Looking for Support and a place to feel safe........

[Bridget_Jones]

Hi,

This is my first time on here - I've just been diagnosed with Complex PTSD by my psychiatrist. I'm also three years sober and to be honest I thought my thoughts, anxiety and fears were related to the disease of alcoholism as some are similar.

I've had childhood sexual abuse, emotional abuse from early teenage relationships, domestic violence in a relationship in my 20's where I was physically assaulted and other episodes of sexual abuse in my 30's.

It all makes sense - I'm constantly frightened in the world, I can't seem to express myself or have a voice, I'm constantly on edge and hypervigilant with all my surroundings, I'm never really comfortable. I can't seem to relax and be myself and find most people a threat. My body tenses up with anxiety and I'm never present, always in the future. I life my life in fear. I know now this is Complex PTSD from multiple traumas.

I'm glad I have a diagnosis now but am scared of facing life and wonder how I'm going to get through this when I've lived my life this way my entire life, it's all I know. I don't even know who I am anymore and what my identity is. My psychiatrist is going to help me with treatment, I feel lost and afraid - it's lonely and I can't connect to other people out of fear.

If anyone can suggest anything that has helped them, I'd love to hear from you. I'm 43 years old, female, single with no children, I just want this to go away and have the time to heal.

Thank you for listening,

[Croix]

Dear Bridget Jones~

Welcome here to hte Support Forum, you have already been supporting mish_kebab and elliptic, a lovely thing to see, particularity as you are not in a good place. Just for others to know they are not alone and what has append to them has happened to others does help

You have done a wonderful job in beating the drink, it
is something to be admired. With that sort of determination you will get
though this.

I've had PTSD, depression and anxiety from a different source, not family or relationships, so may not be the best person to answer you, however I'll try. I was around 40 when it really hit, I was invalided out of my occupation and experienced many of the things you mentioned, however I was also suicidal, though I told no one for some considerable time.

You rang a bell with:

I'm constantly on edge and hypervigilant with all my surroundings, I'm
never really comfortable. I can't seem to relax and be myself and find
most people a threat. My body tenses up with anxiety and I'm never
present, always in the future.

Though I'd have to include preoccupation with the past as well. My relations wiht those close to me suffered greatly, I"d sooner be alone.

To start of with, like you, I had no idea how I was gong to survive, and had no idea either of waht was me, and what was a bunch of symptoms.

For me, what starting an attempt to kill myself I decided instead to tell someone, and went into hospital. This was the start of improvement. Maybe becuse I was being honest and treated correctly. I'm not sure.

That might have been the start, though I still came home feeling much as you have described. The turning point came when I took up -as another's insistence - a course of study and started to find I had identity, an aim and a glimmer of hope. Then an occupation

I got miles better over time. Now I live a good life with satisfaction, occupation, giving and deceiving love and support - not something I'd have believed possible.

I had a lot of distractions to start with, particularity books. Having something to look forward to each day helped, as does an app called Smiling Mind, which helps me stop concentrating on things I wish to not think about

I'm not saying you need to study, or read books or go to hospital, that was me, you are different.

Being lonely facing this is extra hard. Is there anyone at all to give you a bit of support and care (Not including past partners who have abused you)?

Please talk some more, you are not alone

Croix

[marcymae]

Hi,

I'm so sorry that you've been through all of those horrible traumatic experiences. Also, congratulations on your sobriety. Recovery from addiction and trauma (trauma makes us all the more likely to struggle with addiction, too) is a really big feat and it takes a lot of courage, strength, and support. I'm really glad you've reached out in the forums, and that you've been seeing a psychiatrist for help too. I'm proud of you.

I really, really feel for you right now. I'm in my late twenties and we've both experienced very similar challenges, traumas, and situations. I've felt the same ways you've described and I know that living in constant fear is hell. We're not designed to live under such prolonged stress, and it's terrible for our mental and physical health all round. It can be so easy to fall into vicious cycles.
I wish I could help more, but I really want you to know that all of the hypervigilance, fear and day to day discomfort won't last forever. Even in your very worst days, even when you genuinely do n

[Bridget_Jones]

Thank you Marcymae, I really appreciate you taking the time to reply to my story. It is helpful being on these forums knowing I'm not alone, the fear is debilitating and taking over my life and I know there is help out there for me. It's a lonely illness.

I hope you are doing well and thank you again.

[David35]

I've had depression / anxiety for the last 15 years or so. I've also been sober for 10 of them, so stick with sobriety. I've also been anxious lately (not sure why), but I've found walking around this local duck pond helps. Just being outside, watching the aquatic bird life makes me relax a bit and clear my head out.