PTSD from mum's cancer and brother's betrayal

[David35]

I've been experiencing intense panic/rage attacks lately. A few weeks ago I punched a door. I thought this was the end of it. Then again today. I have this anger built up over issues that have occurred in the past few years which I'll describe now.

Mum had cancer treatment for several years and in that time my brother, his wife and family stopped associating with mum and I. So I was not only dealing with the situation of mum's illness, but the betrayal. The problem is now that mum is better, I find that I can't talk or listen to certain topics, or else I go into a rage. It just gets too much. Illness, my brother's wife and her treatment of us have both deeply traumatised me. How can I deal with this? I get counselling, but whereas I've tried to compartmentalise it, mum keeps dragging up these uncomfortable feelings. I have very low tolerance and can't cope with too much stress

[David35]

Yep, I'm hearing you. The behaviour is very familiar. Some people you can never please and my sister in law is one of them. No sooner do they buy something, they need something else. It's never-ending. Mum was just the ATM servicing their endless wants (not needs). The hard part is she feels used because she gave them so much out of love, yet in a way, the more she gave them and felt she was helping them, the more they felt entitled to ask for me. And the more hers/my generosity was taken for granted. At one stage my brother called mum incredibly selfish because she wouldn't pay for a $10k mountain bike for him. When the flow of financial help stopped, so did the relationship, also coinciding with mum's cancer diagnosis, so they timed things well.
The other month I confronted my brother over his coldness and he said I have no comprehension of what stress he's been under, especially since her mum died. I think he's trying to hold his marriage together and can't be seen to be "caring" about us. Sad but I think it's true.

[therising]

Such a powerful post Eagle Ray. You're such a beautiful, inspiring and supportive person ❤️

[Eagle Ray]

Hi David and The Rising,

Thank you the Rising, you are always so kind and thoughtful too in the effort you put into supporting others 🙏❤️

David, it sounds like your brother has a sense of entitlement. My mother's younger brother was like that and expected their mother (my nanna) to write him a cheque every week simply because he believed he was entitled to money even though he had a full-time job (this is years ago when she was still alive). One day my dad was visiting my nanna and they were going to see my mum's younger brother. My nanna said to my dad she didn't want to give him the cheque. My dad told her she didn't have to if she didn't want to. So they went to my mum's younger brother's place without the money. The first thing he said angrily when she didn't immediately have a cheque to hand over was, "Where's my cheque?". He really thought it was his mother's role in life to just give him money for nothing and she hadn't been strong enough up to that point to say no to him. My mum did not receive nor expect weekly cheques, but her younger brother, who categorically fits the description of narcissistic personality disorder, did. I'm not saying your brother has NPD because I don't know him, but it is very entitled to think that a parent owes him money for something expensive he wants.

It may be a lost cause confronting him and possibly easier just to focus on taking care of your own needs and those of your mum. There is part of me that wants to confront my brother about things, but I expect it won't improve his behaviour or the situation and certainly it would be pointless confronting his volatile partner. Sometimes just walking away and quietly getting on with your own life is the best thing you can do. I know people like Dr Ramani talk about it not being worth confronting narcissists about their behaviour. It almost always escalates the situation in ways that can lead to more harm. One thing you can do is what's called the 'grey rock' method. This means basically only giving them minimal information and engagement and not giving any emotional reactions to their words and behaviours, because they will twist and use those emotional reactions against you. So you are just protecting your boundaries and practising minimal engagement.

There is probably some grief involved for you too as it is hard when a sibling is not supportive while also acting entitled. It's like a disillusioning reality and his partner has probably been a primary factor in his behaviour becoming more and more like that. I know I have gone through a lot of grief realising the reality of what my brother is like, but also how he has become manipulated by his partner. He actually does have a good heart in there somewhere, and there is likely the same in your brother, but it's like they've compromised themselves in order to please their partner and maintain their dysfunctional relationship. It's terribly sad, but at the end of the day know that you can feel grateful for being you and you are not like them! People who feel entitled all the time are never satisfied and I think live in daily frustration of always wanting more and getting irritated when they don't get what they want.

I am still working on how to handle things with my brother and have definitely wondered if the healthiest thing is for me to cut ties all together, but it would also be sad. I only see him in person about twice a year now. It's like he has some narcissistic traits but is not a full blown narcissist, and does show some kindness and consideration too some of the time, but I find him very unclear and inconsistent and he can quickly turn unpleasant at times, usually when his emotional avoidance issues get triggered. It is not an easy situation to navigate and I really understand it is a lot emotionally to come to terms with. But I think self-care is paramount so always consider that first and really look after yourself. It's taken me most of my life up till now to really learn that self-care as a priority is essential.

Take good care,

ER

[David35]

I've tried confronting him over. He just bullies you as some sort of emotional defence. He became the spokesperson for her demands. The hot and cold personality of my brother is something familiar to me. Some days he's kind, other days he's a smart arse. I think it depends how much soul searching he's done on any particular day. Trying to contain a dysfunctional relationship can't be easy. Unfortunately, a lot of these problems are kept secret from us, which has confused us moreso over the years. It's hard when you have to be careful about giving to a loved one, or their spouse, because you're scared they'll expect even more next time.

The hardest part I've had to come to terms with is that they (mainly my sister in law) don't relate to others on an emotional/personal level like you and I do. It's purely transactional.
I've said to mum for a long time that there are two types of people in this world. Those who say "What can I do for you?" and those who say to themselves "What you can do for me?" Unfortunately, it's taken me a long time to realise she falls into the latter category. The reason we've been shut out of their lives, is that we no longer provide a financial benefit to them.

[Eagle Ray]

I very much relate to coming to terms with the reality of someone being entirely transactional in how they relate rather than emotional/personal. I think the best you can do is hold to your own values and be nourished by the fact that you care about the emotional and personal. It is a much more enriching way to live life. I find it helpful to keep being around those who share similar values and where there is warmth and kindness.  I think that allows you to feel more expansive, whereas the energy of people solely focused on transaction and personal gain is very constrictive. Over time I came to realise my brother’s partner is competitive by nature and has a divide and conquer approach. It leaves you with a very alienating feeling. So I try not to take on that disturbed energy. It’s a very long time now since I’ve been in the same room as her, but it always felt cold and constrictive, like my body was telling me something is wrong. I know I don’t want that kind of energy infiltrating my world so I’m choosing to be around those where there is expansive, interpersonal open-heartedness instead. However, I also think that over time you can evolve your own inner peace to a point where you can be around such people for a time and maintain your own inner balance. I’m trying to reach that point and on a good day feel I can handle challenging people. Other days I need to hunker down and stay away from them.

Anyway, I hope there is a way through David where your brother opens up more in a kind way more often and you might be able to maintain something of a meaningful brotherly connection. I do understand how it is tricky and probably like me you may be cautious what you disclose to him now because of information going back to his partner and how that info might be used. I never expected to get to a point where I would feel like I have to be so guarded with what I share with my brother. This issue never came up when he had other partners. But I feel it is important to trust your intuition.

 I find I spend less and less time now thinking about whatever is going on with my brother and his partner and focus in on what matters to me and my happiness. It is a good feeling to let go in that way. I get the sense that it can be when we let go that things start to sort themselves out for the better. Others are left to take responsibility for themselves and we can get on with what we need to do for ourselves.

 I wish for you healing and peace going forward 🙏

[David35]

Yep, they're both grown adults.  I have much the same feelings and approach here. I can't fix their problems. Attempting to use mum's money to fix them just highlighted how shallow they were.