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PTSD and trauma

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A_Tech PTSD for Medical and First Responders
  • replies: 276

Hi, Well obviously this my situation. I was hoping to find others here that might have a similar background to chat with, it can be so hard to talk about this stuff with non-med people (and I mean no disrespect, it's just often graffic or upsetting t... View more

Hi, Well obviously this my situation. I was hoping to find others here that might have a similar background to chat with, it can be so hard to talk about this stuff with non-med people (and I mean no disrespect, it's just often graffic or upsetting to others). Im a 40 year old female that has spent the last 10years in the State Trauma Hospital as an Anaesthetic Technician. My PTSD was brought about after years of exposure to shocking traumas, deaths, and no support from management. I would love to hear from anyone that has a similar story, or just wants to chat. Cheers

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R3dr0s3 My first time here - diagnosed with PTSD last year
  • replies: 11

Hi world, I was diagnosed with PTSD last year and after making leaps and bounds for some time I have managed to face plant into a few walls recently. I have seeing psychologists for like 7 years and I thought that maybe I was be getting somewhere but... View more

Hi world, I was diagnosed with PTSD last year and after making leaps and bounds for some time I have managed to face plant into a few walls recently. I have seeing psychologists for like 7 years and I thought that maybe I was be getting somewhere but this new diagnosis on top of the depression, anxiety and chronic pain just kicks me about. I have started to scare myself and as it turns out my breakdown the other night also scared my partner. I have always been so good at hiding my mental health and putting on the sunny face for everyone but the other night I drank and I lost myself in from of the one I love most. If you had asked me a few months ago what the word trigger means I would have probably just said something off the top of my head, but now it sits deep in my emotions. Trigger now means fear, loss of control, pain, repeating my mantra 'just stay alive', it's a battle of constantly being in fear of how something may effect you. When I get triggered I lose touch. I stare at photos of my niece, that at every other moment of my life I love with everything, and try and connect with her I try to find that feeling but it's no longer there. The urge to punish yourself is so strong that it takes everything you have to not hurt yourself, to stay alive. Right now I know that is not me. Right now I can look at it all and say that it is a disorder and it will get better. The triggers will get further apart. The complete loss of the rational brain, the person inside my body, is a great one that I mourn once I come back to reality and look back at how far I fell this episode. I am here because my partner asked me to reach out to BB. I don't know how to deal with all this pain. The vicious cycle. I hope that this post can help people to feel not alone, and perhaps I will get some of that relief myself? How do you truly just ask for something without giving something first? I want to live.

RELUCTANTLY_PTSD You know me.
  • replies: 9

I live in your town, work in your community, I work hard, play hard. You say hi to me at the supermarket. You know me. You know I never served in a war, but you don't know about the trauma that changed my life. I've never been in a war zone... Except... View more

I live in your town, work in your community, I work hard, play hard. You say hi to me at the supermarket. You know me. You know I never served in a war, but you don't know about the trauma that changed my life. I've never been in a war zone... Except for the one in my head. The one where my own body becomes my enemy, as I struggle to slow my breathing, still my shaking hands, stop the panic that invades every fibre of my being. I couldn't hold a gun, even if I wanted to. I know the science; my body is responding physiologically to a perceived threat. I know that in this moment, there is no threat. But my brain is searching for an enemy, sweeping the room for dangers, identifying potential exits... The enemy it's seeking, is itself. My brain is telling my body to go into fight or flight. Or freeze. I can't choose. I can be stuck there for days. You can't possibly know I haven't slept properly in days. If you did know that, you'd tell me to get some rest, relax. I can't. Because science. My brain is creating chemicals that tell me to be alert, be hyper vigilant. My reactions seem excessive to you. They are excessive. And there are days in my life when despite knowing that, I cannot control my physiological symptoms. When I found the words to adequately convey the scale of my terror... His response was "Wow. It's noisy in your head. I don't like it here." He knows me. Loves me; despite knowing that sometimes I can't talk, get out of bed, be the friend or sister or daughter or aunt or colleague that he needs me to be. Sometimes it is all I can do just to breathe. I know you find that difficult to comprehend. An exaggeration. An impossibility. If I truly was experiencing these symptoms and thoughts, especially for extended periods of time... I must surely explode? I don't; I implode. You might know that I suffer episodes of manic depression. You have noticed there have been times when I have simply vanished; from my home, my job, my life. Or maybe you didn't notice I was gone. Maybe you noticed when I came back, that you hadn't seen me in a while... I seemed quieter. Flatter. Cautious. Even when I am back, functioning, contributing, "my usual self", in control... There is still a part of me that is still scanning the room, checking the exits. You may know me, but you don't see me. You can't. I live in your town, work in your community, I work hard, play hard. You say hi to me at the supermarket. You know me. And I have PTSD.

Daemon Looking for someone to help, as I have lost hope.
  • replies: 13

Things are hard, and keep getting harder. I ask for someone who wishes to talk to me. About traumatic events I have had, horrible things I have been through or just to talk. I can't keep filling up the bottle inside with my emotions, and I am looking... View more

Things are hard, and keep getting harder. I ask for someone who wishes to talk to me. About traumatic events I have had, horrible things I have been through or just to talk. I can't keep filling up the bottle inside with my emotions, and I am looking for someone to be a friend. Even if I never meet you or know who you are. I don't really have friends currently. So this is really my last real choice to do something for myself.

Sal81 Recovering from a car accident
  • replies: 1

My husband (Dean) was home on his first RNR from FIFO and on the Sunday 28th February we decided to do a bit of gardening before heading to the shops with my mum too (visiting from QLD). On our way home we decided to get some video's to watch for the... View more

My husband (Dean) was home on his first RNR from FIFO and on the Sunday 28th February we decided to do a bit of gardening before heading to the shops with my mum too (visiting from QLD). On our way home we decided to get some video's to watch for the afternoon/evening. We reversed parked at the video car park, always on the end as we had a new car. It was a hot day and my mum and I got a ice-cream and Dean a cool drink. Dean went to the car to cool it off. I followed put my hand bag in the back seat (behind the driver). I said to Dean "we won't be long, just finish our ice-creams in the shade". I closed the door and walking past the front of the car and I suddenly heard this noise; I turned and couldn't believe my eyes !! At that point - 28/02/16 - 2:45pm - after 5 weeks of being married - our lives changed in seconds !! An out of control driver was laughing at speed and t-boned our car, when I turned he was launched. I was screaming !!! I yelled out to a man sitting in his car "CALL the emergency services" - I ran to the cars to ensure it wasn't going to burst into flames and rushed to Dean's aid. He was in shock. Everything happened so fast. We rushed to emergency to were Dean had to undergo critical surgery. He was resuscitated and placed on life support transferred to ICU. Split Liver, damage to kidneys, fractured ribs/spine, smashed ankle. With many weeks in ICU/Trauma ward, dealing with the life changing event, deal with unsupportive parent-inlaws, drams with insurance companies and the list goes on. Nearly 22weeks later things are looking up. Physio has started now after many ops, but unlikely to returning to work till the new year. Dean has to deal with the physically side and I seem to be trying to deal with the mental side. Seeing it happen, unable to protect my husband, coming so close to death myself, now dealing with the knock on effect it has had in our life's has been challenging. Along with this we are also dealing with failed IVF treatments. We long for a happy future with rug rats but still at the moment - day by day -

Rainbowgen Opening up for the first time about my trauma
  • replies: 10

Hi, I joined this in hope of finding someone who will hopefully listen and understand. I have always put myself in a place where I didn't mean much and over the past year I have been working at changing that which has lead to the rise of other issues... View more

Hi, I joined this in hope of finding someone who will hopefully listen and understand. I have always put myself in a place where I didn't mean much and over the past year I have been working at changing that which has lead to the rise of other issues. Crypt I know. I'm really not sure what to say, i'm young, I've been hurt and I feel like it's my fault

Cornstarch Emotional flashbacks really sting my heart
  • replies: 2

I really struggle with emotional flashbacks of complicit bystanders to my child abuse. I have had years and years of therapy that continues to this day. I exercise, eat well, I love my friends, I have dependable employment, I have the best clinical p... View more

I really struggle with emotional flashbacks of complicit bystanders to my child abuse. I have had years and years of therapy that continues to this day. I exercise, eat well, I love my friends, I have dependable employment, I have the best clinical psychologist in the southern hemisphere and do everything "you're meant to do" when you have complex PTSD. Despite this, I just can't budge the pain in my heart when I am being flooded with emotional flashbacks to one of the most hurtful elements of the violent sexual assault in my early life. I was raped in front of my perpetrators wife and she did nothing. In fact she started giving me gifts. I was raised in a house with "parents, who should never have been parents" if you know what I mean. What this meant in light of my assault is that it reinforced the feelings of 'disregard' and 'worthlessness' that I felt when a mother figure did not save me, and in fact endorsed the crime, never to mention a word to authorities. My parents unfortunately kept my nervous system in a state of perpetual shock. I know this must sound ridiculous and way over sensitive, but an example of me struggling with emotional flashbacks when I'm in their grasp, would be my boss, or another authority figure rolls their eyes at me, or gives me negative feedback on the job, or simply does not say hello. It may just be other females in the office not liking me. This triggers all my grief and intense sadness. I time travel back decades to the precise second when I saw her presence once the violence was over, and her cold inaction at my powerlessness. I run to the toilets at work and I burst into tears like a teenage girl. I have done so much inner work that I am consciously aware that I have had an emotional reaction that is "out of context", that I am safe, that I have people that love me..........and yet the sting in my heart is so intense some days I just want to go to a deserted island and cry until sunset. I don't feel like a bottomless pit of depression is in front of me. I feel like a bottomless pit of grief and sadness is. I don't know how to help that heal when I have been so deeply betrayed by both sexes. I love all my friends. But there's also a part of me that is secretly scared of them. It's like I'm crouching and waiting for people to hurt me. Does anyone else experience emotional flashbacks to trauma that you intellectually know are 'old wounds' and nothing to stress about, and yet they sting like hell?

Progressive PTSD from MVA (Motor Vehicle Accident)
  • replies: 2

I was 18 years old when I had my car accident, it was on boxing day 2012. I was driving back home after spending Christmas with my family, driving a 1993 corolla, so no airbags. About an hour into my way home it started to rain, nothing to heavy. I w... View more

I was 18 years old when I had my car accident, it was on boxing day 2012. I was driving back home after spending Christmas with my family, driving a 1993 corolla, so no airbags. About an hour into my way home it started to rain, nothing to heavy. I was almost halfway home and excited to enjoy my gifts from Christmas. As I was coming around a bend on the road another car was also but lost control and smashed into me at over 100km per hour. I was hit on the driver side door (T-Bone). The impact broke 4 of my ribs, I was bleeding into my stomach and lacerated my liver and spleen also puncturing a lung. As I was in shock, the car behind the one that hit me pulled over. A women was running towards me and just happened to be a nurse on her way to work at the local hospital. She kicked in the back door window and crawled in. She was comforting me as best she could, saying it was going to be ok and it wasnt to bad. At this stage I was coughing blood, I thought I was going to die. It wasnt to long till police arrived, they also just comforted me until an ambulance arrived. The police called in the fire brigade to cut me out of the car as it was completely smashed in. That took over an hour, I was then placed on a spinal and taken to the ambulance. Still being in shock and not knowing what was going on I started saying my goodbyes, to loved ones. After being in the ambulance for about half an hour I then was taken to be airlifted to hospital. I spent 5 days in ICU (Intensive care unit) and further 7 in surgical ward. Its been almost 4 years since that day but during that time since the crash my mental health was actually worse then the initial car crash was because it lasted so much longer. Having 14 hospital admissions for suicidal thoughts/attempts within 3 years after the accident. I still struggle with my crash, everyday of my life. But things get better. I am getting the proper treatment for PTSD and am in my first year of Uni and that is something I never saw for myself. I have gotten through the worst of it now and am planning for my future which is still weird for me to say. If I can get through such dark and scary times then anyone can, you just have to be brave and stick at the hope of getting better because it does, it really does get better.

Chelle_e Just need to tell my story (trigger warning)
  • replies: 7

Hi, on the 2/7/13 I had a car accident. My children were in the car with me. My son 5, daughter 8, and daughter 18. My 18yr old was 34 weeks pregnant. We had only just confirmed the pregnancy - she was in denial and although I could see that she was ... View more

Hi, on the 2/7/13 I had a car accident. My children were in the car with me. My son 5, daughter 8, and daughter 18. My 18yr old was 34 weeks pregnant. We had only just confirmed the pregnancy - she was in denial and although I could see that she was pregnant, it took alot of convincing for her to accept that she was. We were all really happy. My car rolled 6 times. No-one knows why. We don't remember. My son broke both legs his nose and eye socket, my 8yr old daughter broke both legs an arm and the bone that connects the neck to the skull, my 18yr old broke her foot her knee her femur her pelvis and her neck. Her baby, my grandson was delivered stillborn later at the hospital. I also had injuries, but that doesn't matter. I feel like I deserve that. I don't know how to live with what happened. The police told me that I was not speeding. I was not doing anything on my phone. I knew, but they confirmed I had no drugs or alcohol in my system. They said I must have just lost concentration. They charged with negligent driving occasioning grievous bodily harm. I have now been diagnosed with PTSD. I have nightmares of trying to get my car back on the road. Fighting to get control. I can hear my children screaming. I don't go anywhere. I'm terrified of getting in the car. I haven't driven since the accident. I can't be around babies. My brother and his wife had a little boy 2 months after the accident and although I have met him and I am happy for them I never held him and avoid seeing him. A good friends son just had a baby boy. She wants me to meet him but I can't. I feel sick just thinking about it. It's not fair. I love my babies and have always protected them. Always made sure they were safe and it was me that ruined everything. How do I live with that? I feel so alone.

Singlebutterfly Living with PTSD for 10 years and still no better
  • replies: 3

Hi All, I have been a single parent for 9 years now after being in an abusive relationship (emotional, mental, financial and some physical and sexual abuse) for nearly 10 years, from which I developed PTS, but was no officially diagnosed with PTSD un... View more

Hi All, I have been a single parent for 9 years now after being in an abusive relationship (emotional, mental, financial and some physical and sexual abuse) for nearly 10 years, from which I developed PTS, but was no officially diagnosed with PTSD until 5 years after developing the symptoms. I have been under a number of treatments both chemical and psychological over the past 4 years and have found the chemical treatments side effects to become quite unbearable and invasive in my life, though everytime I manage to get a rapport with a psychologist/ counselor they would either take extended leave or move from my area all together (I am in a rural community), I have even gone as far as admitting myself to a mental health unit through fear of my own safety. Though have found that upon discharge from the inpatient unit there is no services offered to help me in dealing with what I am feeling. The way I am feeling is so turbulent. At night I find I cannot sleep, or wake in fright from night terrors. I find myself socially isolated and find I have major anxiety when out and around others, especially when I am forced to go into an area where my ex husband frequents. Though my biggest fear is in my own home, where the behaviours of my two older children mimic the abuse their father use to direct at me, this puts my PTSD at a whole new level, I will hide in my bedroom and pretend to be asleep, or will go out in my car to get away from the abuse. I have no external family support as my family walked away from me last year, and the only two friends I do have, have abusive partners themselves, so I avoid them if possible. I feel like I am reliving the relationship I was once in and feel powerless to control the situation I am in. When I was in that abusive relationship I attempted to take my life twice, this is not a road I want to follow down again, and when those thoughts get in my head it frightens me to the core. I am sick of living with PTSD and just want a life with some happiness in it, but am finding each door I seem to open gets shut in my face.

lilley Abuse and depression
  • replies: 13

Can depression be an excuse for abuse ,I am really confused. What is acceptable ?​

Can depression be an excuse for abuse ,I am really confused. What is acceptable ?​