I am a little lost

[witchy_poo]

For 30 years I was with the man I thought I would grow old with. Sometimes it was easy and sometimes it was hard. I didn't mind so much that he kind of cut me off from friends and family - after all it was my decision I thought. I chose him to spend my lie with warts and all and that was consequence. When you are 20 it doesn't really seem much of a price to pay. I gave my all to this man. A few years ago he was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder and things got steadily worse. I won't go into detail but the last few years were extremely psychologically and mentally abusive which ended in a traumatic incident, "breaking" me and throwing several things in the car to literally run way from home. It's a year on and I feel like I should be over it. but I am not. I don't react to things the way I used too. My concentration and memory is shot. I have trouble sleeping at the best of times and night sweats and bad dreams on some nights. Things AI used to take in my stride floor me and the thing that worries me the most is that I barely remember my life with him. That sounds good I guess, I'm not dwelling on what happened to me, but it is like my life with him - 30 years of it - is like a distant dream of a movie I once saw but didn't participate in. It scares me. I am not the person I was before and I am not really sure of who I am now. I feel like sometimes I am waiting for life to start again, and sometimes I think it has but then something happens and I find myself on my arse again wondering what the hell I am doing. I am struggling at work, take a few days off when I can't cope. People say "you just have to get on with it". But how? My work has counselling available but they have said I may need to find a specialist that deals with trauma and has the right programs to help deal with these things.

Has anyone had any experience with trauma counselling and know what is different from normal counselling?

[PamelaR]

Hi Witchy_Poo and welcome

Sorry to hear about your life. It is good though you've found our forums. The questions you asked are very good.

When people say 'you've just got to get on with it', the hair on the back of my neck stands up. To me it's patronising. They don't truly understand the impact of what has happened to you. Try to be patient with these people as they need to learn recovering from trauma is not as simple as - getting on with it.

Yes, I've had experience with trauma counselling. It helped me unravel, deal with and recover from a remembered childhood rape. Later on it also dealt with childhood emotional and physical abuse.

You asked - what is the difference between trauma counselling and normal counselling?

I'm not a health professional, however have lived experience with both forms of counselling.

Normal counselling for me was something I chose to do when I wanted help to solve a problem, e.g. university counselling and help with studies, when hubby and I were deciding to stop trying to have children. The counsellor/psychologist usually listened, reflected, interpreted and reframed experiences, challenged (when appropriate) thought processes, helped identify solutions.

Trauma therapy for me was been long term journey. The first part of my journey was to help me unlock the stored away memories that were causing me issues. It was quite a painful time and experience. I relived the trauma through these sessions (and afterwards). This was important to do so I could move on. It took 1 1/2 years. When the final picture puzzle fell into place I had a mental/nervous breakdown. I had not been taking any medication (that was my preference) and all my 'happy hormones (seritonin)' were all gone.

I went on to medication, and for another 3 months I saw the psychologist almost daily for the first week then, every second day, then weekly. During this time we did a lot of hypnotherapy - just to get me back to a 'calm state'. Then once I recovered from my breakdown, I had a change of psychs.

It was alarming at first, but ended up being the best as she gave me so many tools to help manage my triggers due to trauma. Tools are things to help understand what is happening when you're triggered and what you can do about it. There are different types of therapy -e.g. exposure, eye movement desensitisation and reprocessing (emdr), cognitive behavioural therapy, behaviour therapy, hypnotherapy.

Hope this helps you to understand Witchy_Poo.

Kind regards

PamelaR

[witchy_poo]

Thank you PamelaR. I think I am lacking those tools. It will be good to see what I can learn to ride the waves instead of just being pulled into the sea of uncertainty when I don't know how to deal. This was very helpful.

[Idkme]

Hi witchy poo,

What a tragic set of circumstances, my heart goes out to you. I think for 30 years of love it can not be erased with one swipe of a finger. You need to mourn the loss you have. You don’t just ‘get over’ an experience like that.

I agree that you could benefit from counselling, a relational psychologist or similar who can help you process your experience and help you discover the wonderful years you did have before things changed. It would be so sad to just erase the whole thing when it was obviously good at the time. Yes, it changed. And yes, it’s left negative experiences but it still had good moments right? And now you can discover what things you value in life.

I really hope you can find someone who can help you talk through this grief and comfort you through recovery.

Please keep us updated. We care and we’re not in any hurry.