PTSD or grief?

[Antjam82]

On NYE my teenaged son and his best friend went swimming in the river by our property, they were in for less than 5 min when I heard screams of help. Our sons friend was struggling to keep his head above water. They were both screaming help. My husband and I raced down to help, our son tried desperately to drag his friend to shore but started going under himself, he barely made it out, we saw his friend drop like a stone and as soon as we reached the river we jumped in to get him but we couldn't find him in the murky water. We tried so hard.

Community members came running. People in boats, kayaks, jet skis, swimmers who had been swimming there all day, everyone searching desperately.

Police were called and Police divers tried to find him. They had all the gear and were looking right where he was but he wasn't found until the police boat with sonar arrived the next day. Right where he went down. 7m deep. I just can't comprehend that we were right there and he was right there, we tried so hard and we couldn't find him. We were so close but we couldn't save him.

I know it's only been a few days but we've been through loss before including young people in tragic circumstances, but nothing this traumatic. I know grief takes time. I know it's hard. But this is brutal.

The waves of devastation at the fact he was an amazing kind wonderful 15 yr old boy with his whole life ahead of him and the thought of what his mother and father and siblings are going through is horrific but that feels like normal grief to me. The fact it could have been my son instead or as well is a gut punch but it feels normal that I should feel that way.

I keep having flashbacks. I keep hearing him screaming help. I keep seeing him disappear below the water. I keep feeling the water close around me as I dove in desperately grasping for him and finding nothing but water. I can't sleep. Nightmares wake me constantly. Sometimes from my perspective sometimes from his. This doesn't feel normal.

My husband and our son are devastated but seem to be processing it. Our son and another friend took kayaks back to the spot where it happened yesterday to share a quiet moment. My husband went with them. It was a desperately sad moment but they did it and seemed to be the better for it. I couldn't go.
Just not coping at all.

[Summer Rose]

Hi Antjam82

Welcome to the bb forum.

Your NYE experience is absolutely heartbreaking. I am so very sorry for the loss of your son’s friend and for the trauma you and your family have experienced.

I think you are right to be concerned about how you are currently feeling. I am not a doctor, so cannot say if you are experiencing grief or PTSD. What I can say, based on my personal life experience, is that I think it would be a good idea to go and chat with your GP.

I would book a double appointment to ensure you have enough time to really talk. Your GP will be able to advise you on the appropriate next steps and will guide you to the right type of mental health support. This could be a grief counsellor or psychologist or something different.

Please know that you are incredibly brave. To be able to respond the way you did took a certain “something” that not everyone has. I think you are an amazing human being.

I can certainly empathise with your torment and grief that you were unable to save the boy. Please know that this was not your fault. It was a horrible accident. A tragedy. An inexplicable event beyond your control.

If you can’t sleep at night and need to talk, please try calling the bb support line on 1300 22 4636. Or post here, anytime. I cannot guarantee you will get an immediate response but I know there are many kind and caring members of this community that will do their best to support you.

Kind thoughts to you

[Chuloo]

Hi Antjam82.

1. I know your post was many months ago. I hope you don't mind me asking, I just wanted to check how you are feeling and coping? 

[Antjam82]

I made a dr appointment soon after my post, stated outright I wanted a double appointment and it was for a mental health plan. Got there and sobbed through the story, and the dr was very sympathetic and told me I would have to book another. Appointment, to get a mental health plan. I said that's what this is supposed to be. They said no, I needed to book another. 
It took every bit of emotional strength I had to get myself there that day and was devastated that it was essentially pointless and haven't been back. All there months later I can't bring myself to go back in there. 
The nightmares and flashbacks are still a daily occurrence. It's quite regular that it'll hit me driving to work, or driving the kids to school, particularly if I hear a siren, and I'll have to pull over and just sob. The hours I've spent in the bathroom at work sobbing is out of control. I can't keep doing this.