Worried about the happiness of my children

[RM2926]

During my last pregnancy I had to deal with a series of traumatic events and had a really awful time being run down and sick.

There have been times where I lost control and asked for help from my husband to deal with everything that was going on.

I am not proud of my own behaviour at times. I have cried in front of my kids, sworn at my husband. One time I threatened to kill myself in front of my son.

I am so ashamed of my behaviour. I know I need help.

My husband can be aggressive towards myself and my oldest son and I’m worried about my son being raised in a household where he is unable to thrive. I’ve been handled roughly and bruised while pregnant.

I can’t keep going on like this. My husband stays up until all hours playing PlayStation, he goes out whenever he feels like it, and I no longer feel comfortable with his lifestyle with two young kids at home. I have found an empty sachet with traces of drugs while cleaning the house. Stuff like that makes me worry about my eldest son finding and ingesting something.

My husband is still a good dad. He is more present than his dad ever was. But I feel like since becoming a parent I’ve changed so much but he continues to act like someone without the responsibility of kids.

I cant really rely on him to help me with raising my two children, the majority of work gets outsourced to my parents and my mother in law.

I want him to leave. The problem is, he won’t leave even though the house was mine before we got together and it’s my family home. I’m at the point now where I’m almost certain there is nothing he can do to make me change my mind.

Tonight my four year old wanted someone to sleep with because he was all alone in his room. It breaks my heart when my husband turns him away and makes him go to his room in tears alone. When I confronted my husband, he started acting all aggressive throwing things and then when I tried to sleep in bed with my son, he got into the bed so that I couldn’t lay down with our newborn forcing me to sit upright and not sleep.

I’m just upset my son witnessed his parents’ toxic behaviour yet again. This kind of thing happens at least once a month lately.

I just don’t know where to turn to next. Or what to do.

Thanks for listening.

[Sophie_M]

Hi RM2926, we are sorry to hear that you are going through a difficult time but are grateful that you have reached out for support here. Our Support Service is trying to reach you via email as we are worried about you and your children’s wellbeing.

If you are in immediate danger, please call 000.

If you are not in immediate danger 1800RESPECT (1800 737 732) is a great resource that offers counselling and support services for people experiencing family violence and abuse. We would also recommend giving our wonderful friends at Lifeline a call - 13 11 14, they can talk to you and help you through difficult moments.

Keep checking back in and let us know how you are going when you feel up to it. 

[Quercus]

Hi RM2926 and welcome to the forums.

I really hope you have allowed the support service to be in contact. Or tried reaching out to Relationships Australia as well as here.

Others will reply here in time... Sometimes it seems like noone cares when the only reply is from one of the moderators, but the reality is we all know your situation is serious and want to make sure you and your kids are safe and recieving some help offline too.

That said... I hope you feel able to keep posting. There are things you wrote which many can relate to (such as having a partner who wants to be carefree even though the reality is they are a parent with little ones depending on them).

You mentioned your husband blocking you from your son and keeping you awake. This is unacceptable. There can be an element of jealousy when kids come along. I'm sure most Mums can relate to being told frustratedly to just let them cry when a husband wants your attention and kids interrupt. But this action isn't the same. It is not ok.

Bruises. Not ok.

I understand feeling stuck if he refuses to leave. But this situation isn't safe for you. Could you stay with family maybe? It is worth asking your GP what services are available in your area in terms of support for women (and even women's refuges just in case).

A friend was in a difficult situation like this. From talking to her I know leaving is hard when kids are involved. Kids are very resilient and they will be fine but when domestic violence is in the picture the kids saftey is vital.

One thing we spoke of was minimising the risk of violent outbursts because of fear of losing your kids and your reputation.

Contacting a professional and getting counselling and support for yourself can help you plan a safe way to leave.

I hope you are safe.

Nat

[White_Rose]

Dear RM2926

A warm welcome to you on the forum and thank you for telling your story. I am sad you are having such a bad time. I want to address the issue of separating from your husband. It sounds as though you feel in danger and also your children. That's not acceptable. If the house was yours before the marriage and you have the full time care of your children then you be able to stay.

I don't know what state you are in and it doesn't really matter other than to say would you please look up the Women's Legal Service in your state. You will find them under that name.They can offer you one or two free consultations with a lawyer where you can find out your rights and options, how to make your husband leave etc. You can also take out a Domestic Violence order to prevent him being near you if this is what is happening.

I know these sound like like shocking steps but you must do as much as you can to protect yourself and your children.

Being ashamed of crying in front of your children is not reasonable when you are trying hard to be the best mom and having to work on this alone. You said your child is newborn. Many congratulations on your new son/daughter and I hope your life and theirs can be lived in safety. Do you think you may have some post natal depression? You sound overwhelmed with exhaustion and some fear. Not the best start to your baby's life. So start making some plans to separate if this is what you want.

I hope you have felt able to reach out to the BB Support Service who will be able to help you.

This is just a short post to give you suggestions to help. Please try the Women's Legal Service as you do need to know what actions you can take. Would your mom or MIL come and stay with you for a couple of days to help you get some rest and stop your husband bullying you. Use this time to make plans and make an appointment to see your GP. They are such great people with lots of knowledge about anyone in your situation.

Please write in again and ask for whatever information you need.

Mary

[geoff]

Hello RM, I'd like to welcome you to the forums and your thread is one that concerns us.

I'll try not to repeat what has already been said and if I do I want to apologise and will try and keep it brief for you.

Your spouse needs to be gone from the house for your safety and the safety of your children and because you are afraid of your behaviour is only a reaction to what he has done and you would not have acted like this, if it didn't happen.

If you have been physically or emotionally abused by your husband, you will need a court order to remove him from the house, unless he decides to go by himself.

It maybe difficult to get him to leave unless you can show he has assaulted you or threatened to assault you or your children.

If you can’t show that, you can still can convince a magistrate that there is a chance it may happen again in the future.

We hope to hear back from you.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

[Ayisha]

Hi RM

You deserve much better than this, and so do your children. I think everything the others have suggested you should do asap. Please get your husband your of you life. I don't think you need relationships counselling i believe you need to see a psychologist, because you have very poor self-esteem and self-worth issues. I have been ill-treated in my life so i know where you're coming from. You will have great fear of what he might do, i understand this. But at the end of the day if you bring the authorities into the realm, men like him suddenly have no courage. Be careful to dot your i's and cross your t's along the whole process.

Go BEYOND where you are... you can do this!

Ishy x

[Happygoluckymiss]

Hi RM,

I hope you are ok? Your feelings resonate with me and I’m sorry you’re feeling and experiencing this.

I was in a very toxic relationship and marriage for ten years. My ex had a number of mental health issues and drug-related dependency issues, which then fueled the mental health issues.

We did not have children but the behaviour that your husband is showing you and your children is not acceptable and not is it right.

I didn’t even know that i was living in an abusive relationship and that I was being emotionally abused and sometimes physically abused (it's taken a while for me to be able to say this out loud).

When i was in the relationship, I did not see this his behaviour and actions were impacting me and my mental health and at the time as I was so concerned about him and his issues that I lost sight of myself, values and self worth.

I absolutely agree with others on here, speak with a legal professional with respect to your home and I would also document his treatment of you & your babies - this will be compelling if there is a property/settlement dispute in the future.

Much love, courage and strength to you and your babies.

-xo