starting to suffer PTSD & my partner is the reason why

Luka-_Ann · ‎16-04-2017

5 years now ive been with my guy and it definitely hasn't been all happy endings. we have a two year old daughter who is our absolute world. my partner had been a meth addict since before i fell pregnant. our relationship deteriorated because of it before i knew i was pregnant. when i realised i was pregnant my partner didnt want it, he wasn't there during my pregnancy, only when he wanted sex every fortnight or so. he came good then hated me again when we found out it was a girl we were having because he wanted a boy. he wasnt there during the birth despite me trying to get in contact with him, he showed up just after. things then kinda started to go okay between us both with our little newbie, he was still on crack everyday but it was a feeling of relief seeing him each day not when i had gone basically 9 months without him. after maybe 6 months he started getting alot worse, and i couldnt tolerate it much anymore, which lasted up until Oct 2016. hes a truck driver and is gone 3 nights a week, but when he was home he was never actually home, i never saw him unless he came to dump his dirty clothes or have a shower or sleep for 2 days then leave again with his influence. my daughter and i never saw him we never did anything together he never paid for bills or helped me financially despite him being on $1,800 a week. i fended for myself and our girl for the first year and a half, i remember many moments of grant lashing out at me like it was only yesterday. i still remember falling to my knees on my kitchen floor one day, screaming my lungs out, whaling with tears, with my phone in my hand just begging for him to come home. "please please come home please" things i asked everyday i remember, i remember the pain, i remember the trauma. i remember the loneliness, every night at 3am when i am still struggling to sleep because i dont know where you are, one more quick burst out of tears and show myself more self hate before i cry myself to sleep. the last 6 months hes been clean and sobar and back to his old amazing self, however im jus finding myself wanting to get away from him. i want to live separate without actually breaking up, i never gave myself the space i needed to heal myself and the trauma i went through for so long, i need time to miss him. hes so insecure because of his own fuck ups that its now taking its toll on me on another level and i am mentally drained. i just want to this so much but im so lost with how, doing so seems like a fairy tale

Starwolf · ‎16-04-2017

Good to meet you Luka-Ann, welcome to the forums.

Thank you for trusting us with your story.

You have been through hell, involved in a toxic relationship while caring for a new baby. Unfortunately, you can't stay in hell a while and come out unscathed. It takes its toll and leaves deep scars.

When it comes to PTSD, I have been a bit of a Jane of all trades as I went through a series of varied traumas. So I understand your need to reclaim your physical, mental and emotional space to recoup. It is wise of you to take time out to heal. Of course, it may be difficult to explain the decision to your partner, particularly now that he is sober. Quite a few people have the notion that they can put you through the shredder but that you should come out just fine when the shredding stops.

Are you undergoing treatment at the moment ? If not, booking a long GP appointment would be a good place to start. You may need to go on a mental health plan. Your partner would then be given the opportunity to talk with your appointed therapist. A professional's words usually make an impact. The more info he can get about PTSD, the better he could understand and support you. For his own peace of mind, he needs to understand that it is what you need to do to help you both resume a healthy relationship.

Copying this link into your browser will give you tips on discussing mental illness :

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/have-the-conversation/talk-about-it#findwords

Please take good care of yourself. You are the priority right now. You deserve all the TLC and support that you can get. Is your family behind you with this ?

Looking forward to reading more from you.

Good to have you on board.

Luka-_Ann · ‎16-04-2017

thankyou so much for your fast response, reading your reply has helped opened up my mind just that bit more it needed. putting some things into perspective for me which is what i really needed to hear, thankyou. i never knew how to explain the way i feel but your response about being put through a shredder was perfect. because once the shredding stops it's exactly what my partner always expects and assumes, that i should be fine now and that i am fine. after all, hes stopped doing the things that hurt me, so what what do i have to still be hurt about? i can see thats the exact thing he will firstly say and feel when i eventually grow the strength to create the distance between us we both need. i am currently on anti-depressants and have been for about 4 years now, ive switched between a few since i fell pregnant for health & safety reasons but brought myself back to the first original brand given to me. i always feel like i need to constantly have my meds bumped up in order to deal with the daily things that irritate me like currently my partners just constant existence. im sick of telling him i love him 5 times a day and giving 5 kisses everytime we part each other even for 2 minutes. its so exhausting. i just want all my time for me right now im so desperate for it. i only have the small room my toilet is in to hide myself for 5 minutes if i feel i cant hold back the meltdown thats just sitting beneath my surface. between my constant attention having to be with my daughter and then also with him too, its just beyond exhausting like i keep repeating cos i dont kno any better word for it. my mum is 120% always behind me and what i feel, she always tries to help me and guide me the way i need but i constantly refuse to basically admit that this is what needs to be done. ive ignored my own feelings for so many years now cos i am always so worried about hurting or disappointing anyone else that i continue to push myself deeper and deeper into this black hole i cant seem to climb out of. i dont know where to even start trying to explain any of this to him, it scares me, it hurts me before i have even hurt him and even that is annoying to me cos im sick of worrying about other peoples feelings first. he has dragged me through absolute hell and back so why do i still feel guilty when ive never hurt him in his lifetime. booking GP appointment asap, but do i wait for that conversation first, before telling him how i feel? ty

Starwolf · ‎17-04-2017

Thank you for your feedback.

You do have remarkable insight into your situation and what causes your dilemma. Guilt re his past actions has caused your partner to feel insecure. His constant demands (made to reassure himself) are a burden on your already exhausted inner resources.

Your own guilt at the thought of hurting him compounds the problem. But you see Luka-Ann, you can't be made responsible for another adult. Your partner will have to work out for himself that every action bears consequences...no matter how difficult to accept. For his own sake, he needs to take responsibility.

There is no virtue in staying in a toxic situation till a meltdown happens. This wouldn't do anybody any good. Your personal needs are the priority. If left unattended too long, burn out would necessarily follow. You owe it to yourself and your daughter to make sure it doesn't happen.

It is good to know your mother is supportive and will help you over this rough patch. Perhaps knowing you have asked for professional help would help your partner realize that something needs serious attention. If he finds it difficult to let go, you could then ask him to go along with you next time. You will need to be 100% honest with your doctor about your feelings and concerns. You know best whether your partner's presence would make it more difficult.

If a PTSD diagnosis is made, you will probably need to go on a mental health plan with subsidized therapist sessions. This will bring home to your partner your need for treatment and healing. Giving you necessary space will hopefully be understood as something he can do for you, perhaps a way to atone for past behaviour. Focusing on his own needs would be a show of selfishness. Apart from his insecurity issues, he's OK. You're not.

You know better than anyone else how best to go about this. All I can do is present options and an outsider's perspective for you to consider.

Please take care and start the healing journey ASAP. We will support and cheer you on every step of the way.