Overwhelmed and unsure

[Guest_8384]

My name is Amy, I am 25 years old and am a university student.

I have battled anxiety and depression since my childhood. I feel it's gotten worse after my late father became verbally/emotionally abusive towards me and I was betrayed by my older sister after she got married. She said vicious things about my mum and me to please her husband and in-laws, stole money from my mum, lied on multiple occasions and tried to turn us (me and mum) against each other. This betrayal affected me physically and emotionally for two to three years after I moved out with my mother. And it still does until now.

I reunited with my sister in February 2019 as she experienced domestic violence by her husband since the beginning of their marriage. I have tried to take things slowly with her by spending time with her and her one year old son. Yet she is frequently dishonest, makes excuses to avoid acknowledging her mistakes and neglecting her responsibilities as a mother. Whenever me or my mum confront her about her behaviour, she ignores us and pretends that we never spoke about it or complains that we are "upsetting her or trying to anger her".

There are days that I can't stand being with her in the same room and I have to say that "I am busy" or that "I am okay" to avoid any confrontations from her. I have tried to talk with my mum and closest friend about my feelings. Yet I feel that I have burdened them as I have been very overwhelmed and constantly complained to them about my anxiety and depression. I have told my mum on multiple occasions that I want to seek counselling to overcome my feelings yet she always tells me that "they can't help you or resolve your issues". She also tells me to not talk about it as she is already distressed about the situation and that so long as I pray that things will get better. I have frequently prayed everyday that my sister's behaviour would improve. But I'm beginning to lose hope that it will happen.

I have given up on talking to my mum and friends about my feelings. And I end up crying alone whilst I keep myself busy or when I'm sleeping.

For the past few weeks, the feelings have gotten worse and I don't know how to cope anymore.

[PamelaR]

Hi Amii

Welcome to our forum community. I know how exasperating living with PTSD, anxiety and depression is. I also know how manageable it is. While it takes time to recover and heal, I've found I still need to make sure I monitor what's happening and ensure my strategies are in place.

Those feelings you talk about sound very raw for you. It's okay to cry and to keep yourself busy to help you move through those emotions. Generally I've found talking with a health professional who is experienced with trauma and PTSD has helped me identify the cause of my feelings. Often they have given me tools to use to when I've been triggered. It's unfortunate your mum doesn't think it's a good idea to talk with a professional. I agree, they don't 'resolve (or fix)' what's happened to you. However, they may help you to resolve things yourself. They do this by explaining the different methods for managing PTSD and trauma.

I understand how you're feeling towards your sister. As I had issues with my older brother. That sense of betrayal you feel when they've lied and cheated. It's hard to deal with isn't it. It sounds though like you have let her back into your life but you both still retain an emotional detachment with one and another. I also get the sense that you feel responsible in some way for your sister's behaviour. Would that be a fair assessment? Or is it you'd like to see her be a nicer person so you can live along side of each other in a better relationship?

I know that feeling about not wanting to burden others with your anxiety and depression. I've lived with that for a very long time and I usually resort to going to my psychologist than talk with anyone close or even distant. What's helped me a lot has been to join the BB forums. It's worked wonders for me.

Feel free to browse and to join discussions that suit you.

Kind regards

PamelaR

[Guest_8384]

Hi Pamela,

Thanks for your reply.

To some extent, I do feel responsible as I know my choices will either: lead her to staying in her patterns or that she and her son continue to be abused by her husband and in-laws until it gets worse. So this makes me even more anxious about choosing the right words and actions to take to avoid her asking why I’ve been cold towards her: “Have I done something wrong?”, “Are you sure you’re okay?”. This results in her asking my mum about my detachment towards her. My mum has told her on multiple occasions that she needs to start proving herself if she wants me to begin to love her again.

The reason I reunited with her was because her relatives don’t care about what happens to her or my mum and me.

So we got back in touch to help her with finding a new place for herself and her son and supporting them emotionally. Part of me is hoping that her experience may encourage her to change her ways but I have a feeling it may take a long time for that to happen.

I do try to be thankful when she does small favours yet I am still doubtful about her true intentions. Sometimes she can be nice and other times she loses her temper quickly and it causes a lot of stress for us, resulting in her screaming at us and we’re obliged to ask her to leave when she visits us or hang up if we’re chatting over the phone. She rarely apologises when she treats us badly and acts like it never happened. And when she does apologise, she doesn’t always say it sincerely.

What also makes it difficult is that I’m taking epileptic medication as my seizures occur under severe stress or anxiety. So I don’t want to risk losing the relationship with her and my nephew. At the same time I don’t want to compromise my emotional/psychological wellbeing for the sake of making peace.

Much as I try to reason with myself and how I approach things, I don’t know if I’m reenact to wait for years until she changes.

Kindest regards,

Amii