Rape [Trigger Warning]

[Xxxxxx]

I think I was raped and I don’t know how to feel about it

[XharleeX]

I so understand your pain Rohnda and it's so hard to get out of that cycle. Especially by yourself!

I tried to hide that something had happened for so long as well. I didn't think it was related to my sleep for the same reason; it happened so long ago and I definitely did not want to bring it up with doctors because I didn't think it was relevant and it felt like such a big secret. It slipped out once before my big breakdown to a doctor and I started crying so he found a psych for me and I didn't even go. I don't even know why. Maybe I thought it wasn't bad enough to need to. I was in denial.

The way I understand it is that during the time it happens your brain finds a way to cope as a survival mechanism. This is when you go into freeze, flight or fight. Just after it happens you go into shock and sometimes doubt whether or not it happened. Then it gets repressed. Your mind keeps trying to hide the thoughts from you so every time a thought comes you push it away and pretend it's not there and ignore it the best you can. The only way for your mind to process it properly though is to think about it. I got given a flow chart in therapy where it shows a normal memory over time as in the beginning you might feel strongly but over time it's just a memory. Then it shows a person with ptsd where the memory can't be processed so IF you do think about it you get strong reactions despite it being so long ago and because the reactions are so strong you avoid processing them longer and it gets worse.

Also ptsd has a habit of looking like other mental health issues because most of the symptoms cross over with depression or anxiety. It's easy to think you just have depression or anxiety, not that they aren't bad too, but they should be treated differently. Ptsd responds REALLY WELL to talk therapy. Cpt (cognitive processing therapy) in particular. If you really challenge yourself you can start feeling better in only a few weeks but it's hard work so make sure your other commitments don't take up too much room because you need to devote time.

Were you ever depressed before the event happened? Because it's possible you don't have depression, just depression symptoms caused by the event. Once you can process your memories properly those symptoms may go away as well... Unless you do have depression as well. But you won't know that until after treatment.

It gets so much better and everything you are confused about can be explained.

[Rohnda]

No, I feel like I was so out going, never worried what people thought and just did what I wanted.

Now im forever worries about what ppl think of me, making people upset. I do whatever anyone asked even if I don’t want to, I’m addicted to weed and have a million other issues.

At the moment I’m so all over the place I go from feeling good to bad and anxious then sometimes I don’t feel at all. I just feel like a peace of shit.

Im so convinced it’s was my choice and I can’t shake it, but at the same time I’m cant figure out why I would let it happen.

I was 16 in another country to my home staying with my dads mum, step dad and my cousin and I had never met them in my life so I was already a little weird but I got along with them. They put me in the same room as my cousin to stay for the week.....

i feel bad for even off loading this onto you’s.

[XharleeX]

That's a really good sign! You won't be exactly the same person as you were before because everyone changes a bit from being a teenager but you can be outgoing and carefree again and you will also have bad days but so will everyone else.

I used to worry about that too. Before it happened I'd wear nice clothes that made me feel confident and good about myself but after what happened and because I kept getting catcalled I tried to seem as unattractive as possible because I thought it would take attention off my body. It didn't. I changed everything about how I looked and about my personality to try to fade into the background. I was house bound and anxious and also afraid of upsetting anyone.

After therapy I feel like myself again. I wear what I want and do what I want again and I didn't think it was possible but now I can go clubbing and strut my stuff and be confident that I am safe because I found out when I look confident some guys get intimidated and no longer see me as an easy target. It feels so empowering.

I've had a pretty terrible day too though and have been feeling very out of control. I've had anxiety attacks and panic attacks and I spent hours crying in a very public area of university. I went through waves of anxiety and feeling bad and then numb as well. Some of the time I convinced myself nothing was wrong and thought I was fine.

I'm celebrating the small things that were good about today. I didn't eat but I had a friend bring me banana bread and water I had another friend that pulled a tissue out of her bra and it was warm and felt so nice on my face. I'm so thankful for them and I'm glad I didn't stay in bed even though I wanted to. Did anything happen that made you a little happier as well?

You could try to write down your reasons to why you think it's your fault and how much do you believe it's true. If it's just a fact not opinion it could be 100% but if it's less you should write the arguments for the other side down too. Try to write at least 3 points against for each negative thought as it might help break the thought cycle.

You could write "it was my choice" as your thought and "I didn't choose to be put in the room" or "I had no safe place to go to" as reasons why you didn't get that choice.

Don't feel bad about off loading. It actually helps me feel less alone knowing that someone else is going through the same things. I want to be here to listen and I'm so proud of you for speaking out.

[Rohnda]

The last couple of days I have been forgetting conversations and other things 😞

I remembered some things last night, not even about what had happened but about the house and when I first got there, I then freaked out and had to leave my house to go see my friend. I have never felt anything like the way I did last night in my life, I lost control of myself and couldn’t sit still I was crying and couldn’t talk, I felt like I was shaking and cold. I feel bad because I just left my partner at home and went to my friends house because I couldn’t let him see me break but at the same time I should trust him. I told her what happened, the first time in 8 years I have told anyone.

It came is waves of feelings, one min I was feeling out of control and couldn’t hold myself togeather like I couldn’t control my body then the nex min I was able to calm myself but only when thoughts that it didn’t happened came into my head, but then it would come back and I couldn’t handle it.

I think I scared her the way I acted she didn’t know how to handle me or what to say, I feel like it’s helped me but I feel like I’m still numb. It comes in waves.

How do I tell my partner? we have a daughter and have been togeather for 7 years and I have never told him, last night I asked if he thinks it’s normal for me to be sent to NZ at 16 and stay with family I have never met in my life, he was surprised I have never told him that and I didn’t realise I never told him that. I feel like I have been fake or lieing to him, what if my world falls apart even more because once I tell him it won’t ever be the same.

[BDSA]

Hi Rohnda,

I'm sorry to hear you've gone through such a horrible thing. Please do not feel like you should have felt this before, when it happened, and not years later.

I have a friend who went through this as well and she completely blocked it out and only remembered about it years later, during therapy as well.

Regarding telling your husband, you mentioned that you were able to "tell" your therapist by having him read your journal, how about do a similar thing with your husband? Write him a letter, exposing as little or as much as you feel comfortable and want to. That way you'll have time to process and organise your thoughts and he'll have time to process the information there as well.

If you know ways that your friend and husband could support you, it would be good to tell them as well, that way whenever you go through an episode of not being able to control your emotions, they'll know what to do to help you.

I'd also suggest looking for a support group, talking to people who have/are going through the same thing as you can be really helpful.

It's terrible knowing that others have gone through the same thing as you have, but comforting as well, in the fact that there are others who understand exactly what you're going through.

And if you're feeling up to it, please share how you're doing.