How do I help my husband? PTSD

[Anna-anastasia]

Hi, I'm new here and I'm posting this out of desperation with the hope that I might be able to find some advice on how to help my husband and save our relationship.

We have been married for almost 10 years and have children together. He is a wonderful, genuine person and I love him to death. 

From the day he was born he has experienced trauma. Childhood abuse, extreme domestic violence in his family home, surviving and escaping a wartorn country after watching many die. He eventually married and had a family which led to a divorce in the most traumatic way. She took his children and she ran and vowed he would never see them again. 

He came to Australia and got remarried to me. I am almost certain that he has PTSD.

He has extreme defensiveness and episodes of anger that I cannot understand. At times i ask him a simple question and he behaves as if I have attacked him. Other times he lashes out at me for no reason and I can't understand why he has become so angry. He needs to have control of everything and I have fought him tooth and nail since the day we met to have control as well. If I did not have such a strong determined personality myself, he would be controlling me too, but I have not allowed that to happen.

He is not abusive and he hates violence. However, his defensiveness and anger it's taking its toll on me and I don't know what to do to help him.

He refuses to accept that there is something wrong, and he refuses to speak to anybody about it.

I can't even speak to him about my own feelings, because if I do he interprets it as if I am attacking him. And no matter how much I explain to him that I am only trying to explain my own feelings or hurt. It doesn't make a difference. 

For example, the other day I was expressing how exhausted I am juggling so many things at the same time. He responded to me as if I had accused him of being the reason for my exhaustion. 

This happens all the time, I feel like I cannot turn to my husband and tell him anything. Discuss my feelings with him because he will interpret it as an attack. I can't discuss my problems with him because he will try to control the situation. I can't try to make a decision with him because he will make the decision for me. I can't go out in public with him because I don't know if I might look at him the wrong way or say something the wrong way that will make him suddenly yell at me. 

I know this sounds like we have a horrible relationship but we don't. He's such an incredible person and I want to help him and not lose him. 

What do I do if he will not get help? How do I reassure him that I'm not a threat? How do I reduce his anxiety? 

[indigo22]

Hello Anna-anastasia,

Welcome to the forums and thank you for letting us know about the difficulties you are having at present. From what you have said about your husbands background, it is not surprising that mental health issues are present. There is not a great deal that you can do if someone refuses help but I would like to suggest a couple of things that you might try. There is an author named Gabor Mate who has written several books on the effects of different types of trauma which you may find help you to understand what is causing the reactions you speak of. I had a brother who has passed now, but was a Vietnam war veteran and had a hair trigger temper, it was only after he got some counselling through Veteran Affairs toward the end of his life, that he realised he had been dealing with ptsd all that time, and the difference in his temperament was dramatic after the counselling. I also wrote a letter to my fathers doctor when I was concerned about his mental health after a stroke, and asked the doctor to please probe a bit deeper the next time he had an appointment to see if there was any way he could help him. This is something you could do without having to mention it to your husband and would take you out of the firing line if the doctor sees what you are concerned about and offers him help. I would also recommend looking through some of the posts here to find some insight into how others have managed similar situations. I know it is not easy for you but clearly you love him and want the best for him and arming yourself with knowledge will be a good start. I hope this helps a little.

Take care and come back to this post and let us know how things are going whenever you wish.

indigo22

[Croix]

Dear Anna-anastasia~

I'd like ot join Indigo22 in welcoming you here to the support forum. It can often be very helpful to see how others have coped with similar situations. I came from the opposite side, I was the one with PTSD. While I'm still under treatment I'm a completely different person now, loving, supportive and wiht the ability ot return those, as well as having satisfaction in what I do.

While I doubt the causes of my problems were exactly the same as your husband's I suspect some of the  things are similar.

You, like my partner, have a very difficult and upsetting time, and as there is no road-map of what to do it can be confusing. My partner initially blamed herself for how I was, thinking herself lacking in many ways, and worse, I was not consistent so that one time she could talk with me, another time she would be met wiht hostility and resentment.

I can't explain all the reasons, I think one of the main things was my mind was so occupied with matters in the past there was no ability left to cope with others, and I'd try for solitude, and if someone intruded, even in a most kind and sympathetic way, I'd react badly.

Wanting to control everything was a sort of self-protection, if I controlled everything then nothing could threaten me. Sadly I was terribly suspicious say threats all the time. I'm glad you do not let yourself be controlled, even if that does cause friction

I could go on with all the things you describe, however, as my psychiatrist explained to my wife, they are symptoms of the illness. (After that explanation my wife no longer blamed herself and coped much better)

I guess the problem is that I could never "will myself better", it took skilled medical help, with medication and therapy which continues ot this day. True the support of my wife had a huge bearing on my recovery, but not enough by itself.

I know this is not the news you would like to hear, I'm afraid there may have to be some way to get your husband to seek competent help and stick with it. it can work well, as it has in my case. I"m not recognizable now.

One of the reasons I did seek help was that life was so unpleasant for me I'd try anything to make things better. How you manage to persuade him I don't know - is there anyone else he respects enough to take  notice?

So htere is good news and bad. The not so good news is external assistance may be necessary. The excellent news is I have reached a point in my recovery where I am not angry, love and am loved, support and accept support and do productive work.

Trying to deal wiht all this by yourself is extra hard - my partner had her mum for both practical and loving support. Do you have any support in your life?

You are always welcome here

Croix