Struggling with anxiety

[Bella_Donna]

Hi, I’m new here. I’m finding most things outside my home really stressful atm. I struggle daily with the effects of childhood abuse & dealing with family that have stood by my abuser to this day. There are not enough words to describe how bad that has made me feel. I struggle with my weight, I tend to eat to mask my feelings & to also help me to feel safe. I don’t really talk about my past with anyone, but I am becoming more introverted & anxious as time goes on. I’ve tried counselling but I can no longer afford it. I’d love to be happy, I’m just stuck in a rut & have been for a very long time.

[Bella_Donna]

Hi Bear,

Unfortunately I haven’t been going to therapy. I did try contacting several places, only to find I either couldn’t afford it, or their services weren’t available in my area.

I know I need help. I do get scared about opening up & then finding out that the professional I’m speaking to, isn’t suitable for me. I don’t want to keep telling my story to people. In saying that, I’ve probably only opened up to a handful of people, but that was huge for me.

I will take a look at CASA & see what services are available, thank you. I try to just get through each day as best I can & I guess avoid dealing with my past. Even though the impact it’s still having on my life is huge.

💛

[Bear1922]

Hi B,

You can't run from your past. It's like a shadow - always with you.

Keep trying to find help. It is the only way to recover from PTSD.

Have you had any luck with getting through to CASA?

Warm Regards,

🐻

[Bella_Donna]

Hi Bear,

I got in touch with CASA, unfortunately they don’t provide any services in my area. I have contacted a psychologist that is local & they can fit me in. Money is an obstacle atm though & I might have to wait a little bit until I’m in a better place financially.
I’ve been struggling with a lot lately & some days it’s a challenge to just leave the house.
You’re right, I can’t keep running from my past, I’m just finding it hard to take that first step. It’s fear. Fear of not getting better, being judged & having to experience all the pain again.
I’m tired of hurting & I just feel exhausted.
🌻

[Croix]

Dear BellaDonna

A while ago you said

My kids are my world & the only people that have shown me
unconditional love. I could share more of what I’m going through with
them, but I just don’t want them to feel like they have to take care of
me, when it should be the other way around.

So waht is wrong with being taken care of? If you ad a knee replacement someone would have to drive, maybe cook, put the support hose on and go to the chemist for you. I suspect you wuld not feel so bad about it.

[Croix]

For some reason the internet keeps taking my posts before I finish and edit them and posts them - so please bear wiht me, so to continue:

... so bad abut it.

May I suggest it is the nature of your experiences that produce undeserved shame and embarrassment that are one of the reasons that hold you back? I'm the same with my offspring, though my experiences were nothing like yours.

If you tell them an edited version of why you had the surgery that might be a start. Kids can be quite perceptive, if so please answer honestly. Holding your life in as a secret is corrosive to the soul, and if you are sure whoever you confide in is 100% there for you it will ease matters. It has for me over suicidal ideation, something I felt shame and embarrassment about.

With no easy to find bulk bill medical help I'd suggest ringing our 24/7 Help Line and gettng them to talk you through how to find someone, even if it means using telehealth (you have to be in the right zone for that)

It is no wonder you are tired of the pain and just plain exhausted. It gets better, particularly with others to lean on, I should know, the fear subsides and the skills to minimize the feelings can all come.

Croix

[Bella_Donna]

Hi Croix,

I do feel a lot of shame & embarrassment when it comes to sharing my story, or admitting I need help. My past is controlling my present & I know I need help.
The 24/7 helpline is definitely something I can do. It’s probably a good first step anyway.
I understand what you’re saying about leaning on my kids for support & I’ve no doubt they would be more than willing to support me in any way they could. I feel bad enough for having days where I’m upset & not my usual self as it is. I’ve definitely felt much worse lately, than I have for a long time. I hate it when I feel really low.
I’m not sure what has triggered the way I’m feeling right now, or if it’s just a case of my past rearing it’s ugly head again because I haven’t dealt with it.
I will make the call to speak to someone for some support.
Thank you

🌻

[Croix]

Dear Bella Donna~

I wish I knew why it was but human beings have a built-in tendency to feel guilt and shame when massively ill treated by others, and if family belittle or ignore the fact that simply reinforces the guilt shame and embarrassment.

This really doubles the injury -and injury is what it is. Not only do you have to try to deal with the abuse, but feel the need to keep it secret, shutting out help.

Please do not feel you are alone in this, it is probably more common than not. What it can tell you is the reaction is part of the injury, and like all injuries need treatment.

That means of course to get the right treatment the facts have to be known. Help comes in part from doctors, therapy, medications, in part from lifestyle and most importantly from the understanding support from those that love you.

Please lean on your kids, they may well be feeling helpless right now, they will know something is wrong. Wanting to help those you love is also built into humans - thank goodness - and to steer away from support does you no good.

That 24/7 help line may or may not know of doctors and therapists you can access, if not please keep trying, each place you contact ask for a list of other places to try -and don't forget specialist organizations who deal in the effects on adults of terrible childhoods.

Sometimes it takes determination to get what you need.

Please let us know how you go

Croix

[Bella_Donna]

Hi Croix,

I finally made the appt to go & see my GP & asked for a referral to a psychologist. I have passed on the referral & just have to wait for an appointment to become available now. Apparently everyone in my area is pretty booked out.
I asked to go on antidepressants. I don’t have a lot of experience with antidepressants as I’ve had a lot of trouble trying to take them in the past. Everything I had previously tried made me violently ill, but so far, so good, with this new medication.
I am going to put everything in writing & just hand it to the specialist when it comes time to meet. I’m not sure if I’ll be open with everything at first, or just reveal as much as I’m comfortable with to start off. I have a lot of crap that has gone on over the space of a few decades, I’m nervous about telling my story.
I know it’s time for me to get help. I had envisioned ending everything recently & it scared me. I have allowed myself to become a victim as an adult & I have unknowingly robbed myself of many years of happiness & just enjoying life fully.
At the same time, I am going to try to be kind to myself about it. Because I didn’t know how to live any other way. I was still able to provide a home where my kids felt safe & knew they were loved, even though I never received that from my own Mum.
I’m ashamed of how I’ve handled many situations in my life, but I’m proud of how I’ve loved my kids.
I’ve got decades of bad habits & coping mechanisms to break, but hopefully I can do the work & learn how to be a happier me. I’d like to be happy & feel worthy & maybe join the world again.
Thanks for your support.
✌️🌻

[Croix]

Dear Bella Donna~

The fact you have means of coping for a long time does not necessarily mean they will take a similar time to go away. They are reactions to how you feel, so you can keep going.

I'll give you a minor example, I was so frightened of my mailbox and what it might contain I always had my partner empty the mail. Now I do it, and the changeover time was not that long. Silly and trivial in a lot of ways, but a genuine fear overcome and now a minor niggle.

When you are feeling more confident, less guilty and realise how worthy you are those mechanisms will fade. Feeling those things will be the truth, you have been strong and steadfast to get here, you deserve to see yourself though fresh eyes.

May I make a suggestion? Please don't edit out anything from your paper. A couple of reasons, the first being the more accurate the symptom descriptions the more accurate the treatment.

And secondly if you leave something out or minimize or change it, that starts a snowball effect and it becomes increasingly hard to retract your previos words and let it all out.I omitted suicidal thoughts -a bad mistake as it happened.

You really are getting there, and your age is a great one to have a new life. I'm not just saying that. I found my soulmate (the 2nd one as the first had passed away young) when older that you, plus a new non-police career.

Amazing!

Croix

[Bella_Donna]

Hi Croix,

I haven’t been on here for a long time & hence didn’t see your last reply. Thank you for taking the time to respond to me.
My health has been up & down since June last year & I’m not in a good headspace atm. I’m focusing on all the negative again & not wanting to go out a lot.
Hearing that you’ve found a second soul mate is very reassuring. I’ve resigned my self to spending my remaining years alone. I’ve been travelling along okay, but I’ve slowly been falling back down that hole where you feel like there’s just no point. I’m feeling pretty unworthy & I hate when I get like this.
🌻