Why do l feel like a leper?

[JayV]

Since telling the important people in my life about my mental illness some don't know how to talk to me? Some don't! Or this just paranoia brought on by my depression and anxiety and over thinking every thing? Jay 😕

[MarkJT]

Jay, an interesting question you ask. Personally i have thought long and hard about this one but for me people go into four categories.

1) Those that are super interested in it and love to talk about it. Not many of these around.

2) Those that will talk about it for a while then get uncomfortable and want to talk about something else. Plenty of these about.

3) Those that want to help or talk about it but are to scared to ask about it. Don't know how to approach it and don't know what to ask. No stigma attached just they do not know. Heaps of these about i reckon and it could well be that some of your friends are in this category.

4) Those that fuel stigma and think it is weak to have a mental illness or disorder. These people are severely under educated and need their eyes open. Some will never have their eyes open and personally if i had mates like this, i would cut them out of my life. They are toxic.

The challenge for you now is to work out who is in what category.

You clearly have the courage to tell them about it, are you able to ask them what their thoughts are on it?

Mark.

[JayV]

Hi Mark and thanks for your reply. Your answer makes perfect sense, deep down l know that what you say is true. I don't have many friends left, I think l have driven them away 😕 I am in Tassie my best friend in Brisbane. She is the only one that 'gets' me, never judges, always listens and would be here in a heart beat if l asked. I just don't have the energy to have her here 😕 My anxiety and depression was the result, or a contributing factor of a workplace sexual assualt 5 years ago. I was repeatedly raped by a client, a large autistic man in my care. His family have money and offered me a large sum to sweep it under the rug, l chose to press charges as the assaults were premeditated. Cognitive and drug therapy were working and l was ok, holding down a job, in a good relationship great kids and then, he was released from jail. I first started having small anxiety attacks that escalated into me being found curled up in the fetal position at the local Maccas where l ran in to him and his carer. I am now off work for 6 weeks then being admitted to hospital for TMS therapy. I feel like my partner is more worried about me losing my job than my mental health, or as you said he just dosen't know what to say or do? Have a meeting with my boss tomorrow and have been ill all day thìnking of it. One of my sons won't answer his phone and my daughter is always 'too busy' to talk. Anyway you probably got more than you bargained for when you answered! Thanks for listening and l will take your advice on board 😊 Hope all is ok with you.. Kind regards J

[Croix]

Dear Jay~

No way its paranoia, maybe a little overthinking, hard to know without more info, but there is definitely a problem - other peoples', not yours.

I do know this:

Firstly Mark has given you an excellent run-down of the different types of reactions people have, spot-on.

Secondly even when someone is on-side it can take time.

I remember when I first met a friend of mine. He was in an enormous black wheelchair and twisted up a bit like Steven Hawkings - though he could speak fine.

The first few times I was with him all I could see was the wheelchair and the twisted body - so I stuck strictly to business. Was just about incapable of doing anything else, no way I'd discuss his situation. Apart from anything else did not know what he was going to be sensitive about.

As time went on this changed. Now I don't see the wheelchair or the physical infirmary at all, or if I do it is because they come up in normal conversation. He is just a friend like any other.

He's had to explain what he needs, and some things I've had to ask. Now if his chair needs fixing, we sort it. If his body gives out we call a doctor or ambulance (normally recovers in a few days).

I suppose I was a type 3 on Mark's scale. There would be a lot around. Outside normal experience, outside comfort zone, but prepared to talk and help. Takes patience on both sides.

Croix

[JayV]

Thanks Croix

At the moment is just one day at a time, today not so good, hence being on this site to talk to people who can relate to what l am feeling. Your answer helped so thank you ☺ Going to venture outside now and get some sun. Is tempting to take a sleeping pill and curl up under the doona but l know this will just make it worse 😕 So off l go! Have a great day x Jay

[MarkJT]

Jay, not a chance i got more than i bargained for answering your initial post, no way. You see unfortunately you are not the first person who has posted a story like yours and I feel for you heaps as that must have been so horrible.

What you felt when you saw him, that I would think is completely natural. He put you through a horrible experience and you are not going to forget that.

Do you talk to your best mate often? Although she is not there, can you skype her or FB video her? Would be good to just sit down and have a chat. Does she know the full story? Either way, if you sit down with her over say skype and have an in depth discussion about how you are going, you will feel more comfortable doing that.

Once you get more comfortable telling her, then you can move onto other people that are close to you. If someone shuns you after you tell them that you have depression and anxiety and the reason for it, well that person does not deserve to be in your life.

Have you had that open and honest discussion with your partner? I assume he knows about what happened to you and he may well fall into the category of just not knowing how to talk about it. Remember us blokes, on the average, don't do mental health talks very well because we have this caveman mentality that we need to be tough and strong and not show emotion.

Have you had specific sex assault counselling?

Again, more than happy to be here chatting with you. Hopefully i can help guide you through this journey you are on so that you are happy and smiling again.

Mark.

[Croix]

Dear JayV~

Yes, some days are better than others. I've known that feeling. And don't worry, nobody got more than they bargained for. If life was that easy there would be no need for this place.

The first thing is to admire you for not accepting the money and going to court. Irrespective if there was a guilty plea or not it would have taken real guts. How many others you have saved or warned will never be known. Does not make it any less of a courageous thing to do.

Second is that the regime and therapies had made a good start. The fact that you had that reaction is not a surprise. Knowledge of his release building up to seeing him, no - no surprise at all. Future treatment planned out and in hand - that is great.

Also you had enough in you to make the connection to the Forum and are here today talking.

Again you have shown guts in not diving under the doona and are going outside instead.

You've had your meeting with your boss? May I ask how it went?

How old are your kids? Sometimes our children, even when adults, don't realize how human their parents are, and something that happened 5 years ago can seem in the distance, "should be history".

Not sure how to change that. I guess talk. For many it's an emotion loaded time with their own feelings perhaps of failure, embarrassment and wishing to avoid the whole thing.

With your partner, well he should be 100% there for you, it is that simple. Yes, easy for me to say but true. If you loose a job and money becomes an issue - you face it together (and no guilt on your part either). For someone with no knowledge of things maybe actively looking should be the way to go.

As a good a starting place as any is probably our own 24/7 help line listed above (you could use it yourself if you get overwhelmed, it's quite a normal thing to do). The professionals there should be able to steer a person towards the right resources. I'll also mention

https://www.1800respect.org.au/

This forum, including the PTSD section here, has a fair few people that have faced situations like yours. If you wanted - have a browse though and see.

Please keep posting, you will be met with care and understanding

Croix

[MarkJT]

Jay, just thinking, how would you feel about changing the name of your thread?

I just think that to get you moving forward and to tackle this, if you could email the admin and ask to change the name of the thread to a more positive one?

Your call obviously but think it would be a good idea.

Cheers

Mark.