I am not in danger, I'm not suicidal and I'm not going to/hurting myself. I just need to get this out and talk to someone who will actually recognise how serious this is.
I'm just having a really really really bad time and need to talk to someone but am nonverbal while it's going on, therefore can only talk online. Also can't video chat, i just can't deal with anything sensory right now. It's also why I have problems with grounding techniques. I'm not dissociating during flashbacks, and am extremely hyperaware/sensitive so being made to focus on more sensory information like smell/sound/breathing/another person is horrible.
The current issue is that I've recently had some things brought to light, and though I have had positive outcomes from them immediately, I think it's caused this current body (implicit) flashback. The main cause I can identify is that there's possibly been a build up subconsciously as I have believed that I am dealing with everything quite well, while actually not pursuing adequate responses/acknowledgement (from professionals and support network) and therefore unaware of just how much is being silenced. recent events have further pushed me to consciously ignore the reality of how I'm feeling, but it's too much.
I'm really worried at how bad I am feeling. It's like a huge spiral wasn't being acknowledged then went out of control. I'm feeling so horrible, shaking, nauseous and just so frantic but I don't know why except that the actual ordeal of the last few weeks has been minimised over and over- a running theme, my whole life- and i keep not saying or mentally accepting how bad I've been feeling. and I'm subconsciously feeling worse and worse until now it's just exploded. The last few weeks have been so bad, because I don't know how I'm supposed to process any of it and people are saying "take it easy " but have acted normally so i felt like I have had to do the same. Yet not a single person I've spoken to is behaving like they get how serious this has been.
I can't figure out why that bothers me. It's not anyone's fault or responsibility or obligation to have anything to do with this and I don't understand my feelings about that. I dont want sympathy or coddling, I hate being told to slow down. But I think that is because the physical/visible side isn't the issue and I feel like everything that's happened is being completely ignored. (1/2)
