiatrist said to me once that I can tell him very clearly why others have acted as they have. That I have thought and analysed how they felt and why. But ask me how I felt? I don't remember. I don't know. I don't really know myself because that would involve investing time in ME. And am I worth the effort?

Yes. I am. So are you.

I started small and slowly. It is my long term project to try new experiences and judge them for ME.

I've learnt I like physical activity but not competition. I like design and line drawing plans for houses and gardens. I like writing. I like employment with low reaponsibilities so I don't bring stress home. I like rabbits as pets. You get the picture. When I assessed activities for ME I learned I'm not really the person I thought I was. And that is kind of exciting and fun.

What do you think? Does this sound like something that would help you?

[Just Sara]

Hey there Mrs Quercus;

Now what are you doing up at this time? I thought I was the only one on permanent night shift mode. lol

A counsellor asked me yrs ago to describe what I wanted in life. It all had to do with my son. What did I know about getting what I wanted?

The thing is, I got married at 28 and had a great time of it prior to that. I lived overseas for a yr, in the big smoke for a few more where I met my husband, and moved house probably 40 times since my late teens. I had a career in govt sector and made many friends along the way.

When I looked back it was all for 'them'; whoever was in my sights at the time. So when she asked to identify what I wanted, I couldn't answer. It took me 2 yrs to get the gist of it.

Really though, it wasn't until I planned to buy my first home when I was in my early 50's that I understood what I wanted, why and how to go after it. I feel now I'm back to where I started because the simple life, which is what I've always wanted since childhood, is really foreign.

Part of that plan was to get married again and spend time looking after someone else. Gee, how fast we forget eh?

Giving up an adrenaline fuelled lifestyle and expectations hasn't been easy, but I do know it's what I need to survive life peacefully.

I've tried my hand at many activities in my adulthood and am pretty good at a lot of them. However, they don't seem to engage my mind as much anymore. I guess that's what happens when you live for others Nat.

Yes, learning to identify what I want isn't that doable right now. The last dream I had was torn from me by my ex. Life's like that...

Thanks for asking too btw...

Sez xo

[Quercus]

Hi Sara,

This made me sad for you to be honest...

Yes, learning to identify what I want isn't that doable right now. The last dream I had was torn from me by my ex. Life's like that...

Does that mean that you feel triggered by dreaming and hoping and making plans?

What about physical work? How do you feel about gardening? I bought 5 acres so I will always have work to do. A garden that big is never finished. That is part of my problem in the city my garden here is full... No room at the inn. So work here is half a day of mowing and pruning and raking. Not really satisfying.

Living simply is a lovely plan. To me part of that is being even a little self sustainable. Growing fruit trees and veggies and herbs.

Sorry if gardening doesn't interest you this will be irritating waffle. What sort of things are helping you right now?

❤ Nat

[Just Sara]

Hey Nat;

I so envy the connection you have with the earth. What you've created sounds like a practical oasis; an edible paradise.

I'm not a gardener I'm afraid. I wish I was, but alas, when the green thumbs were handed out, I was MIA. Though if it includes statues, 10kg rocks, ceramic tiles, white pebbles and plastic flowers, I'm home and hose. 😄 lol These types of items adorn my yard.

You asked;

'Does that mean that you feel triggered by dreaming and hoping and making plans?'

Your question is an example of why I created this thread. It does trigger me into a state of numb avoidance. Fear of failure, lack of goals, apathy. They're all part of my PTSD journey.

Pepper reminded me recently about being gentle and patient with myself and this process. I really do think that's the key.

I'm feeling a bit down today. I might leave things here if that's ok.

Talk soon;

Sez xo

[Quercus]

Hi Sara,

It's ok if you don't feel up to replying. Look at my sporadic presence on your other thread. Doesn't mean I don't care. Pepper is gives sound advice. Gentle sounds good to me.

I love my connection to the earth. I'm lost without it. That said a garden isn't out of your reach. Have you looked into zen gardens? Pebbles and rocks and sand and water and a few plants and a place to rest. They are lovely.

Pleasr take care of yourself.