Probably the most pathetic person you will ever read about.

[mogwai129]

Hey, I hope everyone is doing well.

I'm a 27 year old "man" and I've never had a job, never lived on my own, never had a girlfriend or so much as held hands with anyone in my life. As you can see, the title was not hyperbole.

My parents split up when I was around 7 or 8, Dad moved away and I haven't seen him much since then. Around 2 years later Mum got a boyfriend, he seemed nice but he was also an angry drunk. Around the time I started High School it got a lot worse. He'd be drinking before I even left for school in the morning, and by the time I got home he was always in a really bad mood. He started getting violent with us and I was always scared, it was like walking on egg shells for years trying not to set him off. I can remember him yelling and physically abusing us, then 15 minutes later he would be crying, saying he loved us and he'd "never hurt us". I started waking up most nights to loud arguments, sometimes I had panic attacks listening to him. We called the police several times but there was never much they could do.

Over this time I put on a lot of weight, people bullied me at school for being fat and ugly and I didn't really have friends. I used to love school and I wanted to do well, but my grades went downhill. By the end I never wanted to go and I was always so tired, I barely even passed. Shortly after I finished school, Mum's boyfriend physically assaulted me. This was the final straw and he finally left us, but we didn't have the money to get my teeth fixed. I was so embarrassed and ashamed I stopped looking after myself completely, I just wanted to hide away and never be seen again.

... And that's basically what I did. It's almost 10 years later and like a useless child I still let Mum support me. I've been trying to apply to jobs for years and I just can't, I basically have a breakdown just trying to figure out what to put on my blank resume, I have tears in my eyes just thinking about it. I know how pathetic it sounds but I can't explain it, anxiety just cripples me. I lost weight but I actually feel worse about how I look now, I'm so ugly and scrawny. I'm too scared to even ask for help, I have a lump in my throat just posting here. Worst of all is knowing I've wasted what should've been the best time of my life, the regret is so painful. I don't know what to do. I just want to be normal.

[Sophie_M]

Hey mogwai129,

Welcome to our friendly online community and thank you so much for sharing your journey with us here. It was very brave of you to do so and we are so sorry to hear what you've been through and how much you are struggling right now. We understand that these feelings must be really overwhelming, especially if you struggle to open up to others and reach out. But please know that you do not have to do this alone. Many in our community have had similar feelings and understand. Hopefully a few of them will pop by soon and offer you some words of kindness and advice. 

Can we ask if you are you currently receiving mental health support, or have in the past? Please know that you don't have to keep these feelings bottled up inside, and we think it would really help to be able to talk through these thoughts and feelings. If you are not sure of how to access mental health support, the Beyond Blue Support Service is available to you anytime on 1300 22 4636 or you can also get in touch with us on Webchat (3pm-12am AEST) at: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport You might also like to reach out to our friends at the Blue Knot Foundation who are experienced in supporting those who have experienced childhood trauma at: https://www.blueknot.org.au/

We hope you also know that our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) and the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467) at there for you 24/7 day or night to help support you. Please do feel free to use these services as often as you need to talk through what's on your mind when it's feeling like too much to cope with.

We hope you also feel free to keep us updated here on your thread with what you are feeling and experiencing whenever you feel up to it - we hope that you find this to be a safe and non-judgemental space.

[TheBigBlue]

Hi mogwai,

The fact you are here posting about shows you are considering change. That’s a BIG step to take.

Don’t put too much pressure on yourself, sometimes you need to start small. Would you be interested in doing a TAFE course, online uni course? Is there something that particularly takes your interest?

i think you are being really brave just thinking about change, who knows where your path could take you?

[tranzcrybe]

Hi mogwai129,

A very warm welcome to Beyond Blue. Posting for the first time on the forums takes courage and you have a deep desire to resolve your situation - 10 points to you right there!

Sorry, I can't find anything pathetic in your post. In fact, I think you have endured so much in your childhood that you have experienced more than you deserve.

Okay, at 27 I think you realise you're a late starter, but that's fine. Most people find a hiatus somewhere in life's journey - many around their 40's, or after they retire. You're just getting it out of the way now and have used that time to take stock of your life that has led you to where you are.

How did you find yourself losing weight?

Do you really think your best years are from 20 to 30? From my experience it was a perpetual journey through shallowness and conceit, trying to measure myself against other equally plastic individuals. Every day is better and better as you experience more and grow to accept who you are.

For finding a job, what do you like doing?

I hope to hear more.

Regards,

t.

[mogwai129]

Thanks for that, I appreciate the links and numbers. No I've never tried to get any mental health support, actually I've never spoken to anyone about this in real life. The few times I've tried I get too upset and just stop, but hopefully I can do better. I'll try to post here some more, it's a very nice forum.

[mogwai129]

Thanks BigBlue. I have thought about doing some sort of course but I honestly don't know, nothing stands out to me. I hate to be even more of a downer but I just have so little motivation or interest in anything anymore. I don't know if it's just depression but everything just seems so bleak and I'm always exhausted. I used to be really interested in science, apparently when I was 2 years old I would go around telling people I wanted to be a volcanologist or a paleontologist when I grew up, lol. But of course that's not very realistic! These days, God I really don't know. The only thing that ever makes me feel any sort of "spark" I guess is learning something new on guitar. I've thought about doing some kind of music course but then that's not exactly a realistic career choice either. Also, this might be silly, but I'm really scared of putting myself in debt to do a course. I've literally never had more than like $300 to my name, I don't even know how any of it works.

[mogwai129]

Thanks tranzcrybe

You are too kind, but I think being this old and not being self sufficient is pretty awful. I wouldn't blame you for thinking otherwise.

My weight has definitely been a bit of a journey. It's amazing how it can creep up on you. I mentioned the bullying, so I knew I was overweight, but it actually got a lot worse after school finished. I was eating and drinking so much junk, it was definitely a way of coping for me. Then I just remember weighing myself for the first time in years and being so shocked that I was up around 120kg. In the shape I was in, I was too embarrassed to go exercising anywhere. So for about 6 months I literally just did laps in our back yard, walking first and eventually running. I started drinking only water and eating a lot better. But I ended up going too far, and about 2 years later I was actually underweight at 65kg. Since then I've been doing less cardio and eating more and I'm at a healthier weight now, around 77kg.

Hmm, well I'm sure our best years vary for each person, but it seems like when you're young is typically the most exciting and enjoyable time. Moving out, buying a car, finding a partner, falling in love, etc. Most people I know around my age (and younger) have an impressive career and are either married with kids or in a long term relationship. Then there's me with literally nothing to show for it other than thousands of wasted hours in video games. If my life was a film you could cut out the last 9 years and the audience wouldn't bat an eye, other than the weight loss not a thing has changed. It's worse too because a guy in my situation is about the biggest red flag there is. Never been in a relationship at 27 and a blank resume? Eek.

What do I like doing? Music is my favourite thing, I play guitar a lot. But I know that doesn't help much with finding a job. I do accept that I may very well have to do jobs I don't enjoy and I'm fine with that. It's just the anxiety that gets in the way. I can't think of anything more scary than an interview. "What the hell have you been doing for the last 9 years?" I honestly don't know how to approach that.

Thanks again.

[tranzcrybe]

Hi mogwai129,

Wow, I don't know any so called 'pathetic' people with that amount of will power to lose weight like that without professional intervention - you could become a weight loss consultant and motivate others with your level of commitment. Perhaps you could even write a book and make your fortune!

Yes, you're right about choices people make but the things you mentioned are not limited to that window of opportunity - you can still "move out, buy a car, find a partner, fall in love, etc." (and some do that many times over their lives trying to get it right) and your best years are the experiences you make, whenever that begins. BTW, most of the things you mentioned need to be bought, maintained, negotiated and compromised, so defining them as 'best years' is debatable. Many find their best years are once the kids have moved out and they aren't struggling with finances and family obligations.

Okay, for the last 9 years you have been in stasis - you have one big advantage: resolve to overcome. Comparison serves no purpose here - you are embarking now and that's no different to any other making the same journey. The same applies to meeting people and finding a connection - people searching for love are of all ages and you have the advantage of being untainted by divorce or relationship baggage.

Guitar? Entertainer, teacher, busker, composer - you have history to give your songs impact (have you written anything?). Perhaps your story is waiting to be written. If you want 'mainstream' and are worried about your 'empty space', perhaps you could embark on self employed or franchise (some have flexible terms for finance although there is risk). Similar to BigBlue, but not TAFE, you could take an apprenticeship (governments are plugging these) and learn on the job.

We tend to see things from opposite ends, but I guess that's why forums can be so helpful to finding a path.

Regards,

t.

[mogwai129]

You're right, I guess it just doesn't seem quite the same to do all those things when I'm almost 30, and no matter what I can't get the wasted time back. I know it's wrong to compare, but I'm going to be playing catch up my entire life. I can understand some people having their best years after their own kids have grown up and moved out. At that point they can relax knowing they've lived a successful and fulfilling life. I would love to reach that point someday but I don't think it's on the cards for me.

I hope you're right! But I really don't feel like I have the resolve, I feel defeated and like my life is already over. So many flaws and problems I don't even know where to begin. I'd love to find that connection someday, I wonder if having zero experience is better or worse than having baggage? Then again I'm probably too ugly to find someone.

I have written a few little things but mostly I arrange songs for guitar and do covers. An apprenticeship could definitely be good, I just need to somehow apply and go every day without being a nervous wreck. I just don't understand how people do it. Is applying for a job this terrifying for most people? Do they get that crushing weight on their chest, shallow breathing and cry for no damn reason? Ah I don't even know, I'm probably a lost cause.

Sorry, I have no optimism tonight, kinda tired and down. But I really do appreciate your perspective and advice / suggestions.

[Guest_1055]

Hello,

I had tears in my eyes reading your first post on this thread. I am so very sorry for all the abuse you have gone through. I wish you were treated with kindness especially by your dear mums boyfriend and the bully's at school.

I like how you play guitar. I play the flute, though I am not very good at. Do you let all your emotions come out when you play? And yeah I think it's a great idea to do some formal music course. Do you receive centerlink payments? I know you said your mum is supporting you, but I just wondered if you were receiving any. If you do you only need to pay a concession amount through TAFE. I am in NSW, but I think it is pretty much the same in all states. Also if you are in Victoria they were offering free courses at TAFE. They are properly still doing it. They might have some music courses. Just think going to a TAFE may help build confidence. Plus you like music.

Good on you for doing all that exercise and eating better. Do you have a big backyard then? Wonder if stuff like that could possibly go on a resume? Shows you have determination, perservance plus properly other good qualities. Losing that amount of weight is no small thing. Do you have any weights? Maybe you could built up the muscles in your body by lifting weights.

And yeah you actually sound like a really nice person.

Shelley