PTSD - Does 'wellness' and 'safety' trigger a fear response?

[Just Sara]

It has with me..

I'd like to discuss exposure to health, vitality and safety after traumatic experiences. My recovery's in full swing, yet I'm still avoiding life; the good bits. Why?

Change can have amazing benefits for personal growth. Those of us who experience fear responses to ptsd triggers, know how debilitating it can be. So when enough work's done to progress onto living life fairly normal, how do we cope? It's so new and foreign.

People reading this might say; "OMG! What's she complaining about?! Getting well?!" Yep! In a nutshell...

I don't ruminate anymore; I've let go of the past and not obsessing over the future. I live a simple life without too many problems, (unless I create them myself) can effectively deal with situations that trigger and have mastered mindfulness. Yay great! What now?

My life's now like an experiment on a daily basis. A lot of my childhood coping strategies caused thru trauma are now on the back-burner. What replaces them? I've been on a mission to heal my broken mind and have come leaps and bounds. Now it's time to live life without trauma or threat of it and I'm flailing. It might not make sense to some, but I'm hoping it does with others.

Habitual thinking and responses are just that; a habit. Forming new one's that aren't a response to danger is challenging me. Is there anyone out there who understands or wants to discuss this confusing topic?

Existing and new members are welcome to contribute..

Many thanks...Sez

[Just Sara]

Yes...wise words Nat. 🙂

Learning boundaries and assertiveness within relationships has been a huge part of my recovery, so I've come to accept family members I struggle with are as you say; flawed humans. Your psych was on the money for sure...

The thing that rose inside me when I read your post though, was acknowledging 'why' I was crying behind the lounge in the first place. Which led to - finally understanding why I've been the way I've been for the past 12 months.

So many crisis moments of my life have been overshadowed by worrying about what's happening (or going to happen) 'to' me and 'who's' doing it. I didn't survive my childhood Nat; I survived other people.

Something happened about this time last yr that really hurt my feelings. I think it got to me more than I anticipated.

It's ok to feel sad, alone and unloved. What it does to me though, is trigger childhood experiences that make feelings seem bigger and more complex than they need be.

I don't think others actually realise how deeply I feel when it comes to isolation. I thought my feelings were so 'wrong' or dysfunctional because others have seen me as overreacting or being a drama queen.

I can sigh now Nat. It makes sense and I feel it in my waters! lol My sleeping patterns are already starting to change for the better, and yesterday I got out in the yard and did some mowing. I've connected with life again thanks to those few words you wrote.

I'm putting a dye in my hair today and cutting it too. Isn't it amazing how fast healing occurs when we 'get it' and let ourselves off the hook? 🙂

Grateful thoughts;

Sez xo

[Idkme]

Wow Sez,

these last couple of weeks has been a huge eye opener to me. I’ve known that being abused from 13-17yo by and roach has had a huge impact on me but the ‘why me’ has been made clearer through the realisations of my mother’s neglect. The emotional blackmail and lack of nurturing has become so much more obvious. No one who ‘cared’ for me or protected me. I was left to do my own things with everyone thinking I was ‘independent and a good girl’.

I can remember that exact song that people would sing to me.... ‘big ones, fat ones, ones that squiggle and squirm’. Those last words are the same repulsive feelings I experience when having some flashbacks. So interesting.

Only 3 weeks ago I had not even heard of complex trauma and I had suppressed the sexual abuse I had thinking it’s done and gone but what I realise now is that it wasn’t just those 4 years, it was my whole childhood while my parents were screaming at each other, while my mother was dealing with her own mental health issues, while she was dealing with trauma of having escaped Hungary while she was 7 and coming to a country as an immigrant. It’s no wonder my brother ‘left’ this world and my sister is a heavy drug user who never leaves the house.

I just hope I’m early enough to break the cycle.

[Idkme]

Hi Queras,

You said “My psychiatrist said to me once that I can tell him very clearly why others have acted as they have. That I have thought and analysed how they felt and why. But ask me how I felt? I don't remember. I don't know. I don't really know myself because that would involve investing time in ME. And am I worth the effort?

Oh my Gosh yes, this is Sooooo true. It’s like I attract all the broken souls and they tell me how well I understand them but if I spend just a small bit of time on me, ewwww. And any time I find something it seems it’s been sabotaged or taken away by someone or something... it’s hard to find yourself.

[Just Sara]

Really good to see you here too Idk; I've left a post for you on the cptsd thread. It looks like you're ready to get into recovery mode. You've chosen a great place to vent and find other like minded souls. I'm so glad you're here...keep reading and writing because it's really therapeutic.

Finally acknowledging your (internal) childhood pain instead of seeing it thru the eyes of others, is 'real'. That's the only way I can explain it. It hurts sure, but at least you can own it and understand why you felt that way. There's freedom in accepting your pain was and is valid. I'm glad my anecdote was helpful.

That song; now represents the ignorance of others, not my 'unreasonable' neediness. There wasn't anything more reasonable than my little girl's pain eh?

Sez x