PTSD - Does 'wellness' and 'safety' trigger a fear response?

[Just Sara]

It has with me..

I'd like to discuss exposure to health, vitality and safety after traumatic experiences. My recovery's in full swing, yet I'm still avoiding life; the good bits. Why?

Change can have amazing benefits for personal growth. Those of us who experience fear responses to ptsd triggers, know how debilitating it can be. So when enough work's done to progress onto living life fairly normal, how do we cope? It's so new and foreign.

People reading this might say; "OMG! What's she complaining about?! Getting well?!" Yep! In a nutshell...

I don't ruminate anymore; I've let go of the past and not obsessing over the future. I live a simple life without too many problems, (unless I create them myself) can effectively deal with situations that trigger and have mastered mindfulness. Yay great! What now?

My life's now like an experiment on a daily basis. A lot of my childhood coping strategies caused thru trauma are now on the back-burner. What replaces them? I've been on a mission to heal my broken mind and have come leaps and bounds. Now it's time to live life without trauma or threat of it and I'm flailing. It might not make sense to some, but I'm hoping it does with others.

Habitual thinking and responses are just that; a habit. Forming new one's that aren't a response to danger is challenging me. Is there anyone out there who understands or wants to discuss this confusing topic?

Existing and new members are welcome to contribute..

Many thanks...Sez

[startingnew]

I dont have anything to add atm but wanted to comment so can follow.

Interesting reading, thanks for starting this thread Sez

[Just Sara]

Thanks for that Nat; and thankyou SN for following (^~^)

I do get your idea of a Zen spot with sand etc. I probably wouldn't spend much time in though as I've spent far too much time on contemplation to last me a lifetime. I do have a little corner in my front yard though, similar to a Zen garden. Nothing alive in there (anymore) but it looks attractive none the less.

My statue of Buddha takes pride of place along with really white pebbles, a decent sized rock and a tall bamboo flame light. The large tub planter has dry dead plants falling over the side and needs to be replaced with something; not sure what yet. It's a work in progress.

I'm feeling better today after deciding to continue sleeping days and doing the doing at night. It works, so why fix it if it isn't broken right? I'm sleeping like a baby too!

There's so much pressure on people suffering MH issues to 'get back into the saddle' so to speak. Society's decided 'their' norm's universal as far as 1st world life goes. I beg to differ!

If I'm sleeping well, not using med's as much, limiting triggers and feeling ok, then why pressure myself with society's idea of wellness and health? I mean; if it works, work it!

Getting used to the simple life isn't going to happen overnight, so practising being still and having a lack of adrenaline fuelled moments will teach my body/brain to accept this change over time. Patience is a virtue hey? lol

Ole blue eyes was on the money when he sang about doing it 'My Way'. ʘ͜͡ʘ

I created this thread thru a concern I was heading into a quagmire I didn't understand, but it's turned into quite an interesting and uplifting thread. Thankyou to all who've posted!

Warm and gentle thoughts;

Sez xo

[Bella001]

Hello Sara


I had a read through your thread and have found it quite helpful and an interesting read as well. And thank you to those who have contributed as well. You all sound so wise!
Also thank you for sharing some of your experience as well. It has been good getting to know you a litle bit as ive been reading as well.


Safety is something I feel I need a lot more since my trauma, Before then despite being uncomfortable in some situations I could handle it and would get that feeling of safety by being with those I trust, however now if I dont feel safe I wont attent the function etc or I will leave. People really must think im rude and that doesnt sit well with me but its something that helps me to cope. I do hope though that I will be able to start enjoying life more and not have so many fear responses.


My aim goal is to become well again but that path does look rather intimidating like attending therapy, learning how to cope in those stressful situation instead of running away so to speak and also doing the things that I use to love doing too. The things that I think might help with personal growth and other areas of my life would be to join up with a social group and to also attend tafe or something like that however that fear does stop me.
I have discussed with my therapist though about how to move forward in life, and she has helped me to realise that at the moment I am still in that stage of learning to actually live after truama and not just to survive. The part where is it is hard to see past the event and how that has and may continue to affect me. So the fear of what next and being able to accept the good things may take some time to come back again.




That sounds like quite a big ramble. Sorry!

[Bella001]

Hi Blondguy


Im not sure if this is the same an mindfullness but when im overly stressed or triggered, I tend to go to my 'safe place' in my mind. Its usually the beach or a a garden filled with blooming flowers but I try to use the 5 senses that way by imagine what it feels like to walk through the sand, or smell the salt air etc.








Hello Quercus
I love your little fox avatar too, its very cute.


Something I struggle with is my own needs and desires as well. I have trouble knowing what I like as well, I seem to change my mind quite quickly about the things I do and dont like. I dont really invest a lot of time actually thinking about what it is that want/need/ like/dont like.
Do you mind me asking how you got more courage to try new experiences and judge them for yourself rather than what other might think or what others might like?


I would love to learn to garden, when I finish having a cleanup of my backyard ill have a smallish section to plant something. I think I seen theres a gardening thread here? It would be wonderful to talk to you about gardening and plants.

[Just Sara]

Please don't be sorry Bella; your thoughts are important. I'm sorry for not responding straight away. I've been MIA for a while and popped in to check on my threads and by chance, found you. 🙂

I think you're doing all the right things for yourself. It's identifying them that had me troubled to begin with, then how to accept wellness as normal. Safety? Mmm...I totally understand this priority. It was my world for most of my life. These days there's a sense of calm to replace it thank goodness.

Since I started this thread it still seems to have hold of me, though I'm more aware of why. Confronting people and situations where the past 'might' rare its head is scary. Will I fall to past habits, or will I utilise new techniques successfully? Do I trust myself enough to put myself out there? These questions and more sit on my mind. In the meantime, I procrastinate...

I did an online chat session recently with a counsellor who bought me into the light. I started staying up until early morning and sleeping during the day because I slept so much better and felt safe. It's now become my prison. Life's needing my attention and I'm still MIA. Blah! Changing this habitual behaviour really is hard.

Anyway, that's me.

I hope you're still interested in talking. would love to hear back from you Bella.

Sez

[Quercus]

Hi Sara and Bella,

I've been MIA too and only just saw your question Bella. I'm sorry. I would love to chat gardens with you when I'm online more. There are a few garden threads in the meantime where you'll meet other green fingered souls 😊.

Sara you mentioned waiting till daylight to sleep. I used to do this too. When hubby was on night shifts I'd wait for dawn then grab a few hours before the kids woke. It is exhausting but like you I was afraid to sleep. I'd open my eyes every minute or so just to check I was alone. Heart would race. The fear was irrational but to me very very real.

What helped...

Hubby realised to me the fear was real. Rather than make me feel stupid he asked his Dad (a steel worker) to make bars for every window and door. My family HATED it. People asked why we lived in a prison. But it helped me to reset.

My norm was fear. Night was scary and unsafe. I'm still not sure why. I still don't have memories of when the fear began or why.

I learned to sleep with lights on at night. Music for relaxation. Deep breathing. If I got worked up I'd go sit with my babies. It reminded me that regardless of any "monsters" if true risk came I would swallow fear and fight like a monster myself to keep them safe.

As I felt braver I slowly reduced the lights. Then I left the toilet light on but mostly for the kids.

We removed the bars to sell our house and curiously enough I was ok. I had learned my home was a safe place.

You've got this Sara. The fear is valid and ok. If you need security to sleep that is ok and you're not remotely alone.

Bella I will answer your question when I can ok.

"How you got more courage to try new experiences and judge them for yourself rather than what other might think or what others might like?"

I'm off to strain and tie some fencing today. Maybe others will have some ideas too.

❤ Nat

PS Sara I miss you behind the scenes already. But you sound happier/more relaxed? So I am happy for you.

[Just Sara]

Oh Nat; you're just what the doctor ordered! (Shout-out to Bella too!)

When I read the words; "You've got this Sara. The fear is valid and ok. If you need security to sleep that is ok and you're not remotely alone" it rang in my ears as sad, but a relief. Wow! Many uncontrollable tears my sweet.

Sometimes memories pop into my head of not so great times; they're gifts my subconscious gives me to understand what I'm feeling 'in the now'.

It's like deep down, I recognise those feelings.Today's one of those days..

When I was around 5, I hid behind the lounge and was crying deeply to myself. Finding a private space to 'feel' wasn't easy in a tiny 2 bed home. My mum pulled the lounge out and asked what was wrong. I cried telling her that nobody loved me.

She grabbed my younger sister and danced around the room singing; "Nobody loves me, everybody hates me, think I'll go eat worms..etc" They had quite a time of it.

In the past I've focused on the resulting embarrassment, humiliation and the insensitive ways of my mother, but today I think it's remembering why I was there in the first place; hiding. More tears...😞 I just realised this is the first time in 50 odd yrs I've acknowledged my little girl's pain in that situation? It was overrun by what happened afterwards. Sighing...

The similarities between then and now are remarkable. Feelings wise that is, obviously not details. And my mum? Well, she's still as insensitive as ever. It all makes sense now.

Dear Nat; that's why this site works! Because beautiful people like you share their stories for people like me to join the dots. Thankyou...

I've been hiding to lick my wounds in private. I do feel unloved and ridiculed among my family. It doesn't help not being able to hold someone or be held. That physical touch thing really is quite exceptional on the psyche hey? I wasn't hugged by my mum or dad. It makes sense that I felt/feel alone...

This has been an eye opener and very therapeutic Nat. Just being you is exactly what I needed. Many, many thanks...

Sez xoxo

PS.. I was in a humid crib without being touched for 10 weeks at birth. Touch has always been an important issue for me; joining the dots. Thankyou Nat...

[Lee lee 73]

Hello Just Sara,

We met on another thread "mental health in nursing homes ". I couldnt sleep so jumped on here to have a read of 'new posts' and saw yours. I don't have PTSD, however your last post did ring true - feelings of neglect and not being nurtured.

I pictured you at 5yrs old crying and hiding Just Sara. I just wanted to give you that little girl the biggest and warmest hug....and you now.

My psychologist recently told me, those of us who were never nutured as a child are the ones who crave it the most. I guess I just wanted to share that with you.

Kind thoughts

Lee lee

[Just Sara]

Thankyou Lee;

Our stories are our legacies. Neglect is passive in most cases, but violent on the soul.

xo

[Quercus]

Hi Sara (and hi to Lee too 😊),

I'm glad what I wrote helped you a little. That's a good feeling. I do think many of us (like you and I perhaps...) need to be reminded that how we feel is valid.

Theoretically I know I'm allowed to feel but when vulnerable I look to others for reassurance. It is habit from childhood too.

It makes total sense to me that you recalled this particular memory. More so when you related it to a need for touch.

Lee mentioned wanting to give 5 year old you a hug and immediately I thought of my son. Just turned 5. I have days where he drives me spare but if he was hiding in tears and confided in me why he was hurting I know that is a moment to be gentle or regret it.

Vulnerable moments shape us. Teach us how to respond. How to trust (or not). How to protect ourselves.

And yet family is a sore point for me too. I've learnt to protect myself from others but it has taken a very long time to realise just because people are family doesn't mean you can't have boundaries.

Easy to say. Exceptionally hard to do.

A dear friend from uni shared with me once what her psych told her about her toxic family relationships. It helped me. I hope it helps you too.

She said we need to try to let go of expectations.

To honestly consider the family member as they are not as we want them to be.

Then ask yourself is what you want realistic? Is the person willing and able to meet your needs?

If the answer is no then we consider whether we willing and able to accept that person warts and all... knowing we will never have our needs met.

Then we let ourselves grieve. Grieve the loss of the relationship we dreamed of. Let go of unrealistic hopes and invest our hope in fulfilling relationships.

This helped me a lot. My Mum has done a lot of unintentionally hurtful things. But she has never intended to hurt me and is horrified to know she has. I am able to realise she is a person with flaws. The good outweighs the hurt... so I am willing to keep trying.

Then there is my sister. Who has caused deep hurts and doesn't seem to understand that sorry means nothing if you just keep on doing the same hurtful things. As much as it hurts to walk away I need to.

I suppose what I'm saying is... your Mum was very cruel and hasn't changed from what you wrote. Are there other relationships and friendships offline you can invest in. You cannot change her. But you can give your energy to people who will care and lift you (and the little girl inside).

Love Nat