Struggling with therapy

[Rupes79]

Hi All,

I started therapy a few months ago to work through a fairly traumatic life event. Leading up to the therapy I was functioning quite normally but I wasn’t happy. My psychologist diagnosed me with mild depression.

About six weeks ago I started getting very anxious before each session. I would drink too much alcohol in the days leading up to therapy and it was occupying all my thoughts. I feel like my depression has increased and I’ve had to double the dose of my medication which has horrible side effects.

I cancelled this weeks session because I was simply too worked up and distressed to go ahead with it. My psychologist wants me to continue as she thinks we are making progress but the more I think about it the more anxious and depressed I become. I’ve been thinking suicidal thoughts and I am not really sure of the difference between thinking and acting on suicide. I don’t want to talk to anyone I know about this for fear of alarming them but I am a little worried.

Any advice would be appreciated.

Cheers

Adam

[Guest9337]

You are most welcome Rupes79!

Love can transmute much trauma, I imagine you are proud of sticking with your partner through tough times. I have a certain pride and satisfaction about my own commitment to my marriage vows, in this for better or worse, in sickness or in health etc.

I'm just looking at your posted time line... (time is the variable I focus on here for you.)

7 years in relationship. 5 years not knowing of partners addiction, 2 years knowing, last few months of therapy, 6 weeks experiencing anxiety re therapy, drinking too much over days, cancelled recent therapy this week, and quite a few posts on bb and with me today.

Would you edit any of my last paragraph, adding, subtracting, changing anything there focusing on duration and/or time? A timeline.

One standard for holidays is 4 weeks a year. Maybe if you've been silently repressing your feelings/thoughts about the trauma for 2 years, then actively worked at it for a few months but started drinking say about 6 weeks ago. Maybe 2 weeks holiday away from it, through to maybe 2 months for an extended holiday away seems to me a reasonable estimation of the possible duration for your holiday.

But if you are thinking/feeling about it on your own during the planned holiday > are you ruminating or working through on your own, does it feel beneficial or do you think it's beneficial?

Cause if you are still thinking/feeling too much unpleasantness unsupported, you may well actually be better off seeking professional help sooner than later... but it can take quite some time for the psych to have an appointment available so... things are complexifying quite rapidly.

What if you delay so long you take up drinking every day, or every hour?

People do form "maladaptive" coping techniques as a reaction to trauma. I presume one doesn't want to become an alcoholic to avoid working through ones trauma! Alcoholism increases trauma I reckon. I suppose it is theoretically possible one could lower ones inhibitions by drinking alcohol and thus possibly open oneself up to such feelings/thoughts, but how much alcohol would be optimal for that, idk? Seems a slippery slope down down down again. Alcohol is a known depressive.

Becoming addicted (to something) oneself, as a response to ones' partners addiction. Nope, that wouldn't be good hey?

Crikey this is heavy stuff, I'm glad I have the tour de france on. I have a few more hours in me tonight, so Rupes I'm still listening.

[Rupes79]

Thanks mate, appreciate the time you’re taking to respond and help.

Even though I didn’t know about the addiction for 5 years I was still suffering because of it. Probably more so as didn’t know why we were going through what we were.

The drinking is not what I would consider an addiction. I don’t even enjoy it, in fact most times I dread it but there are days where I just have to take my mind away from the awful thoughts and this is the only way I have to cope on occasions.

In terms of the holiday you speak of I’m not sure what to do there. In two minds about how I move forward from here. I don’t want to waste the work I have done but also don’t want to make things worse if you know what I mean?

[Guest9337]

Ultimately we put our heart in the right place and then act.

Giving oneself space is part of the process. Goes along the lines of. Do I feel/think better today than yesterday, or last week, or last month? Is the space working for me, does the space continue to feel like its expanding and I'm getting free-er or is the space collapsing inwards making one feel trapped, or being static and unchanging?

The repeated processes of feeling about thinking, thinking about feeling, those metacognitive processes you practice will become more accurate, more able to make a decent estimate of what you need.

So it might go like this... Monday morning I thought/felt about the holiday away from trauma for 5 minutes and came to no conclusion. So I put it aside to go about work/play/ 'normal" life. Monday night I felt/thought about the holiday away from trauma whilst in a very safe place like bed (maybe) just before sleep and still have no decision.

And so on, each day of the week, and with each action of going through that process one comes closer to a decision, or believing that maybe such n such might be a better option, or that one needs to keep going through the processes alone or with help.

Am I delaying because I've given myself a well earned holiday away and I intend to go back, or am I delaying because I want to do it all on my own, or am I delaying because my family raised me up to seek help from only family, or am I delaying to avoid opening an old wound because I'm comfortable with the old wounds pain, or whatever else comes up...

Eventually one may notice all the exact motivations behind ones actions or inactions. Integration may coalesce and apparently that's a good thing to happen.

I don't feel particularly confident about any of that potential advice - I have become strung out from not enough sleep. My thoughts/feelings have affected my sleep, I feel more awake now than 5 hours ago, but I am not confident my awakeness translates into useful thought.

[Rupes79]

It’s good advice again mate thank you.

I think right now the holiday is what’s needed but I know it won’t be long and it will be not so much a holiday but avoidance - I am good at this.

I guess I just need to be alert to this and when I catch myself in avoidance phase I start to look for the courage to continue.

[topsy_]

Hello Rupes and David

I've been following along & hope you don’t mind a couple of other ideas?

Do you have a GP Rupes? If so, perhaps you could briefly explain the difficulty & get his/her take on it.

Also, if you continue with the same psychologist, could you maybe space out the appointments to have more time in between. So instead of fortnightly for example it could be every three weeks or every month. This could give you more recovery time. Time to consolidate yourself with time to spare before you have to face up to going again.

Whatever you decide, I wish you all the best, T.

[Rupes79]

Hi Topsy,

Not at all, thanks for sharing.

Re the GP he’s great and I’ve been seeing him for over ten years and we have a great relationship but I’m not sure he’s able to offer too much advice in this area. I don’t think it’s his speciality as valuable as he is to me.

I was speaking with the only friend I have shared any of my issues with (he has a counselling background) and his thoughts were maybe I need to devote a session or two to getting on top of the depression first. Regain some strength and stability before I embark on treating the issue I set out to resolve.

It sounds like good advice to me and I thought of raising it with my psychologist but don’t want her to think that I am trying to take over.

I might bring it up on my next session and see what happens.

Any thoughts are welcome and appreciated.

Thanks