PTSD from mum's cancer and brother's betrayal

[David35]

I've been experiencing intense panic/rage attacks lately. A few weeks ago I punched a door. I thought this was the end of it. Then again today. I have this anger built up over issues that have occurred in the past few years which I'll describe now.

Mum had cancer treatment for several years and in that time my brother, his wife and family stopped associating with mum and I. So I was not only dealing with the situation of mum's illness, but the betrayal. The problem is now that mum is better, I find that I can't talk or listen to certain topics, or else I go into a rage. It just gets too much. Illness, my brother's wife and her treatment of us have both deeply traumatised me. How can I deal with this? I get counselling, but whereas I've tried to compartmentalise it, mum keeps dragging up these uncomfortable feelings. I have very low tolerance and can't cope with too much stress

[Serenity22]

Hi David,

I clicked on your post because your title on brother betrayal is something I experienced from both of mine. There is an element of distrust towards my brother’s wife I’ve also noticed. The abandonment aspect you described is another level altogether, which I can relate to. I won’t go into details, unless you ask..because they may not be relevant. The feelings are the relevant part. 

I don’t have a specific plan of action for you, but I felt inspired to reply, in the event our posts can help us both with our frustrations. I, too get triggered. I get triggered a lot. Movies, tv shows, the mention of said family member/s. As well as the recurring theme of the initial hurt if similar feelings are invoked, no matter how that happens. 

I’ve certainly felt rage but I’ve been told by psychoanalyst scholars that rage in women manifests in other ways. I’ve dated men with rage issues. Punching walls, for example. My father and brothers had similar outbursts. 

PTSD springs to mind. A specific element to PTSD involves betrayal of the very people who you should be able to trust. For example, your family. The reason I mention ptsd is because if you do have that, it will help you understand how to treat the rage triggers. I read ptsd literature and realised I was having normal reactions.  

Sadly, people that don’t do the right thing are usually the ones with the mental issues, but their actions make it look like we are the ones who need help. Good on you for being a man off honour. From what you’ve told me, it seems that way. Do you have a partner in your corner, like your brother has his wife? I’m single, but I’ve noticed that my brother and his wife seem to cope well because they back each other even if the behaviour is shitty. If you don’t have that support…let me be the one to have your back for a minute. Strength in numbers…that sort of thing. 

For me, coping with rage started with learning about the nervous system, to create a stress response that was non-reactive. I meditate as much as my pain levels permit. It can be 5 min, or 60 min, with or without music. It develops self discipline. 

Gabor Mate was a helpful person to listen to on YouTube. Ajahn Amaro, a Buddhist monk gives speeches that I would listen to while walking slowly. I found myself changing without having to consciously try, because my ideas and values started to align with something deeper and bigger than my brother and his wife even came close to. 

In your corner, bud 🙂 

Serenity Now 🙂

[therising]

Hi David

Good to hear the colonoscopy's coming up soon. I imagine she'll need to manage her stress levels in the lead up, especially in the lead up to the results. Understandably, a very stressful time for the both of you. Perhaps it's worth considering how you need to take care of yourself in the lead up to the colonoscopy. A balance of support for your mum and some occasional time out for you, in the ways of positively and constructively treating yourself, could be worth planning for.

Wondering if you've flat out asked your brother why he's cut you both off. Maybe it's been an issue he just won't give you a solid answer to. Do you think you'd feel better demanding an answer from him, as opposed to you being left wondering in some ways. I think it's fair to say 'While I try my hardest to manage mum's life without your help, the least you can is tell me why you've cut contact. Be completely honest. I prefer honesty over being left to wonder'. Whether your brother's simply (and sadly) waiting for his part of the inheritance or there's something else going on that leads him to keep his distance, it's definitely questionable as to why he's cut ties with you, someone who obviously needs support in all this. Whether it's easiest for him to not feel any family member's challenges, definitely makes things far from easy for you. Do you feel your dad's poor health was perhaps easier for your brother to manage maybe because it involved a shorter period of time or maybe your dad was more easy going or more philosophical about it all, as opposed to him being negative and stressful? I know a variety of people who don't like to feel, for a variety of reasons. There are narcissists who don't like to feel for anyone other than themself. There are those who can't tolerate feeling too much (especially those on the autism spectrum). There are those who prefer to simply avoid feeling the tough stuff (avoidance issues). The list goes on.

How to find ease for yourself is something Serenity22 touches on, offering some great suggestions in how to change feeling a sense of dis-ease to feeling a sense of ease. The way you feel your mum's comment, 'It's all their fault' is the feeling of dis-ease (unease) in the body, through emotion. Good to hear you're managing ways to not feel that. Might sound simple and a little useless to some but I've found breathing dis-ease out, wherever possible, through long breaths has a three-fold effect. 1)Breathing it out means there's less chance it'll settle in my mind (in turn changing my inner dialogue for the worse), 2)there'll be less chance such dis-ease will go on to manifest long term resulting in physical disease (hypertension/blood pressure issues, muscle tension, inflammation etc) and 3)it sends a message to the person observing my breathing that their comments are obviously not good for me. It helps make them more conscious. Btw, sometimes it's not enough for me to vent in such a simple way, sometimes I'm led to imagine that sense of dis-ease is like dark smoke. I keep slowly venting until I imagine it becoming completely clear. The toxic stuff in life is better out than in.

[David35]

Serenity,

You pretty much sum up how I feel. The abandonment, betrayal of trust by my brother. The artificial concern. He has been better the last few months, but it's all behind his wife's back. No I'm single. Just mum and I. Dad passed away several years ago. The stress response is the thing that annoys me. The ironic thing is that it has been my brother's lack of support which has indirectly caused it, yet he's now the one to offer suggestions. Maybe if he cared, when I asked him to, instead of emotionally bullying me, I wouldn't be in this situation. You're right. They treat the world like objects and then wonder why people with feelings are upset.

At the heart of it is that I was made to feel inadequate by my bro because I was struggling to cope with mum's cancer. Now she has a form of trauma from what she's been through, and refuses to deal with it, I've become her emotional dumping ground. The injustice is that they're the ones who have the problem with their lack of care for others, yet I'm the one who has to pick up the pieces.

[David35]

The Rising,

I have asked him. Even pointed out to him years ago that it was his lack of support and general demeaning attitude towards me that caused a large part of my mental health deterioration. But he just resorts to "I have no comprehension of the stress he's been under", presumably because he's trying to keep his marriage intact trying to satisfy her every demand. I think it was easier with dad because he was only "sick" for a few months before he died. It wasn't as prolonged as mum's treatment. We've become problems, not people to them. I get that. It still hurts though. His other response is that they're always too busy. Or "WE WORK!", insulting both mum and I because we're on government pensions. But he's never far from the phone when he jokes about mum paying off his mortgage. It's beyond belief. At the end of the day, we no longer benefit them. Which has been the hardest thing to accept.

[Eagle Ray]

Hi David,

I'm sorry for everything you are having to deal with. I don't know if this will help, but I have found some answers, sadly not while my mum was still alive, but at least I am beginning to deal with my brother and by extension his partner as well.

My brother too was not supportive while I was caring for mum. I lived with her for the last 11 months of her life. If my brother visited he would make demeaning comments such as he expected the place to look spotless the next time he visited, while doing absolutely nothing to assist with mum's care, which was very full on to deal with. He has been very controlled by his partner and the consequence was him becoming very judgemental of me, even after mum died. But in the process I have learned this - I am actually much stronger than the two of them put together. I would say David, you are much stronger than your bother and his partner. They might make comments like "WE WORK", but what you are doing in being a carer is work! It is also a particular kind of work that not everyone is good at, and the fact you have the empathy and sensitivity to be aware of your mother's emotional world and struggles shows you have emotional intelligence and insight.

So I wonder if you can feel that strength within you? Just being able to feel and know that about yourself is an antidote to the judgements of others. I feel betrayed by my brother too and it really hurt for a long time. But finally I am able to accept the reality of that and it is hurting me less. The more I am able to value myself, the less the judgements of my brother and his partner can hurt me. Being a carer takes courage, strength, resourcefulness and emotional intelligence. You have those qualities.

The other thing that I can see with the value of hindsight looking back on my time with mum, is I really needed to prioritise myself more. I think when you follow your own needs more it helps the both of you. So that may mean taking out more time for your own activities and life. As your mum is at least over the cancer treatment now (as I think I understand from your posts) you can let go a bit and start pursing some interests just for you. It might mean saying to your mum, yes I can take you to your medical appointment this week, but I'm also taking time out to do xyz for myself. Often when you have someone quite dependent on you (and my mother was on me), the best thing you can do is show your independence. This often improves the relationship and they actually start to step up a bit themselves in terms of taking responsibility a bit more for their own wellbeing.

I am practising this life skill now, including with some friends who have been somewhat dependent on me. And lo and behold, they are taking more responsibility for themselves now. I had to learn to not worry about their reactions to me prioritising myself more and it did actually work. One friend didn't particularly like it at first and got emotional about it, but she has shifted now as she is starting to grasp I have limits and I don't want them crossed. She is actually doing more for herself and setting her own boundaries better too. Sometimes we need to become the example we want to see. Unfortunately sometimes that is even with our parents who we wish were able to lead the way for us. But sometimes our parents have just not grown in certain ways, leaving us somewhat at sea and having to learn certain skills from elsewhere and find the resources they didn't give us. It actually becomes liberating once we realise we can separate ourselves as an individual and prioritise our needs.

Sorry, I wrote a lot there! But just wanted to share what I feel I have learned (and am still learning).

Take care,

ER

[Serenity22]

Hi David,

Since reading more context of your situation, I can feel why you’d have rage. I’d have the same anger. The frustration dealing with a brother like that…thinking he has all the answers but he wasn’t around to be in a position to act like he does? Sheesh. I’d be speechless. 

My eldest brother does that, too. He offers advice I don’t ask for. My brother has a massive ego and it’s gotten worse over time. I think his wife, much like your brother’s wife has probably inflated his ego either accidentally or on purpose….and it’s almost laughable to be on the receiving end of that “holier than thou” advice. It would be laughable if it wasn’t so frustrating, of course. 

Your brother wouldn’t even be aware of how he’s coming across, but it’s not a becoming quality that he possesses. His behaviour is a bit cringe, if I’m honest. And he sounds full of himself. I apologise I haven’t offered anything more helpful. I just share your frustration in a relatable circumstance of my own. 

S x

[therising]

Hi David

When you speak of the stress your brother mentions being under, you lead me to a revelation. I am thankful to you for raising me and my consciousness. When we become the person in our parent's life who supports them the most, we in turn offer stress relief to all those around who don't or can't find the time to help. What would be nice to hear from your brother is something like 'If it wasn't for you caring for mum to the degree that you do, I wouldn't be able to cope with everything in life. Also, if it wasn't for government support in all this (the pension) giving you the time it takes in supporting mum, I don't think I could manage the time it takes in going out to work, if I was left to care for her alone. My life is made easier because of you. I have less stress and more opportunity in my life thanks to you'.

Can definitely be triggering when a sibling is a 'manager' type and a tough and possibly depressing one at that. When they swoop in on occasion and manage in their own unique way, it can definitely be triggering. They may manage through telling you everything you're doing wrong, manage through telling you what you should be doing from their perspective and manage through telling you the role they will or won't be playing while they delegate the work to you (directly or indirectly). While it would be great if they accepted the role you appoint or delegate to them (the role of 'someone who shows up at least once a week'), their regular dis-appointment from that role can also be triggering. So then it becomes about a whole lot of mixed emotions such as regular disappointment, frustration, resentment, feelings of desertion, isolation (being left alone to manage), stress, dread and so much more.

Stating in some way 'You're not good for my mental health' is a perfectly fair and honest statement. While you are on call for 168 hours in a week, showing up for at least 2 of those hours in some visible form (physically, through Zoom or Whatsapp etc) is not a big ask. To show up in some highly conscious, considerate and giving way for what equates to 104 hours in a year still leaves your brother and his wife with 8,632 hours for the remainder of the year. Please excuse my calculations if they're wrong. Btw, if it's his wife's wish to consume the 104 hours, he perhaps should be questioning who he's married to. 🙂

[David35]

Eagle Ray,

You hit on important issues. Others have a tendency to devalue my self-worth and that's something I'm learning to deal with. Not to let my self-worth be determined by others, least of all people who don't care about me or understand me. I've been pursuing hobby woodworking again as well as other interests. Mum encourages that. Just sometimes my head is full of unresolved emotional issues, particularly at 5am in the morning for some reason! The more things I pursue for myself, the less resentment I have towards mum's cancer treatment depriving me of joyful things to do.

That codependency is another issue. I've tried to point out to mum that her mental health is her responsibility, not mine. I'll help, but ultimately she has to learn to forgive her eldest son (somehow) otherwise he'll be "living rent-free in her head" for the rest of her life. Waiting for them to acknowledge their faults is never going to happen. Accepting our disappointments goes a long way to healing. Dad used to have this say "Nothing is impossible for those who don't have to do it." Sounds like your brother (and mine)

I think for a long time my bro has been controlled by his wife. Lines like "We have our own family [to worry about].' ie we're not family have hurt. But lately he's been reconnecting with us, so I'm not convinced they were his own thoughts. Anyway, you can choose your friends, but you can't choose your family (or inlaws for that matter)

[David35]

No you have. He dropped in last Christmas in and then asks when we're selling the house (downsize)! presumably so he can get some of the proceeds... Unbelievable. His eye is on the prize. After all mum and I have been through, that's the level of concern they have for us both.

[David35]

You're 100% correct. My bro is the type who does nothing, because that might involve getting it wrong, but criticises everything. Instead of being resentful of me being on a pension he could be grateful that I can look after mum's every need! He was the same way with tying up dad's super when he died. Instead of being grateful that I could handle it all, and save him a lot of time, he was jealous that he wasn't in charge! All this mindset is fuelled by his wife who is jealous of everyone.

When I look back, he's undermined virtually every decision mum and I have made since dad died (from where we live, why we didn't keep trading cars in every few years, to financial decisions we've made).  Nothing was good enough. A lot of this comes from him being 4 years older and feeling superior, but a lot of it is jealousy that I've been left to manage important decisions regarding mum and am the primary power of attorney (a form he didn't sign for over a year), because according to his wife "He felt left out". When we were dealing with dad's estate it was just a matter of "Dotting the I's and crossing the T's". That's all there was to it apparently!

The undermining even started before dad died (over 7 years ago). They cornered me one day and starting putting the fear of God into me that Mum and I wouldn't be able to cope when dad passed. We've since proved that we're fine (emotionally, financially, etc.). We needed support, not criticism, but unfortunately some people can't help themselves.

Admittedly, the last few months he did make some comments regarding a sense of appreciation for everything I was doing. I just think his moral compass has been corrupted by the Bermuda Triangle that is his wife. He would rather please his wife, than do what's right. That's the disappointment.