PTSD from mum's cancer and brother's betrayal

[David35]

I've been experiencing intense panic/rage attacks lately. A few weeks ago I punched a door. I thought this was the end of it. Then again today. I have this anger built up over issues that have occurred in the past few years which I'll describe now.

Mum had cancer treatment for several years and in that time my brother, his wife and family stopped associating with mum and I. So I was not only dealing with the situation of mum's illness, but the betrayal. The problem is now that mum is better, I find that I can't talk or listen to certain topics, or else I go into a rage. It just gets too much. Illness, my brother's wife and her treatment of us have both deeply traumatised me. How can I deal with this? I get counselling, but whereas I've tried to compartmentalise it, mum keeps dragging up these uncomfortable feelings. I have very low tolerance and can't cope with too much stress

[Serenity22]

David,

everything you say makes perfect sense and even though I’m not there, physically. In every way I’m right there having your back. You sound like you handle your life, and manage your mother’s health and subsequent moods better than most men, for sure. There’s definitely jealousy from him. You’re all over the psychology behind it. I know it doesn’t make it any easier. But.. occasionally I’ve found it does. 

Reminding myself that a certain person who is causing me rage/sadness etc is mentally Ill, helps ease the rage somewhat. Almost like… if a small child comes up and punches me, I won’t have the same feelings if it was an adult. Your brother having untreated ego or jealousy issues could be labelled as some form of neurosis. I don’t say this as if you feel superior than them, and you feel better.. although, reminding myself of that might help. 

like me, you are single.. so where your brother has that person to immediately vent to… you don’t… so I don’t know about you…. But I’ve found I need this forum as a means of feeling like I’ve got someone in my corner. 

Your Bermuda Triangle reference was gold. I get it. 🙂

[Eagle Ray]

Dear David,

I'm glad your mum supports you in your woodworking and it shows she cares and wants you to be happy, even if her behaviours at times do not make you happy. It sounds like it would help your mum to find something herself that absorbs her and takes her focus away from dwelling on family issues. But of course, again, it really is her responsibility to find that for herself, not your responsibility. At least by doing your thing, over time maybe she will start thinking more about what she can do for herself, emotionally and practically.

Yes, there does seem that similarity between your brother and mine. It is so easy for them to "advise" what we "should" be doing when they are not doing the actual care work themselves. My brother and his partner have no idea to this day what I went through caring for mum and continue to make judgements about me and my life when they have zero understanding of my experiences. Essentially I've come to psychically cut them loose, so to speak. Let them wallow in whatever judgements they have and I just get on with my life. I think there is something quite therapeutic about making that psychic separation. I find even visualising it helps, like just now I imagined them on a kind floating island in their separate world floating away from me. I then feel actual relief in my body and more peaceful.

My brother is controlled by his partner too. He is also extremely emotionally avoidant so would never actually seriously look at the fact that that control is happening or what it means for him or his relationships with others. I've seen her speak to him in very demeaning ways that no one should be tolerating in a relationship, and then that bad energy gets absorbed by him and at times he has directed the same disdainful energy towards me. It's been pretty hurtful. But I had a really good person on a helpline a few months back where I was talking about the ambivalent feelings I had towards my brother because of these behaviours. She said, "you know that's no your brother's heart" and I found that helpful and to be true. My brother is not a bad person but is being manipulated and isn't strong enough to evolve away from that. It sounds it may be similar with your brother where you mention him reconnecting with you and your mum, and that some of the things he's said may not be his own thoughts. I think just knowing that can be helpful and make things a bit less hurtful.

You are a very kind and compassionate person David. I hope you can find a path that gives you the greatest freedom and happiness in life. It is definitely a balancing act being a carer, being there for the loved one but making sure your needs are met as well. Sending you much support and know that you are a worthy, strong, good human being.

Kind thoughts,

Eagle Ray

[David35]

Eagle Ray

Nothing is impossible for those who don't have to do it. It's hard to accept what things are actually in your control.

There's 2 versions of my bro. One in his wife's company and without her. The latter is the genuine, person. The former one tends to criticise,  almost feel embarrassed that mum and I are on pensions. Lately he's been reverting back to his old values with mum and I, because although some people might be full of charisma, they're also full of crap. We're trying to leave the door open so to speak for his soul to re-enter our house...

[David35]

Another one I came up with today. My bros flame may have been blown out (his principles) by his wife and her pretentious family, but the pilot light is still burning, just...

[Eagle Ray]

David, both of those descriptions are brilliant - trying to leave the door open so his soul can re-enter the house and seeing that the pilot light is still on - just.

You have really helped me with those descriptions because I can see the pilot light just still burning in my brother too. It is like wanting light and connection to win out over darkness and separation.

You and your mum are your brother’s family of origin and I’m sure significant to him despite what some of his behaviours have been like. But as you pointed out earlier it’s like he got sucked into the Bermuda Triangle. My brother is stuck there too!

Your brother my well feel conflicted between the world of his partner and his connection with you and your mum. His partner probably has her opinions and he would also have his heart and conscience. I think all we can do is as you suggest, just leave the door open enough that we are not closing our heart to them. But also taking care of ourselves as a priority and disconnecting from any behaviour that may arise that’s unkind or judgmental. I think sometimes when they realise they might lose you if they treat you unkindly they lift their game a bit.

I will never close my heart to my brother, but I will disconnect from being around him if he behaves in unkind ways. I have actually started doing that and I think it's working. Instead of sending me demeaning messages he now actually texts or rings to communicate in a more positive way.

Take care David and I hope things pan out well. You are definitely perceptive and insightful and that will help you through. Keep us posted on how things are going if it helps you to do so.

All the best,

ER

[David35]

Thanks. My brother is the same. He's normal in a one-on-one phone call, mostly. But in her company he's forced to be someone he's not. I think he's trapped in a marriage he can't get out of.
The only problem now is to try and repair the relationship between mum and I because my emotional/mental state has taken a toll on her. Now I get panic attacks just being in her company because I was so used to listening about the cancer treatment. It's hard trying to reconnect. I need my space, but she just doesn't get it some days.

[David35]

Another realisation I came to after much heated debate with mum is that we've both been the inadvertent victims of a narcissist (my brother's wife). My anger stems from being so easily manipulated and naive to the fact. They've literally been waiting for mum to fall of the perch so they can get access to mum's money. Only she didn't. Being naive to their intentions is something I find hard to forgive myself for but know that I need to stop this vicious cycle of shame I'm in at the moment. Anyway, thanks for your support.

[Eagle Ray]

Dear David,

Please don't feel shame in relation to not picking up on things with your brother's wife. If she is a narcissist one thing they can be very good at is performing a role that can be convincing for a time that they are a normal, balanced person. It actually shows your good character that you didn't think the worst but most likely assumed her to be a better or non-narcissistic person. Many of us, myself included, have not picked up on things with people. I have found when I've had a realisation about someone later I think back to when I first met them. Often then I can see in retrospect that something was up, such as they lacked warmth or seemed calculating, but at the time I somehow suppressed that from consciousness. When you are a straight forward person yourself you want to think the best of people.

There are some online resources on YouTube that offer some insight into narcissistic behaviour and how to handle it. I've found Meredith Miller and Dr Ramani helpful. But I would say also don't spend all your time going into that as it can get a bit oppressive looking into narcissism all the time and can become a rabbit hole. It's good to get educated about it but you also want to be able to live your life now and not be overburdened by whatever your brother's wife may be up to. Also, is it something you could bring up with your therapist? They may have some thoughts on handling the situation.

I know it is very disillusioning when you realise certain things about people. I am learning to trust how my body responds to people and if I get an uneasy feeling in their presence I now really listen to it rather than overriding it with my 'rational' brain. I find the body speaks to us and picks up on things and becoming attuned to that can be really helpful. I just wanted to let you know you shouldn't feel naive or shameful about not picking up on certain things. You are a good human and as such you aren't thinking like a narcissist, so you are not going to assume it of other people. There will be strategies going forward for handling things. I am finding as I get stronger in myself and more aligned with my intuition narcissistic people have less impact.

Take care David. You are a good person and you can be proud of that.

ER

[David35]

Les Carter has some good youtube videos too. I've talked about it with my therapist to try and understand why we've been sidelined. My understanding is that it's simply because we provide no benefit (financial) to her anymore. So there's no point in "investing" in her friendship with us. Cold but true. I said that I didn't understand why she seems to resent us so much lately. My therapist said that it's not me that she hates, it's the power in handling financial decisions with mum's super and preventing my sister-in-law from getting access to it. It's the fact that I apparently stand in the way of mum's life savings. It all adds up. The pressure to downsize the house, so the proceeds can go somewhat to her, the smart-arse comments from my brother every time we did a home improvement/maintenance, the constant undermining of other financial decisions. They both saw us as easy targets once dad died and expected to charm their way to mum's wallet. But it didn't happen. And their retaliation is really their baseline personality. Cold, calculating and extremely manipulative. Not so much my brother because I think he's been "groomed". It feels like I've lost a friend, but she was never a friend, just an overly charismatic and deceitful user. My only consolation is that none of this was our fault.

[Eagle Ray]

Hi David,

Yes, I've watched a few of Les Carter's videos too which are also very helpful at identifying narcissistic behaviours. There was one on the things narcissists will definitely not do, which is take responsibility for their actions, and he also looked at how they don't have a well-developed value system, so there is a lack of values driving their behaviour. Instead everything is about controlling situations for self-benefit. It is very disillusioning and disturbing coming across this behaviour isn't it. What your therapist said makes sense. Your SIL is not hating you but can't stand not having control. My brother's partner is the same. She absolutely loses it if she feels she can't completely control a situation to serve her wishes and interests. A very early red flag was when I was with them and another friend at dinner. We were all content where we were sitting, except for her. Although the rest of us said we were happy where we were she wanted to be at a different table. So a couple of minutes later when our food had just come out she commanded, "That's it, we're moving" and just picked up her food and went to another table, coming back to pick up our things too. I just remember my brother saying, "Are we?", kind of shocked at the sudden command. But he has just adapted to her demanding ways. Since then her controlling behaviours have come up constantly and over far more serious matters. Much as you describe for your brother, I feel like my brother as been "groomed" because she has found someone she can make compliant. I refuse to be compliant or have anything to do with her now. I made attempts in the past with her to be friendly or start a conversation and I would just get a cold, abrupt one sentence answer, she'd turn away and showed no interest in human connection. It is like there is zero connection from her heart. I tried to understand it for some time as maybe a form of social anxiety, maybe she was just reserved etc etc. But eventually, as the abusive behaviours got more and more severe, I realised there is just coldness.

I really feel for you David because I know it is painful and upsetting, especially when you don't anticipate that people can be manipulating and controlling in these ways, which you would not because you would not do these behaviours. I 100% agree with you, nothing is your fault and you have done nothing wrong. One of the worst things about narcissists is the gaslighting they can employ to try to make us feel that we are somehow bad or wrong in some way. The best antidote to this I am learning is to just know you are already a better person than they are and a good person, and just let their petty judgements, control freak tantrums etc fall away. I think the more secure you are in yourself the harder it is for them to get at you. If they can't control you they will find someone else to control, in that they are always in search for that narcissistic supply. Your brother may one day wake up to things and own the reality of the situation, or he may not, but it isn't something you can control. I have had to let go of my brother in a way knowing he is in a messed up relationship, but he has to take responsibility for his own situation and face the consequences of his choices.

I would say focus on taking care of you and your mum and enjoying your own life. It is like sometimes it is necessary to psychically separate from those who have damaging, controlling or stressful behaviours. Deal with them when you have to but release yourself from their energy when you don't. I sometimes imagine such people as like a hysterical witch in a fairytale kind of going mad and then melting down to nothing, into just a puddle on the ground. Kind of just let them dissolve. In a somatic exercise I did with my therapist, my brother's partner literally just turned into a hologram then dissolved completely. My imagination just produced that on its own, not my conscious mind, so a deeper part of me knew to just dissolve their presence in my consciousness. You have the power and capacity to manage David and you have the innate goodness and wisdom that will pull you through. Keep in contact with good people who can be a grounding influence and that can give you more strength too. I think when in the presence of grounded people we absorb some of that and feel fortified and stronger in ourselves. I think it is all about balance and just keeping ourselves in balance, so when we encounter destabilised people we kind of hold our own steadiness in the face of their instability. Your therapist sounds good and able to help you clarify your situation. Take care and sending you best wishes, ER