Missing my children

[NoHope8]

Its been 7.5 years....long, long, traumatic years without my children.

My ex husband and my old friend...his partner one day didn't return them. By the time I had spent and sold everything I owned to try and see them...yes, apparently they may do this...police were no help...just inflamed the situation....by that time it ws many many months and my once loving little angels were 'terrified' and scared of me and didn't want to know me.

It's alienation...i am reconciled with that and don't blame them for rejecting me...but it doesn't stop my sadness and devastation of it all. I get flashbacks daily of all sorts of things....despite me being a nice person and law abiding...i have been arrested twice (Seriously...you wouldn't believe it could happen based on no evidence of anything, just phone calls made by my old 'friend')...I have lost any money I had...furniture , everything sold, nearly lived in my car with my dogs twice over 5 moves in 2 years...I had to keep downsizing to more affordable places...I didn't have very many options...my self esteem is shot...I'm trying to do uni at my older age and my 20 year old self (that failed uni) is screaming loser constantly....so 2 essays are due and I have to deal with the actual process as well as calming my inner guard that wants to protect me from more failure...in my job I often have people that get upset...that happened this morning...I did a favour and said I wouold train someone...I didn't want to..and I ask for too little money...anyway...she got upset over a family thing...so I gave her coffee and a chat and then she wanted to train after...so I have given up my morning when I desperately need to get my uni work done now....and I am emotionally spent comforting her...I am being selfish now...shes a lovely person , but she has her daughters...i don't...

I miss them so much...what are they doing? What do they look like... I social media stalk everyday...but they rarely ever post any photos...The ones they do have comments...all from people I once knew...some who sympathise with me...some who even said they would find more pictures for me and share them...they never have.

I am so so sad...I just constantly feel like crying....I keep a brave face for everyone else...no one wants to hear about my stuff...I don't blame them...there is nothing that can be done ...., but I am so tired and exhausted of listening to everyone's stuff...it always leaaves me very flat and unable to focus on...my assignments...argh!

sorry

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

I hesitated in replying as it is difficult to offer answers. But I'll try.

First, a short story. My children were 7 and 4yo when, following a suicide attempt, I left the family home. I had fortnightly access to my girls.

Fast track 20 years and I was about to walk my eldest down the aisle. I thought "who would have taken my place had I taken my life"?.

Therein lies one answer- never give up that one day your kids, likely near adults, will come knocking. It could be they realise things, the wrong in keeping them from you, wondering what you're like or they want the truth...it is very likely it will happen.

Until then, what can you do? Well you get a life that is busy, interesting and diverse. Hobbies, sports and clubs. So busy you're mind is tired at night.

Every now and then you allow for grieving time. Then, back to your busy life.

Although I had my kids fortnightly access, being a caring dad I still grieved my full time fatherhood. I'd ring on Wednesday night's to chat with them until my narc ex stopped it, cruel it was. I felt like a sperm donor.

When my eldest turned 12yo she had her school shoes stolen while doing PT at school. Her mother forced her to wear gumboots as punishment. She was ridiculed by other kids. I purchased new shoes and delivered them to her school. One month later she came to live with me. In effect she was as I'll treated as I was. She's 31yo now and hasn't seen her mother for 11 years.

Please keep hoping but try to keep busy. Life has a way of equalling things out eventually.

TonyWK