Years of childhood abuse

[Sej]

Hi, This is my 1st time posting. I have been through years of sexual, emotional, and physical abuse when I was a child. It started when I was 6. I buried everything as much as I could when I became an adult. I didn't want people to worry, and I couldn't cope with it. I put myself in a horrible workplace. and I struggled and became suicidal. I knew I needed help and started seeing a Psychologist. I have been seeing her since July. I recently did the ptsd test and got 64 points. It was a good yet terrifying feeling. My thoughts and emotions weren't made up. I am seeing my Psychologist twice a week as I am having repressed memories come back and recurring nightmares. I struggle with trust and I am so scared that my Psychologist won't want to see me anymore. She has made it abundantly clear she is there for me, but I can't help it. I am still trying to process the past, the future, the therapy. My head is like a tornado, just filled with insults, abuse, hate towards myself, memories and pain. Will this stop?

[smallwolf]

hello and welcome. I cannot look into the future and tell you what will happen. I can tell you about my experience and hopefully some of that might resonate with you...  

I have been seeing a psychologist and psychiatrist for a number of years now and things seem to be turning around for me at the moment. I am going to take it while it is there.  I can still be critical with myself etc. there is an element of patience involved. 

I can also ask myself - am I better compared to last week/month/year

I have stories I can tell myself or remind myself about the journey with my well being and mental health.

I also tell myself I am a work in progress. 

End of my story, 

You should have had to experience what you did when you were a child, and i cannot imagine the effect it had on you. You were/are also brave in getting professional help and in writing your post here.  If nothing else, hopefully others will learn from your story.  You deserve to find some happiness and good memories. 

[Summer Rose]

Hi Sej

Welcome to the forums and congratulations on having the courage to reach out. Please know that you have arrived at a safe and non-judgmental place of support.

I’m terribly sorry for the abuse and trauma that you experienced as a child.  I can only imagine how difficult it is for you to process the past and map out your future. Hugs to you.

You should be so proud of the effort you have put in and the work you are doing to heal.  You have done an amazing job to get to a place to take your first steps.

I really want to encourage you to keep moving forward.

I honestly believe that there is always hope for better days ahead. You have much to gain through perseverance, despite the challenges you are currently experiencing. Hang in there because you are worth the effort.

Kind thoughts to you

[lennon11]

Hi Sej and welcome. I am glad you felt comfortable to post here and to share your experiences. There are people here like myself who care and can relate.

I'm sorry to hear that it's been such a rough time for you lately, that sounds really intense and difficult. Well done in seeking help from a psychologist to help you get through this hard time. Just being aware of your symptoms like you have been is a powerful part of taking care of yourself, and over time and with the help of your psychologist, these symptoms can absolutely be decreased or stopped.

Personally, I've also experienced years of childhood abuse, and repressed the memories until a couple of years ago. For me, that initial phase when the memories were resurfacing (which it sounds like you're in now) was by far the hardest. In my experience it has gotten a lot easier to deal with all of that over time.

For me, seeing a psychiatrist and starting medication was a big help in toning down the memories, triggers and intrusive thoughts. They used to be very strong and would consume my days entirely, but now they don't impact me as strongly. I've also benefited from therapy as well and that's great you have a kind psychologist in place to share your experiences with. Your psychologist would also be able to help you challenge those self-hatred thoughts in a safe way, so that their intensity could decrease. 

Small every day things can be helpful too. When you're in the thick of it, prioritising the basics for yourself is an amazing start. Eating, drinking water, hygiene, a little movement/exercise. If you can, I would suggest also trying to do one small thing every day that you enjoy - maybe doing a few minutes of a hobby you like, or getting a food/drink item that you like. You are dealing with massive things internally, and you deserve to rest and show yourself kindness even if it's hard.

It sounds like you've been doing really well with things even though it's been hard. Keep doing what you're doing and most importantly rest and slow down when you need it.

It won't feel this hard forever.

[Sej]

Thank you everyone for the replies. They were greatly appreciated and what I needed to read. I had a cry over them.

These last few days have been really hard. I am spiralling and don't want to do this anymore. I wish I could forget everything again and go back to burying it. I have my Psychologist appointment tomorrow and I am petrified that she will say sorry you can't be helped.  

Everyone says you have one life, so don't waste it. Mine was wasted at 6. I am just going through the motions now. Like a robot, well programmed to pretend happiness. Well programmed to just function each day.

I have just started ideal parenting techniques with my Psychologist. We have done it once, and I was emotional about it. I never realised how much I missed out on until I imagined better. 

I wish I could fast forward this year.

[Croix]

Dear Sej~

By now you will have seen your psychologist again and I'm sure she will not have said you can't be helped.

I also think you cannot fast-forward though the coming year -you need it for therapy and a start to recovery. As for wasting you life, you are not, instead you are building (even if it seems to be worse at the moment).

My psychiatrist told me that my mind was unearthing buried memories (I havePTSD) becuse it had reached the stage where it was possible to deal with them.

That did not mean an instant fix, it meant working through meds and therapy and lifestyle until a measure of control was reached.

Getting some control is immensely satisfying and generates (quite rightly) hope. As time went on the dwelling on the past, flashbacks, general preoccupation, nightmares  and lack of worth got less.

Now I'm happy with who I am - not just a mask for others - and have reached a recovery point where I'm glad to be alive and do not wake up each morning dreading life.

By the sound of it your psychologist is being sensible, giving you a glimpse of a loving family so you can gain perspective on what you have had to endure instead.

If someone in the medical profession was ever silly enough to say you can't be helped then it really means they are not able to help, and you simply change to one that can.

All this can be overwhelming, are you by yourself or do you have anyone to support you, maybe a friend or partner?

We are here for you and if you felt like telling us how you have got on we would be delighted

Croix

That does not mean thoughts of hte past never intrude, but I cna deal with them.

[Sej]

Hi, my Psychologist emailed me in the morning. She started it like this;

Thank you for this email. I can hear how difficult it is to keep going, and how determined you are not to quit. I will help you do this.

I was in ED at the time for an unrelated matter (I have injured my knee), and I had to hold back my emotions. 

Then at the beginning of the appointment she straight away reassured me that she has no intention of telling me no. Of leaving me to fight by myself.  And that she will write something for me to refer to between sessions to remind me of that.

She said that with what I have been through fear of abandonment is perfectly normal. 

She spoke from the heart and was compassionate,  comforting and reassuring through the whole session. 

By the end we were even laughing. I am really grateful to have her help me on my journey,  even though I have a lot of doubts and irrational fear. 

I am also extremely grateful for the beyond blue community and counsellors.  Without you I would have given up this week. I would have taken the easy way out and gone back to denial.

Today is the first day in a week where I have laughed a true laugh. I have enjoyed time with my family setting up the Christmas tree, and I haven't felt the need to chat to a counsellor. I have gone through one more dark storm and made it out the other side.

I can focus more on healing than on not breaking down. 

Thank you everyone for your responses.  I will be referring to them constantly until I feel I don't need to anymore. Once that happens,  I  will be in a happier life where I can deal with things better and appreciate myself. 

[Summer Rose]

Hi Sej

Thank you so much for sharing how positive your communication and latest psych appointment was for you. I am so relieved and happy for you!

There is no doubt a way to travel down this road you’re on, but you are off to a great start. From my experience, it’s going to take time and commitment. But you are so worth the effort.

Something precious was taken from you as a child. This was not your fault and it should never have happened. Hugs to you.
But now you have an opportunity to heal and reclaim the opportunity to live your best life. This is what’s at the end of the road. And it’s worth fighting for.
I believe you will get there and know that this community will walk with you. Please post any time. You are not alone, lovely💜

Kind thoughts to you

[smallwolf]

Sounds like you might have reached a turning point. And it seems you also have a good relationship with your psych. And you are also seeing a psych and want to make changes which is also great. Not everyone is like that. When you said you cried because of your loss of childhood that struck a chord in me. The response from the psych* was wonderful. The journey you are on now ... there will likely be ups and downs; one thing to remember is that to get to top of a mountain you might have to go into a valley before you go up again. That's OK. You are still higher than when you started. And we will all be here when you post. 

[Sej]

The last week was amazing until last night. Another forgotten memory came to me. It is like when I finally feel like I am on the right track, I am slapped off it again.  

Going back to twice weekly therapy has been much better for me. I don't have to try and fight my thoughts for as long. I had therapy yesterday, and it went great. We discussed our plans. We discussed the break we will be having due to the office she works at closing over Christmas. We made a plan if my thoughts turned in a bad direction again. I really felt like I was moving forward. Then the memory came back. 

I guess on the bright side, it is one less now for me to be disgusted and sick over as what happens whenever one returns.

I was feeling really positive. I hadn't needed to go on to Beyond Blue for a few days. I even stayed off last night after the memory returned. I just couldn't tonight. Typing makes it easier to cope. 

Thank you again for your support. To have people who understand the emotional roller-coaster, the trauma and the pain is a really good coping mechanism. It sucks that we are all going through this though.