Ready to just give up

[Tom63]

I will try to make this as brief as I can, I am 55 years old , I was shunted of to boarding school at 12 years old, for 12 whole months I was sexually abused, I have been diagnosed with major depression anxiety and PTSD , I have recently undergone surgery for some of the trauma caused and require more surgery in the next 6 months, I have already been through one court case with the perpetrator and coming up in February I have a two week trial, just before my surgery I had a complete melt down , the only satisfaction I ever got and could lose myself in was my garden, well the neighbor destroyed my prize bush rose absolutely destroyed it that was 2 years ago, so I started again this time moving it away from our combined fence, and two days before my surgery he done the same thing, this time I hadn’t taken my meds for two days and was very scared and anxious about the operation. I completely had an extreme melt down, and went next door, I am now up on assault charges also resistance of arrest, I was then taken to a psychiatric unit for 3 days and just triggered me more as it felt like being dropped off at boarding school again. People say to me it was just a rose bush , to me my garden has been my therapy, I love sitting with my wife and watching my grandsons play , like I said it is more than a rose bush , I’ve tried and my wife has tried and my gp has tried to get help for me , my first psychiatrist put me in the to hard basket and dumped me, and I have just managed to secure a appointment with a psychologist. But for me I’m completely broken I just want to fade away , I cry most everyday and can’t sleep at night. I am at my witts end done, 45 years of this has broken me , I have nothing left , and the more I try the worse it seems to get. I’m so so sorry for the long message, and this is just a part of what’s happening in my life , once again I’m sorry for the long message..

[Croix]

Dear Tom63~

I'd like to wish you a very warm welcome . It is full of people that have had their hard times, and so more insight and understanding than most - including neighbors, the police, and a lot of medical professionals. You really do have to have walked a mile in another's shoes.

The idea of sitting with one's wife and watching grandchildren can be be lovely thing, much more important and healing that you might think, and gardening -when there are no hassles - is a whole way (and philosophy) of life. A rose-bush is so much more than just some sort of prickly shrub. It is a macrocosm of life, and responds to the treatment it is give.

Giving that care and attention -and thought -is as you quite rightly infer very good for the soul

I remember when we first moved to our house, very many years ago, my late wife planted a favorite rose, and even now, after she has long passed away it is covered in flowers every year. A tribute, an occupation to keep it well, and a glory.

I've been lucky with psychiatrists, having been mainly with two over the years, and they have helped, no mention of too-hard baskets, if they did not at times have a plan then gentle talk was offered -and helped.

Having a wife that loves and tries is a wonder to cherish in this world. I'm afraid when my PTSD, depression and anxiety first took hold of me I did not treat her well, and it is in large part due to her understanding, patience and strenght I'm still here.

My causes for illness were not yours, though they too seemed insuperable at the time, and I became very familiar with the aspects of suicide. I am glad my life did not end. I've reached an age of love, giving and taking, reliability, satisfaction and humor.

If I had been told that in the beginning I'd have aggressively shrugged it of as blather -but it has happened. I still take meds, still see my psych, but I manage well.

I get the impression you do not realize how strong you are and how well you have coped with horror. You have married, you have helped take a perpetrator to court, you have found coping solace in your garden, even survived that bush being destroyed the first time and begun again.

OK, so you were off your meds, the neighbor was a twit, the cops came, there was a to-do. It will pass and you will find, if you think on it, perhaps a small chink of light -enjoyment. For me in a ward it has been books, adolescent ones to start with, now adult ones. Different worlds offered in print.

What might you enjoy?

Croix

[Tom63]

Thank you so much for your insight and understanding. It really does mean a lot to me ..

[smallwolf]

Hi Tom,

there is something special about being outside, in a garden, and if that garden is your own, that you crafted then something special. And as you said, it is therapeutic. There is a botanical gardens near where I live, and being there is relief and healing.

And you can take your meds and still be anxious about an operation... I had a eye operation recently. I can compartmentalize the thought before the day, but on the day I was/am hopeless. But you get through it. So the thoughts that you were having regarding surgery are normal. And then your neighbour made things worse. 😞

Finally, there is another reason why you are stronger than you think... you were vulnerable to post your story here, putting yourself on the line, not knowing how others might react your post. People like Croix or myself, might not be the professionals, but we can and will listen to you tell your story if that helps.

Peace and comforting thoughts,

Tim

[Tom63]

Thank you

[Tom63]

I had my first visit with a new psychologist, I felt uncomfortable with some of the things he was saying and to me seemed submissive, worst of all I find out he is also a minister, that’s where my problems all started 45 years ago , bloody hell, it seems I keep falling deeper and deeper into an abyss, when I was put into the hospital for 3 days to me it was a huge trigger, it was like being dumped at boarding school again , I felt alone scared better word would be I was petrified, it was the same all over again , I had no say I had control I had nothing, I could ring my wife but all I could do was cry and sob uncontrollably to me it was horrific, they kept on saying I was in a safe place and was safe, but it made no difference I was still petrified, my wife kept on reassuring me that she loves me and she will always be here for me. In the past everyone just abandons me, and as much as she reassures me I’m scared that one day she will have enough. My thoughts always go back to why do I even bother the more I try the more I fail, I have no trust in anyone, because it’s always turned around on me. At the moment my life seems worthless unfulfilling, empty who wants to look at my pathetic face day in day out, I’m so very sorry for my rant and so so sorry you all have to listen to my story.

[Blue_Cat]

Hi Tom, I also struggle with PTSD and memories that resurface from ages 12-17. I've also had trouble finding a good psychologist, I'm currently waiting to see one. I also struggle to sleep at night and have nightmares. I also have something therapeutic - my cat; I had a friend told me to get over it when I mentioned a stranger accusing me of being horrible to my cat and it upset me and stressed me out. She didn't care where I was coming from when I explained my cat helps with my trauma. I understand what you might be going through minus the surgery as I'm not going through that. Thank you for sharing your situation with us, I hope it gets better soon.

[smallwolf]

Hi Tom,

Firstly, it is OK to rant if it helps you to get things off your chest. And you do not need to apologise - this is a community space where we support each other, so there is no issue in listening to your story.

So sad to hear about your experience with the psychologist. And while (it is and) should be a safe place to talk, no matter how much anyone tells you this, if you have jumped back all those years in your mind, it does not help at all.I hope that you do not give up the search for a psychologist that you will be comfortable with, and can be open with.

Your wife sounds like she supports you and loves you very much. And is still with you, so has not abandoned you. I am still here also, even though this is a virtual space. And if you have grandchildren as well in your garden or home, they are not abandoned you either.

With that said, there may be years of pain and suffering to deal with. Allow yourself time to heal, taking one day at a time. It may take many re-telling of the story for you to move forward, and you actions to this date show a person with courage and strength, even it it does not seem like that to you.

Peace and comforting thoughts,

Tim