Struggling with anxiety

[Bella_Donna]

Hi, I’m new here. I’m finding most things outside my home really stressful atm. I struggle daily with the effects of childhood abuse & dealing with family that have stood by my abuser to this day. There are not enough words to describe how bad that has made me feel. I struggle with my weight, I tend to eat to mask my feelings & to also help me to feel safe. I don’t really talk about my past with anyone, but I am becoming more introverted & anxious as time goes on. I’ve tried counselling but I can no longer afford it. I’d love to be happy, I’m just stuck in a rut & have been for a very long time.

[Bella_Donna]

Hi,

Today was not the greatest. I drove down to do some shopping & bumped straight into my Mum. It wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be, I was expecting fireworks. I did end up quite emotional & it has left me feeling a bit down.

I would love to find a professional to speak to, but it’s making the first step. I’m just feeling a bit lost. I am so nervous when I go out though,because of my weight.

I’m 44 next month, I’ve let my past control my life for so long. I know what I need to do, but I just have to follow through with it. It’s hard when there’s a lot of shame involved.

Thank you so very much for taking the time to respond to me. I do appreciate it.

❤️

[Croix]

Dear B~

Not a good day, but meeting your mother never was gong to be good. At least you know how you react and can find ways to cope with that.

Which reminds me

https://www.sane.org/the-sane-blog/managing-symptoms/coping-with-flashbacks

Has some stuff that seems meaningful to me, maybe it will for you too.

I can understand the shame factor, in my case just feeling suicidal has been bad enough, your abuse is a whole different thing, much worse I suspect.

So you know you have this problem of getting started with professional support. What do you think might help? I found writing it all out first and then phoning for a long consultation is easier than going in cold. You share the paper and just answer questions - much easier than trying to explain from scratch face to face.

To tell a story does not need to be all at once, you can build over time till you have a realistic picture, which is why writing in advance can be good.

If you know shame will hit you what can you plan for that? Even deciding what to do with your hands might be a help - again what do you think? An appointment is only so long, there is always an end in sight.

One other thing to bear in mind, if the psychologist or psychiatrist is any good they are not just sitting there like dummies, they have experience and actually try to help with your efforts to communicate, a 2 person effort.

Croix

[Idkme]

Hi Bella Donna,

it seems that this ‘awakening’ (as I refer to it), can be linked to a stage of maturity.... I turned 44 in October last year and managed to keep my abuse under lock and key for some 30 years only to be triggered last year.

It was the first time I had to get help from a psychologist. It’s the best thing I’ve done in a long time. I’m definitek not ‘over’ it but I’m much more aware of my self sabotaging actions and negative choices I make.

I chose to find a psychologist that I could skype with who was trained in with childhood trauma, she is a clinical psychologist and I have built a trusting relationship with her as a professional. I also do heaps of reading and YouTube watching. There are so many resources out there but the counselling can help sift it out a bit more and settle me down to what’s important.

Ive got a post that I’ve been sharing my journey on, it’s called “newly triggered”, I felt a lot of similar things that you did at the beginning. Feel free to read or comment/question on it if you want.

I suggest you action some positive choices into your life soon before the ‘not great days’ become more and more.... the reaction you had to bumping into your mum is absolutely to be expected and the following ‘down’ is possibly a result of the fight/flight/flee response.

Visit your GP and ask them for a referral, it’s private and confidential, and if you don’t like the psychologist you meet then change.... there are plenty of fish in the sea,

i hope that helps.

[Bella_Donna]

Hi Croix,

I think writing in down would be a great idea. I haven’t been very kind to myself over the years & there’s a lot of self loathing. I think if I were to write it all down, it might actually help me to acknowledge that I’ve been through a lot & instead of beating myself up about how I’ve acted in the past, I can hopefully show myself some compassion.

My anxiety is becoming worse, I will discuss this with my GP at my next appointment. I’m just in constant fear when I’m out of my home. It’s horrible. I constantly tell myself that I’m too fat & not good enough & different from everyone else. I don’t think I’ve ever felt comfortable in my own skin.

Thank you,

B ❤️

[Bella_Donna]

Hi Idkme,

I will have a look at “newly triggered” & see if I can relate to it. The anxiety is the hardest to deal with atm. It’s crippling. I keep gaining weight & that’s just feeding the anxiety & self loathing. I would never want anyone to feel the way I do at times.

Thank you for your support!

B ❤️

[Croix]

Dear Bella Donna~

One of the good things about you is you have a pretty accurate idea of what is happening to you - I did not for years. This is an advantage because it means you can list the things that are wrong and seek help to address them, (and this includes weight).

I needed outside help to improve, and I'd think many, yourself included, do too. A psychiatrist was mentioned earlier in this thread, and I'll mention it again now. The whole thing needs someone with experience to guide and steer you to a better life. They provide the assessment, information and map out a plan, you do it. Works OK. Sometimes meds, sometimes not.

Life can be an awful lot better, and that can start by accepting that it is your mother's husband who is to blame, caused all the things you do not like about yourself, and infected you with massive anxiety -and probably PTSD too (though I'm no doctor and am guessing). You might realize that intellectually, it is the professionals' job to make you believe it.

The time will come when you are comfortable with yourself - if I can turn around from suicidal mess, then I'd imagine you can too.

Croix

[Bella_Donna]

Hi Croix,

I will definitely follow it up with my GP & try to find a psych who I feel safe with. I’m sure you’ve already gathered that I’m a slow mover. I talk myself out of things before I go through with anything.

I know I need help, I just have to speak up & ask for it & that’s not something I do well. Hearing someone of your story lets me know that there is light at the end of the tunnel. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve wanted to check out. Simply existing & not living, is a very sad & harmful way to live. But I do acknowledge now that I have done the best I could to cope with what has happened to me.

Thank you so very much for your support.

❤️

[Croix]

Dear B~

I don't think its a question of being slow-moving. If I look at how I've felt then living an horrible life tends to become a habit or way of life, and depression keeps you there, cutting off thoughts that things could be so different and inducing hopelessness, sapping the will to do anything.

I reached the stage where change was forced on me, but that was only part of it, I tried to cooperate, doing whatever was prescribed, as I wanted to escape from how I was fleeing. It has worked a lot better than I thought possible.

So please don't blame yourself for being slow, it is not you but the illness. Can I suggest you simply make as many preparations as you can, then just hand over a paper, or make a definitive statement right at the start of the consultation. Then it is unpleasant but gets easier -and that step is over for good.

It's true, you have coped and managed with everything, and you can get to a time when that sort of coping won't be necessary.

Croix

[Bella_Donna]

Hello,

Me again! I still haven’t mustered up the courage to reach out for help. I just don’t want to have to reach out to someone & then find out that they’re not the right fit for me.

Some days I cope really well & others I find extremely difficult. One thing o have realised after working through a gratitude journal, is just how unkind I am to myself.

I have abused my body for most of my life by overeating & using food to fill a void. It’s the one thing I haven’t been able to manage. Is that something that anyone else can relate to? Even though I can acknowledge that it’s something that I have done to cope & to make myself feel safe, I still can’t stop it.

I just don’t know how to stop it. Any advice would be appreciated.

Kind Regards,

B.

[Croix]

Dear B~

It's good to hear from you.

I guess you are looking at everything that is wrong and seeing it as one huge obstacle almost impossible to overcome. It's not really quite like that.

Let's take the two things you talked about just now, getting help and food.

OK, they are related, but don't have to be met head-on all at once, leave food for now.

You have to remember that the abuse that has cast a shadow over your life is not something of your doing. It's true over time human nature makes us blame ourselves, taking on the horrible behavior of others as if we had something to do with it, but it simply is not true.

All that has happened is you have reacted and coped as best you can.

If something unexpected happened and you were injured , perhaps on a slippery pavement - then you would go to casualty and be treated. Unpleasant but you would not really question going.

You have been injured by another and that too needs to be remedied. You know the first step, see a GP and set it out - possibly in writing.

Why do this?

First because you are still suffering harm, you are unhappy with life, you retreat, and as you say regard food as a defense.

It might be possible OK keep on going that way, however as you do the habits and thought processes become more ingrained. You are unhappy with life, you are unhappy with yourself.

The second reason is that it is the way to a better happier and more peaceful life, one where you can look back with pride on your courage and accomplishment. That spills over into your kids, they see a side of mum that is buried inside her but not been apparent.

There have been times when I've really not wanted to do something and if no one else was there to prompt me have done something that is hard to take back -like email a full message and then have to follow it up. I've put my self in a situation where I basically have to go on.

It does not really matter the nature of your past experiences, whatever they are they can be accepted with sympathy and understanding, and a path out.

What do you think?

Croix