Sexual assault 12 months on

[Living57]

12 months ago Rememberance Day a day I will remember for all the wrong reasons. A late night knock at the door A person in a police uniform standing there. Yes I let him in
What ensued was a violent nasty sexual assault.
Yes I reported it Yes I went through with the forensic examination And 12 months on I am a shell of who I was.
I have moved interstate I am a prisoner in my own home scared of people I don't know terrified of crowds.
And above all absolutely NO TRUST or FAITH in the police. I was made to feel it was my fault l blame myself they found my mental health meds in my bedside table and assumed I'd lost the plot.
It has cost me more than I could have ever anticipated I understand why women don't report it pull out throw their hands in the air walk away refusing to take the matter any further. I understand what it's like to be made to feel it was your fault, you asked for it I know what it feels like recounting your story to every bloody police that crosses your path afterwards doing a photo ID of the person seeing the likeness staring at you from a computer screen.
I know this and much more and I hate it, that one person could cause this to happen.
I hate myself for allowing it to happen for trusting a uniform we are taught to trust I hate the thought that one day I may need to call them for help that I will never ever make that call no matter what.
I hate that this I question my existence.
I hate my life I am not living I am existing going through the motions day after day. My nights are not peaceful slumber but screaming nightmares and flashbacks. I look in the mirror I see a broken shattered person I barely recognise who I dislike, whose stupidity in trusting has left her wondering why she continues each day who cries until there are no tears left and cries some more. Who has professional help but one step forward, three steps back makes her wonder why she bothers but if she doesn't it will get worse.
Who is living in absolute fear of next week the 11th day of the 11th month because the horror will be relived over and over, more so than it is every bloody day of my useless existence.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Living57, Welcome back to the forums, we haven't seen you around for awhile. We are so sorry to hear about the trauma you have experienced at the impact that it has had on your life. We understand that having others disbelieve you or blame you for what occurred would be confusing, frustrating, and distressing. We are so glad that you had the courage to reach out here. We hear you and we believe you. Please know that you are strong and valuable and you have the right to live your life free of violence. Our community is here for you.

We can hear that this has been a really tough time for you. It sounds like you are experiencing a lot of complicated thoughts and emotions, also towards yourself. It's great that you've been seeking professional help. While it may not always so quickly deliver the improvements we would desire, it is good that you recognise that it is better to be receiving some support than not to be. You sound like a reflective and thoughtful person, we hope that you can try to be gentle with how you think about yourself and your actions. 

If you ever need to speak to someone between appointments, we would encourage you to contact 1800RESPECT. They offer confidential information, counselling and support 24/7 for people impacted by sexual assault, domestic or family violence and abuse. The lovely supportive counsellors have a lot of experience offering advice to support to women who have been through trauma like this. You can contact them on 1800 737 732 or https://www.1800respect.org.au/

We hope that you can find some comfort in the forums. Hopefully over the next few days, some of our members will be by to relate to you and offer some supportive words. Please feel free to keep us updated here on your thread throughout your journey.

[Living57]

Thank you for your response and the information you provided. I am at a loss when it comes to reaching out. I find it hard to speak to anyone, other than this way....online, as I find it difficult to verbalise whst happened. I talk to my psych regularly, but he has a copy of my police statement and somehow that made it easier. I struggle with so many aspects of my life as I can no longer watch shows I liked, read books I enjoyed, news be it radio or TV impact me. If I see a police car on the few occasions I go out I will turn down the nearest street and try my best not to end up a heap, crying my eyes out, panicking and I live in a different state now, but the reaction to the uniform....
Such is my life now, fear of so much and so many.
But once again thank you, it is truly appreciated

[Living57]

Update.
I'm now in hospital, admitted yesterday. Unrelated problems, but more time to do nothing more than think and let the brain replay memories. How tge he'll do people manage to change their line of focus. A good memory and a little part turns me to a place I dont want to go, then the blackness takes over bigger than before. Im so tired, tired of everything, just tired beyond exhausted.

[sunnyl20]

Hi Living57,

I am so sorry that this happened to you and that it continues to affect every aspect of your life in so many ways. It sounds like the past year has been deeply traumatic, exhausting and painful. What happened to you should never have happened, it was not your fault, and I am very sorry that so many people have made you feel this way. For someone to abuse your trust and take advantage of their position in such a violent and shocking manner is horrific. I cannot imagine how difficult it must be to live in a constant state of fear.

Unfortunately, it is not uncommon for the "anniversary" of a trauma to be especially distressing. I am really glad that you have been able to get some help from your psych - do you have any way of contacting him while you are in hospital? Would you be able to talk to him about what you are feeling and about tomorrow? Is there anything that you have found helpful in the past when the memories or physical/emotional sensations become too overwhelming e.g. grounding techniques, that your psych has discussed with you?

It is awful that this trauma has robbed you of your ability to enjoy books/shows/radio etc. I hope you don't mind me asking, but would you consider reading a book called The Body Keeps the Score (by Bessel van der Kolk)? It is a really informative book about trauma, the body's response, pathways to recovery, and healing. It may provide you with some hope. I should warn you though that there are some more intense parts, you could ask your psych if he thinks it would be okay for you to read right now or maybe a bit further down the track.

I am sorry that I can't do more to help, but please feel free to talk/vent more in this space if you want to. We are here to listen and offer support. Take care.

[Living57]

Thank ou for taking the time to talk to me via your response.
I will talk to my psych about the book you mentioned and find where I can get it.
I will be speaking with him today, the hospital have said they can find me a quite room for this conversation.
Once again thank you, your words and compassion mean a lot

[Living57]

Today has arrived, its just after 6.00 am and I'm curled up in my hospital bed. The staff have been wonderful as I originally woke at 4.00 with flashbacks and distress in my sleep. Couple of cups of tea and something to calm me down. They have got stronger drugs for me during tge day and although they have said they won't knock me out, they will help settle me when the hell sets in.
To say I'm not looking forward to today would be an understatement but having these people around will help me get through it.

The nightmares last night was like watching a movie only I was in it, very clear and real. The feeling of helplessness and fear, why me, wish I had fought back , all came tumbling back biggervthan before.
I'm scared of today but I have no choice, God help me get through it.

[Helarctus]

Hi Living57,

Idle hands can be the worst. It is terrible what happened to you and that it sounds like there hasn't been a resolution reached. I can understand the frustration of having to repeat yourself and your story, let alone the emotions that are stirred each time.

It is good you are in a safer space today and that may be something to plan for each year, taking the anniversary and turning it into a self care focus period. Making into something that is about good things for you.

As children in society we are taught that the police are there to help us and protect. This person has abused that trust and position to cause you harm. The kind that stirs an indignant rage and desire to reach for torches and pitchforks.

I don't think there is anything I can say that will solve the situation or magically make the day better, but please know that there are people here who care and understand some parts of what you have been through and want to help this day, and the next, and the next.

[Living57]

So I got through the day , not easily but I got our the other side relatively unscathed. I've spent the days since at home, trying to keep busy, stop the mind from wandering, failed miserably. Everything seems to set me off.
I am now at 7 20pm exhausted......physically and mentally and everything's become too hard.
I tried my knitting, 3 rows was all I could do.
I tried my painting yeah well not mentioning that.
My mind is wandering constantly to the blackness, the horrors and nightmares.
I'm so donevwith it all.
So fed up of trying I wonder why I keep putting myself through it I cannot see the sun on the otherwise.
My mind drifts to the end of life, I honestly wonder what is out there. Is it a permanent end, a nothingness or is there a heaven for want ifvanother word and uf so what is waiting there for us,?????? If I knew would I want to go sooner, now, would I be ready to leave all this pain behind me??? I'm tired of this fight, tired of everything right now, just exhausted its somewhere beyond normal tiredness....its just not caring windeting why its wondering why bother, day in day out, its wanting peace and a reason to keep going.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Living57,

We are so sorry to hear how exhausted you've been feeling. It sounds like you're in a dark place at the moment. We understand that this is a really tough time, but please know that things can always improve with the right treatment and support.

Our Support Service is reaching out to you privately to check in and offer some support. Please feel free to keep us updated on how you're going here whenever you feel up to it.