PTSD and functioning in society

[Emmg]

Hi, let me start this off by introducing myself. My name’s Emily and I have PTSD. I was diagnosed as a teenager after surviving sexual assault. I’m now a young adult and I feel like I’m only getting worse as time goes on. I’m on ssris and I have a job and a cat, little things that make me feel vaguely normal. But I’m not normal, I can’t be normal and I’ve never been more aware of it. I’m wasting my life stuck in an unbearable cycle because of something someone did to me 7 years ago. I hate myself for not being strong enough to overcome the adversity I’ve faced in my life, I know there are people who have been through so much more than me and have come out the other side so much stronger.

Maybe im just weak.

My anxiety is off the charts, to the point where I often can’t even go to work or leave the house. I’m staring down the road of a whole life of this. My psychiatrist told me that I just need to focus on survival. But what kind of life is that? I want to actually live and enjoy life, but I can’t. I feel like a fraud and a waste of oxygen.

I’ve put my family theough hell, my mom spent all her money on the best therapists for me, and now her retirement fund is gone and she has to work every day despite her own chronic illness. And still I’m not any better. I don’t know what to do. I feel helpless and pathetic at the same time.

I was never able to finish university because of panic attacks and general anxiety, I’m now trying to complete my degree online but sometimes I can’t even deal with my virtual classes. How pathetic does that sound?

My trauma has destroyed my life, and the lives of those around me and it’s all my fault.

Im not posting this for sympathy or anything, I just needed to put it into words.

[Croix]

Dear Emmg~

Thank you for coming here, I'm glad you did. It sounds very much as if you are believing all the horrible thoughts your illness is pushing into your brain. It's not surprising, and you are by no means the only one. I've very much been there too, even though my cause was different.

You said "it’s all my fault". Whoever assaulted you is the one at fault and I'm sure the logical half of your mind can see it, unfortunately the emotional half can't. It's not the lack of strenght that slows you recovery, it is the amount of damage done (and that can't bee seen from the outside, not even by you).

PTSD, anxiety and depression is like that. It distorts thinking and puts one thought hell.

Do you mind if I say you have some good things in your life? First and foremost a mum that loves you. OK now she goes to work, as a parent I'd be happy I had the money put to one side and could use it to help - and it probably has helped, who knows how you would have been without therapy.

A cat, well I've 2, Sumo Cat and Nasty Cat, and they certainly make a difference to life. Sumo is huge and very laid-back, Nasty is small and, well, nasty in nature. They look on me as a doorman.

Having a job, even with difficulties, is pretty good too. I know you have to have time off, are they understanding? Notice I said "have to have". It is not weakness any more than if you had a broken leg, it is the way it is.

With an anxiety condition things build up in the mind, and sometimes even study can become such a 'loaded' thing it can't be faced. Not logical, but illness is not logical, it's an illness.

You are not staring down a whole life of this. I was a total mess, suicidal and invalided out of my job and told I'd be a mess for the rest of my life. No more work, stay home and take tablets. I was even frightened of the mailbox. Well I'm miles better, have occupation, accomplished and family.

If a mess like me can improve - I'd be pretty certain you can too. So hang in there, find the best remedies for anxiety and panic attacks, develop techniques and a lifestyle the helps.

Talk here as much as you'd like, you are welcome.

Croix

[Idkme]

Hi Emmg,

you are not pathetic, you may feel broken and scattered. But good news is you have tools to put yourself back together. No one will ever understand what you have been through better than yourself, so ask yourself, what advice would I give myself if I was kind and loving to myself? What can you add to today that will colour yours or someone else’s world today?

Youve already made one step. You posted on here. You’ve told us things you love and you are very grateful for what your mum has done. And you’re good at explaining your thoughts.

What else do you think you could do?

I know you may feel that your trauma may have destroyed you but now you’re fixing it... sometimes restored things are so much more beautiful. I hope your life has some beauty in it.

Youve started, now just keep going, keep learning and keep growing.