PTSD Battle - Toxic Relationship Situation

[Tigs888]

Hello

I am a medically retired veteran from the policing fraternity. I have severe PTSD and manage daily life as best as I can.

My partner of 9 years has been my Saviour Angel and I treasure her immensely. I have a son 21 and daughter 18 who are very close to myself. My relationship with my ex wife who is a psychologist is good and she has been supportive all through my journey living with my PTSD. Our marriage broke down due to my ptsd and my reluctance to leave the policing career. 

I was open from day one with my current partner about my ptsd. She understood the seriousness of my mental health. I cannot ask for a more loving partner.

Here is the issue….she has a 27 year old daughter who is married with 2 kids under 3. She and her family live with her dad. Since the early days of my relationship with my partner, her daughter has constantly attempted to sabotage it through the following methods…creating jealousy issues when my kids use to visit us for school holidays..by trying to get them in trouble by false stories, bringing up her mum’s ex partner often to see my reaction, inviting her dad along  to private gatherings that her mum and me organise to attempt to cause an issue.

Now that she has 2 kids….she is attempting to create a bigger conflict between her mum and myself by constantly forcing her mum to visit her at her house where her dad lives in the granny flat. I have for years gone along to visit her with my partner even though it’s been uncomfortable to be around her ex husband who is autistic and has no concept of relationship boundaries.

The ex husband constantly dredges up about my partners married life with him and relives the thing they use to do eg holidays. I have ceased going along for the weekly visits to my partners daughter’s house to maintain my calmness.

I feel my ptsd is getting worst as the narcissistic daughter now demands frequent weekends away without her kids and my partner has to babysit the whole time at her house. The daughter is very aware that her mum is a pushover and that this is causing major issues in my relationship with her mom. My partner works in high stress corpoarte environment and the weekends gives us a chance to have couple time by either travelling or catching up with our friends.

I am at a crossroad now and wonder if its better for my ptsd to rent my own place and end the relationship? My daughter has moved in with us for her university studies and is concerned for my mental health. She has confirmed my opinion about my partner's daughter being a narcissist person. I have tried so many times to get my partner to join me at my psychologist office to discuss the dire situation that is been caused by her daughter but she says 'theres nothing wrong and your just picking isssues'. 

Close friends and family have adviced me to walk away and be happy rather then be 'gas lit' and stay in a coercive situation.....any advice?????? Please.....

[therising]

The warmest of welcomes to you at such an incredibly frustrating, tormenting and upsetting time in your life. I also wish to say thank you for your years of service with the force. It's a job not many could do, given the deeply impacting side effects of such a job. Many of us choose much easier jobs or careers.

I'm wondering if anyone has addressed the need to have frequent weekends away from the children. While I'm not judging, I am wondering why your partner's daughter isn't wanting to parent her children every weekend. Being a mum myself (to a 19yo son and 21yo daughter), it's not easy raising small children as you'd know but that's a part of parenting. Breaks when the kids are older, such as with sleepovers at friends' places, is what most parents look forward to. If there's a valid reason for not being able to cope with the kids on weekends, such is with carers burnout (regarding her father), post natal depression etc, these are issues that would need to be addressed so as to develop skills in managing. Of course, I don't have to tell you that, as this is how you work hard in managing mental health challenges (with professional help, addressing issues).

Also wondering why your partner feels the need to look after the children so often. Is it out of guilt, a sense of duty or something else? If her daughter is someone who leads her to feel guilty about things, it could pay to suggest 'It's time to start addressing the amount of guilt your daughter leads you to feel, it's not healthy for you and it's gotten to the point where it's not healthy for us'.

I've said to my husband on occasions 'I can't understand why you can't feel the need to address this issue we're facing. I can feel it, even if you can't'. I've come to realise over the years that a relationship partly develops constructively out of need, a need to address new challenges as well as old ones in some cases. While you've risen to a number of challenges in addressing your partner's needs over the years, ones that have been hard for you to manage and tolerate, I think the question perhaps becomes 'How many of her daughter's needs am I prepared to continue tolerating before I announce I've had enough and just can't cope anymore?'. Her need to lead you to jealousy, lead you to frustration, lead you to far less time with your partner, lead you to torment and so much more has got to have a cut off point, some kind of boundary.

[Tigs888]

Thank you 🙏🏻 for your support and valued advice. 

You’re spot on …. The leverage that’s been used by her daughter is basically ‘payback’ for leaving and divorcing her dad when she was in her teens. My partner rebounded into a toxic 3 year relationship with an alcoholic and domestic abuse situation. 
The divorce was due to his autism behaviour of zero empathy and immature behaviour in the marriage. Zero parenting as a father … everything was and still is a joke!!! It’s all about his work and has zero respect for personal boundaries. 
Hence why I refused to have much contact with him. 
The daughter is a narcissistic manipulator who uses words and make believe illnesses to control her mum. And last 2 years used her kids as leverage …her mum has to visit her every Wednesday straight after work for ‘family time’ but that’s now being abused by the daughter who gets the mum to cook and bathe the kids when she goes there on Wednesday nights. This is the daughter who only works 2 days a week but has the kids in care 3 days. 
The reason I have stopped going over every Sundays is because 1. Her autistic ex husband walks over from the granny flat and takes control of our interaction with the 2 infants. He has no personal boundaries. The daughter then uses our visit to ‘disappear with her husband’ for hours on the pretext of shopping. My partner ends up doing her house chores as her daughter is lazy. Then her daughter will demand we all go out for dinner and her mum ends up paying for their meals. 
I had to become assertive and stop my visits each Sundays. The ungratefulness and rudeness shown by her daughter had to stop and I kept the peace and stopped going. 
But now every discussion I attempt with my partner re the on going issues caused by her daughter is ‘shot down’ and I am blamed as the person with the issue.. the term is gaslighting. 
My 30 years in the policing profession taught me to read human behaviour and I have had hands on experience dealing with criminals with severe mental issues including narcissistic tendencies and pathological liars.

You are very right… I have now woken up to the reality that my partner of almost 10 years cannot accept the fact her daughter has severe psychological issues and the head in the sand approach has failed. 
I am just gutted that a third party is slowly destroying our relationship… family and friends can see the culprit yet my partner either can’t or refuses to accept it.

I am reaching out to others here who have a social group that helps channel sadness into positive energy by socialising.

My kids are keeping me positive and alive. If the rental market was more affordable, I would move out with my daughter tomorrow and start a new journey in life.