A few years ago I had a real crappy experience that triggered night terrors and the feeling of never being safe, having to be on guard all the time. My boyfriends father attempted to strangle me. He never got to lay a finger on me but was real close and the intention was really obvious.
My therapist told me I was having symptoms of PTSD but not just from that event but from everything else in my life leading to it and that scare triggered it.
Im the youngest of five, my mother is mentally unwell, my home wasn't a happy place and not a place I ever felt I could be myself. Always stressful. I have very difficult relationships with all my siblings. I feel that none of us learnt how to deal with our pain so would take it out on the next person and then that person would take it out on the next and so on. And you see I'm at endof this screwed up waterfall but I didn't have anyone to take it out on but myself. I was diagonosed with anxiety in kindergarten I think and probably was depressed since then too.
After this incident with my boyfriends dad I was heartbroken and shocked to have 2 family members feel the need to repetivly and kinda aggressively remind me that he didn't touch me. In a way to tell me I have no reason to still be upset or struggling with it.
Something I have put together recently is this shame of being the victim that my eldest sister passed onto me. Both of my sisters were sexually abused by my eldest brother, I have no memories of it happening to me but I can't rule out the possibility (use to change my nappies and babysit) but I'm not aloud to talk about it. So because of my sisters trauma she has put me down whenever I've shown any sign of feeling sorry for myself. I have many experiences with family members that still effect me to this day. They are manipulative, hypercritical and narcissistic.
my mind does this thing where it just thinks of horrible things happening and then another and another n it snowballs n I feel stressed n scared. I have a lot of self doubt and find myself shouting in empty rooms cause I'm so angry.
It makes sense to me that I have PTSD but my therapist had a baby n I have moved so I haven't had the chance to really talk about it to anyone. Im sick of feeling ashamed to think I might have PTSD, because I never been physically abused so therefore I'm not alowed to say I'm struggling.
