Sibling Abuse

[Egbert97]

I'm gonna try make this quick before I recede back into myself.

I think, like most all people here, I have a history of mental health problems. Namely I go through bouts of depression & anxiety- sometimes it isn't so bad, other times its terrible. I'm in that terrible place right now. Now I like actively seeking to understand and resolve myself. I fought my problems whilst I was school fairly actively: I joined the public speaking team, I saw counsellors, I made a concerned effort to connect with people & maintain friendships and I opened my feelings to them. It worked pretty well. But now I'm out of school and working a lot of those safeguards have been removed, and although it could be worse, I'm still struggling. And I think I've found the prime mover for a lot of my problems.

My older brother is 4 years older than me and from the ages of 12-16 I was victim of what I think is abuse. Despite being mildly bullied at school, home wasn't a particularly pleasant place for me. My brother and I were always fighting and I feel his actions were unjustified. I have blurry memories of instances of physical and emotional abuse. I remember him tackling me through dry wall once. I remember him hurting me with a pencil. I remember him throwing a salt shaker that narrowly missed me. I remember regular physical fights that left me in tears and my ears ringing, and when I hid in my room he'd sing and laugh at me, taunting me and, afterwards, he'd nonchalantly watch TV, and I'd be stuck in my room for hours because I didn't want the confrontation. To be fair he gave a lot of my family a tough time (even now we physically fight- yes he lives with us still). We couldn't sit near each other at the dinner table. He lived with my grandparents at one point. I used to have dreams of me fighting him, but every time he felt nothing, like my hands were made of nothing. There's so much else that I can remember, and so much else I feel I've forgotten. I've traced a lot of my current-day issues to him, and now there's nothing more I want to do than to hurt him the way he's hurt me, but even so the idea makes me want to cry, and I tremor and get scared. Any form of confrontation with him amplifies these reactions.

My depression and anxiety is getting worse, and I know how bad it can get. Is it safe to assume that my childhood experiences with my brother are the reason, or at least, a partial reason for this? What should I do?

[kestrel]

My experiences with my 2 older brothers were mostly physical violence, though the oldest tried to sexually abuse me. He also hurt my physically. He liked verbally tormenting me too. He is 10 years older and the other one 5 years older. My mother also physically hurt me. The only place to escape was to go into the bush all day on the weekends or hide out and read. Speaking for myself I felt like being somewhere else and that I was unworthy, unlovable and unwanted. This lead to a life of depression and anxiety. I've had some help through psychologists and some meds. It takes a lot of work to believe in yourself and to realize that you didn't deserve that treatment. I think that those feeling of depression stem from low self worth caused by childhood abuse and trauma. Unfortunately childhood abuse is more common than we'd like to think.

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi Stannis,

Welcome to the forums and thanks for being here.

I really appreciate that you felt comfortable to open up with us and share what's been going on for you. I'm really sorry to hear that this happened to you and that it's still bothering you today.

As to your question; of course we could assume that this is the reason; but we're only getting a tiny snapshot of what your life is like and how you struggle with depression and anxiety.

The fact that you've linked to this and identified that these memories (and confrontations) are making you cry and tremor is a strength in itself. It's actually often very hard for people to figure out that what was happening was abuse. I had similar experiences with my parents and I just felt like it was normal parenting for years. You mentioned seeing a counsellor in the past; is this something you'd be open to doing again? I really encourage you to consider it.

Oh- and I can understand wanting to hurt him the way that he hurt you, even if you never act on those thoughts and feelings. Fighting and conflict often (but not always) has to do with control; so you fighting him back might be about you regaining some of that control and helping him understand some of that pain he caused you. Maybe that's why in the dreams he doesn't feel anything; because he doesn't understand how serious it was or the effect it would have on you.

[Egbert97]

Thanks for the reply. I appreciate it.

I only recently started to link my mental health problems with what happened back when I was younger. There's so much more that I can remember, and I feel that there's so much more I can't. Problem is I feel like sometimes I am plagued with self-doubt. People don't seem to take sibling abuse all that seriously, the go to examples are child abuse from parents, and in many ways I feel like my 'victimhood' is unnoticed. Have I inflated what happened to me as a means of justifying how I feel now? Was what I experienced abuse or just something brothers normally go through? To be fair sometimes my brother and I can get along reasonably okay- how does that fit in?

I'm sure these gaps in my knowledge can be filled with proper counselling but I'm also really weary of the psychiatric field. I felt like my last counsellor didn't really challenge what I felt and instead let me ramble cathartically. Before that I was given medication for anxiety and depression, but it seemed really brash. I met the psychiatrist for 30 minutes and he prescribed me my medication. He never followed up on how it went, how I was going and I never even saw him again. My mother wouldn't let me take it because she is also skeptical of the field and how in some cases it worsened suicidal thoughts. I was vindictive at the time but looking back, I don't blame her. Medication exacerbated my cousins mental illnesses horribly. I was also told I was most likely bipolar by a psychologist (and though I am aware they can't professional diagnose people, he was a specialist in the field), only to be told by another psychiatrist that there's nothing wrong with me. I don't really like seeking treatment through them and for the past 3 years I've just been learning to fix myself albeit slowly.

As for fighting him back, we have fought before. Its mainly wrestling and tussling because elevating it to a fist-fight or a full on brawl is distressing for my family and my person, and could also lead to a serious energy. He's also very physically overpowering and intense. By his own admission, he's the kind of guy that wouldn't pull any punches; he would not hesitate to clobber me if it came to that.

Maybe I'll try give counselling another chance. I mainly wrote here so that someone would know what I'm going through because I haven't aired my feelings out to anyone. I don't like being withdrawn. I'm actually a fairly boisterous and outgoing person. It's just hard.

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi Stannis,

Thanks for your post.

I can completely relate to that feeling of having it feel unnoticed. This was something that I experienced for years; thinking that it was just 'normal parenting' and things everyone went through. The takeaway I have from this now is that;- people don't know what it's like to be you. They don't know what you went through and how you felt so if they're undermining it it's only from their own experiences. There's no reason you would want to 'inflate your experiences'; so if things are coming up from your past, they're coming up for a reason. and most importantly; just because your brothers and you can get on 'reasonably okay' doesn't mean what they did or how you felt is any less real or justified.

In many ways it's a shame and it's frustrating because what you're feeling is incredibly similar to those who have been through sexual abuse with people they don't know; and this is often taken much more seriously even though it's still abuse and still not right.

I do really encourage you to give counselling another chance. Counsellors in my experiences are like Doctors; no two are the same. Unfortunately seeing a bad counsellor or psychiatrist can put people off seeing another, but in reality there is a great one out there who can give you the tools and help you.

One thing that I've found really helpful with therapy (I have a good one now) is that good therapists like to be challenged. Ask questions; poke and prod. The session is about you. If you don't feel like you're getting anywhere - say so. If you're not sure what path he/she is on, ask. Medication is of course your choice, but in my experiences people who hand scripts out after knowing someone for 30 minutes don't seem to have our best interests at heart.