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PTSD and trauma

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A_Tech PTSD for Medical and First Responders
  • replies: 276

Hi, Well obviously this my situation. I was hoping to find others here that might have a similar background to chat with, it can be so hard to talk about this stuff with non-med people (and I mean no disrespect, it's just often graffic or upsetting t... View more

Hi, Well obviously this my situation. I was hoping to find others here that might have a similar background to chat with, it can be so hard to talk about this stuff with non-med people (and I mean no disrespect, it's just often graffic or upsetting to others). Im a 40 year old female that has spent the last 10years in the State Trauma Hospital as an Anaesthetic Technician. My PTSD was brought about after years of exposure to shocking traumas, deaths, and no support from management. I would love to hear from anyone that has a similar story, or just wants to chat. Cheers

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plasticinehouse I feel like everything I do to try and take control of this just slaps me in the face.
  • replies: 3

There's been too many things happen, but atm it's that I wanted to get a tattoo. I always thought I could never get one. I dont know what changed, I think I am still desperately trying to take control of my body. If I blur my eyes, I still think a ta... View more

There's been too many things happen, but atm it's that I wanted to get a tattoo. I always thought I could never get one. I dont know what changed, I think I am still desperately trying to take control of my body. If I blur my eyes, I still think a tattoo is cool. Its just not what I wanted. Why did I even think I had to agree to something I dont like? I wanted to trust her cos shes the artist. I felt pushed to go with this as the best option, rather than redrawing, or even just leaving (she had my deposit). Thinking I should just go with it is not a good way to make such a permanent decision Looking at other tattoos - these ones have faces that arent as big and detailed as what she did. And that's what I wanted. Im so upset. How did i go thru so much therapy, so much learning to assert boundaries and forget all of it in the blink of an eye? Not just the SA, but a guy also pretended to be there for me through court, when rly he was just faking it to get what he wnte. It broke me further, made me feel really exposed adn used and all over again made me hate looking at my body if he didnt even want me and made me expose myself for fake friends. He latched onto so many things that were getting me through the pandemic, including Zelda.Getting it was trying to reclaim my interests too. I havent been able to play it all year because it reminds me of him, even tho I wanted to go back to it in 2022. I know its cute, just not what I wanted. I wanted him to have an angsty expression (ALL my refs did. I hate the heart. It doesn't feel me at ALL. I hate the bottom bit the most. Why did that even need to be there? I wanted something simple, that bit feels unecesary. If she's goi g to copy something, why not go for one of the pics I sent? Instead she copied something completely different instead of making her own design of him. I tried to ask without the heart. She said he had to be contained in something due to the size. After that I got too afraid to ask for more changes, the way she justified felt like she would have reasons for everything. idk what to do anymore. I was trying to own it, have something cool on my body. It didnt work.

phatboislim68 Hi I’m new here! Dealing with life the best way I can.
  • replies: 2

Hi I’m new here. Suffer from CPTSD from DV. Anxiety and depression.I am in a good place right now. Probably the best I’ve been in many many years.So why am I here then? Well I had gastric bypass surgery I was nearly 200 kgs, 19 months ago and I lost ... View more

Hi I’m new here. Suffer from CPTSD from DV. Anxiety and depression.I am in a good place right now. Probably the best I’ve been in many many years.So why am I here then? Well I had gastric bypass surgery I was nearly 200 kgs, 19 months ago and I lost a lot of weight about 80kgs. 13 months after I had the gastric bypass surgery I had a perforated bowel that nearly ended things for me. I was give a 1 in 3 chance of survival and I spent 9 days in hospital and 4 and a half months of work recovering. But one thing has changed I feels angry a lot of the time, I snap at my loved one’s when I don’t mean to.When I started back at work this anger found me standing up to people I couldn’t ever before, people who were bullying me, and belittling me. I am not comfortable with this and I don’t understand why am I so angry with what happened to me and how do I deal with this moving forward. Should I be talking to my GP?

lilykitten Feeling dead inside today
  • replies: 1

I'm a single mum (secondary school teacher) and carer for an 18 yr old autistic daughter and 87 yr old mother. I'm generally a glass half full type of person but days like this are so disappointing.I had given everyone prior notice it was going to be... View more

I'm a single mum (secondary school teacher) and carer for an 18 yr old autistic daughter and 87 yr old mother. I'm generally a glass half full type of person but days like this are so disappointing.I had given everyone prior notice it was going to be a stinking hot day and I wasn't going to leave the house. At 7 my daughter jumped on my bed wanting her daily drive to Maccas (over an hours round trip). i pointed out it was not in the plan but she retorted it was still early and hadnt got hot yet. By the time I was dressed, had breakfast and watered the garden it was 8am. Mum said she fancied walking down the street for breakfast and would I pick her up so I said if she goes now I could pick her up on my way home from maccas but she said she wasn't dressed yet. I commented it would be too hot later and she was upset. When I got back mum was insistent I fix the backdoor or the dog would escape. By the time I had finished this my daughter who is changing medications was very heightened and demanded another trip to Maccas because she was "Hangry". I compromised and said I would take her for a quick local ride but she continued to get even more heightened on the drive and almost killed us both grabbing the steering wheel and pulling my head below the dash by my hair as I was driving home because I refused to take her to Maccas again. on getting home what followed was 2 hours of threats and hysterics in my face and pinning me down so I couldnt get away from her because she wasnt getting her way. Eventually she calmed down after I gave her $50 I dont have for an online game. Then mum wanted to know what time I was taking her to the wine bar. I explained we were not going because it was too hot. She expressed her disappointment then started giving me jobs to water the garden. I explained it was to hot to lug the hoses around at 3pm and offered to do it later. To do it properly it will take hours. So in between all these demands I just sit there, smoke cigarettes and eat junk just waiting for my next assignment.

NKL__ How do I believe in myself?
  • replies: 1

My name is Nat, I'm 29 years old and up until this last year, my entire life has been a constant repetition of trauma and abuse.I have seen my mum overdose on heroin more times than I can count, I've visited her in hospital when she went on a binge s... View more

My name is Nat, I'm 29 years old and up until this last year, my entire life has been a constant repetition of trauma and abuse.I have seen my mum overdose on heroin more times than I can count, I've visited her in hospital when she went on a binge so much that she almost lost her legs, her kidney function, her life. When she drank it was different, it was violent. She's abused me, my sister, strangers passing us by, I've seen her try to kill herself in front of us, the list goes on.I've had to undress her from homemade diapers and bathe her because she didn't want to get up to go to the toilet anymore, taken her to court appointments for when she's attacked people in streets and more recently spent two years by her side when she was in a psych ward from drug induced psychosis after trying to kill her neighbours. I would call her doctors on my lunch break to work out her treatment and rehab plans, visit her every weekend and clean out her house so she had a real home to come back to and within 6 months she started drinking and doing drugs. It broke me and I knew it was time to take space from her so I could focus on giving myself the same love, care and effort I was giving her.To add to the list of traumas, I've been drugged and raped twice and both times were away with friends, they knew what happened when they found me but I couldn't bring myself to say it out loud, none of them wanted to address it and ruin their holiday so we acted like it never happened.I feel like everything has worn me down so much that I don't have anything left to give in this life. I try to practice mindfulness, awareness and gratitude. I do affirmations, meditate and have gone to therapy when I can afford it but whenever I do anything good for my self I can feel this deep seeded belief that things won't work out for me and I am always walking around with this sense of doom and insecurity. I can't go anywhere or do anything when I'm alone, I completely shut off and dissociate watching days go by and thinking nothing of it. I don't know how to make myself believe that I can get better, I am doing all the things to help but I know none of it will work unless I truly believe happiness and positive change will happen and I can't.How do I start believing in myself?

Immy-95 Self-discovery after trauma
  • replies: 1

Hi everyone, I have lost my identity and direction in my life. I have suffered through many traumas which have destroyed my sense of self and thus, I am 'lost' in my own life. I have forgotten what I am good at, what my dreams are, what my goals are,... View more

Hi everyone, I have lost my identity and direction in my life. I have suffered through many traumas which have destroyed my sense of self and thus, I am 'lost' in my own life. I have forgotten what I am good at, what my dreams are, what my goals are, and who I really am. I would love and appreciate advice as I am really struggling.

44Max44 I think I've realized why I have such a hard time with friends and relationships
  • replies: 2

For a long time now I've had a lot of trouble with relationships, whether that be with friends, family, romantic partners, or whatever else. I never really knew why this was the case, but after a bit of thinking the other day, I think I know why this... View more

For a long time now I've had a lot of trouble with relationships, whether that be with friends, family, romantic partners, or whatever else. I never really knew why this was the case, but after a bit of thinking the other day, I think I know why this is the case, or at least part of the reason it's the case.As a kid I had 3 best friends (all at different points in time), I never really had big friend groups, I would just have 1 main friend that I put all of my time and effort into. I realized that all 3 ended badly and quite suddenly, all for stupid reasons.With the first, one day we were playing the N64 and I accidentally spilled a drink, which spilled onto some of his Pokemon cards and ruined them. When he saw this, he started screaming and crying and said "I hate you, I never want to see you again" and at that point I was crying and just waited for my Mum to pick me up. I never saw him again. He was my best friend for years, and we fell out over a dumb accident.My next best friend pretty much threw me under the bus. One day, my friend's older brother came home early from work, and saw that his xbox controller joysticks had been chewed up. I wasn't me, it was all my friend, but he immediately threw me under the bus and blamed me for doing it. His older brother then started yelling at me and scared the shit out of me, and that traumatized me, so I never saw that friend again after that either (not that I wanted to, you never throw your friends under the bus).With my third best friend, one day we had a disagreement, I won't say what about because I am already nearing the character limit, but it was a stupid disagreement and we stopped hanging out after that.Anyways,This is why I think I don't even bother with relationships now. As a child I was conditioned to think that all relationships would inevitably end for little to no reason, so "what's the point in putting any effort into them at all?". I lost 3 best friends that I put my heart and soul into, all over trivial things. My parents also divorced when I was quite young, and my older brother had a new girlfriend pretty much every other month (so I never even bothered to get to know any of them). Both of those things probably just further cemented that mindset into me. Anyways, I'm not looking to get any advice out of this post really, I just wanted to speak my mind.

Frisk Not sure what to think of my father
  • replies: 2

Little S/H warning Honestly my father has hit my in the past but I only remember 2 times he’s done it he once kicked my in the leg just for looking for some swimmers and the other time he punched my in the stomach so hard I passed out. He frequently ... View more

Little S/H warning Honestly my father has hit my in the past but I only remember 2 times he’s done it he once kicked my in the leg just for looking for some swimmers and the other time he punched my in the stomach so hard I passed out. He frequently yells insults at me and belittling me for random things sometimes and I don’t understand why. Like if a door accidentally slams shut I starts to panic thinking he’s going to yell at me again because he doesn't like slamming doors but when he’s angry at me he yells at me then after he finishes he slams the door behind him and it makes me shake a little. Another time he knew I s/h and one day I made him made for some reason that day but I started looking for something I don’t know what but he was yelling at me before I was looking for something and he yells and insult at me that made me tear up a little and I started to walk away he then screamed “Yeah go f!@#ing S/H” Well something around those lines but then after he apologised saying he shouldn’t have said that and that he was sorry but I just nodded and said it’s fine when really I never forgave him because h encouraged my s/h issue and didn’t get me the help I needed. He even tells me to control my anger when he’s the one with the anger problem. I always get so scared that sometimes when I see him coming towards me I think he’s gonna yell at me like I did something wrong. I find that he’s probably called me all the names in the book. Sometimes he jokes about me being fat, Chubby when I’m reality I don’t look that way and it really makes me feel bad. My mum isn’t that bad she hasn’t called me any mean name she just yells but it’s not as bad as my dads.

PsychedelicFur It's so difficult to function, I'm exhausted
  • replies: 2

Hello there. I think I may have Borderline Personality Disorder but I am yet to receive a diagnosis. I have an intense fear of abandonment. I fear being judged and when I sense I have been judged by someone I isolate myself. I couldn't hold down my e... View more

Hello there. I think I may have Borderline Personality Disorder but I am yet to receive a diagnosis. I have an intense fear of abandonment. I fear being judged and when I sense I have been judged by someone I isolate myself. I couldn't hold down my employment. Masking to pretend that I was OK was extremely difficult. I have very black and white thinking, love and hate. And I feel like sometimes everyone is against me and everyone wants me to fail in life. I don't live leaving the house and I suffer from social insecurity and anxiety. I find it hard to sleep. And I just feel so overwhelmed. It's hard to relate to people. I get hyper sensitive to the way some people word their messages or the tone they use in conversation. Even small incidents make my day or mood intense. I internalize and bottle up a lot of anger and frustration. "Functioning" as a "normal" human being is really difficult. I'm on break for university at the moment but at the end of my uni year I felt snowed under with work and I still feel so burnt out. I'm 20 years of age but I don't feel like an adult. I constantly feel exhausted by my self destructive thoughts. I want a therapist who will take my stories/experiences seriously. I feel that something isn't right BUT I don't really know what it is. I recognize and acknowledge that self diagnosis is not ideal. Although, I feel so stuck and I really relate and resonate to all of the information I am studying or reading about Borderline Personality Disorder. Finally I feel like my feelings, intense emotions, worries and concerns are VALID. PF.

JustAnYtka Trauma Dreams
  • replies: 2

Hiya, I haven't been here in a while because I haven't needed it but this morning I had a dream that involved some trauma from a few years ago.I don't know why it happened but its made me confused and quite frankly scared. Why did it happen after 2 y... View more

Hiya, I haven't been here in a while because I haven't needed it but this morning I had a dream that involved some trauma from a few years ago.I don't know why it happened but its made me confused and quite frankly scared. Why did it happen after 2 years of not having any trauma dreams? I can think of no triggers.The dream was so vivid that I woke up in Fight, drenched in sweat and terrified, also feeling guilty. Does anyone have any advice? Thanks,Bee

Booots Reality vs present - past vs present, disassociate confusion
  • replies: 3

Hi peeps , hopefully somebody can help me clear some thoughts that have been going round in my head. I have PTSD , I think I disassociate.But when I am in a disassociate state I'm not escaping my trauma memories I am remembering them or I'm stuck in ... View more

Hi peeps , hopefully somebody can help me clear some thoughts that have been going round in my head. I have PTSD , I think I disassociate.But when I am in a disassociate state I'm not escaping my trauma memories I am remembering them or I'm stuck in some other negative thought loop .... hopefully people don't say that is flashbacks because it's not always real past traumas , I do have flashbacks I know , but I feel I disassociate from whatever I'm doing eg driving a.d get stuck in a negative thought or memory .I'm not disassociating from the trauma do whats that called and why do I keep doing it