Partner with PTSD - Chronic Disorganisation HELP

[SmashingBlueCars]

I live in the Hills District NSW with my partner who currently suffers Chronic PTSD & ADHD.

He is on workers compensation at the moment, and is not working.

He's family kicked him out of his home as their culture doesn't believe in mental illness, and refused to support him. I rented a house for us so I could take care of him, however just after we moved in, he began impulsive buying and chronic disorganisation & messiness. I hear this is typical for people with mental injuries. He has a regular Psychologist & Psychiatrist but they don't address this issue.

We've only been in the house 4 months and the problem is far too big for me to tackle on my own. Once I can clean an area, I come home to find it is back to how it was. I spend what few hours I have after work and my weekends off just cleaning and trying to support his mood swings, make sure he's eating and showering, and try to get him out of the house, only for it all to be undone once I'm back at work.

I'm worried we may lose our house come inspection time, as I have nobody to help, I work full time in the CBD with 12hr working days & 2hrs travel time and we cannot afford professional cleaners for the time we would need them. I'm worried even if we did, it may not stay that way for long.

I'm told insurance is to pay for cleaning and organising support for people on workers compensation for a mental injury, however his insurance company are being incredibly difficult. They've threatened several times to cut him off.

We really need help, but we just can't afford the resources available.

Does anybody know if there is a charity group or government assistance program that helps with such matters? I'm desperate.

[Quercus]

Hi SmashingBlueCars and welcome to the forums,

I wonder if cleaning services are really a solution. You'll constantly be getting them back to clean.

I would be asking why has the psychiatrist OR psychologist not addressed this issue? It does fall within their ability to help with seeing as his inability to focus or organise makes him at risk of losing the rental (and you too)!

Do you know if he sees his messiness as a problem? Has he even asked the medical team for help and disclosed how bad it is?

Maybe you could see if they could see you both as a couple so you can stress you are going to lose your accomodation of he doesn't get help.

In the meantime how does he respond at home to you talking about the problem? If you had a set routine for daily cleaning could he follow it?

As to the home inspections it sounds awful but is it possible for him to stay with a friend on inspection day so you know that when you lock the house it will be clean when they check? It doesn't change anything but you NEED somewhere to live.

As to your exhaustion what have you got in place to look after yourself? It sounds like you work and clean and act as carer. That is difficult to do without resentment long term. He is an adult and you're his partner not a Mum. It has to be a two way street sometimes!

Sorry I haven't been much help. Just wanted you to know you're welcome here and that someone is listening if you need to vent.

Please take care of yourself.

Nat

[SmashingBlueCars]

Thank you, Nat!

Your comments and advice are appreciated so much! It's nice just to have someone give it.

As for the therapist issuing help, I have tried to stress the problem to them on several occasions. We were seeing his psychologist as a couple for a few weeks, but were asked to see him separately instead, as our sessions together proved too difficult, and my partner could not be rational or calm, and was overwhelming the session with his own queries. Nobody could get a word in, and it wasn't productive.

I have seen the psychologist alone since, and stressed again the much needed assistance I require to also stay sane and keep us both healthy without one of us becoming resentful and burnt out, but I feel the psych was more sympathetic than solutional. I will ask the psychologist again what avenues he can offer in terms of assistance and why one was not recommended sooner. Thank you for mentioning it! It may be the knowledge I needed for us to keep a roof over our heads!

My partner knows of the problem, is ashamed by it, is unable to motivate himself to do anything about it.. but bringing it up is a real problematic soft spot. Extreme push back, defensiveness, manipulation of the subject to take the attention off him and onto my flaws as a housekeeper, etc. I've tried a chore board - too offensive and patronizing. I've tried negotiation - he doesn't keep his side if the deal. Ive tried altermatums - Massive hissy fit and I'm the devil.

Keep in mind - he was a clean freak, well dressed, well groomed, generous and caring individual working in the medical research prior to this. This injury has turned him into a giant man baby.

You are correct that when we hire a cleaner it goes back to how it was in several hours. We've managed to get, insisted by his lawyers, his insurance company to send an inspector for household assistance.. so we will see if they can do anything for us of value.

Thanks again 🙂

[Quercus]

Hi SBC and thanks for writing back,

I'm glad you got some use out of my reply.

Something you wrote in your last post really jumped out at me. You mentioned this illness has made your partner a baby.

I know this feeling. When I became unwell my husband just took over. I needed the help but at the same time I lashed out a lot. It feels rubbish to see yourself as you were and then to think of yourself now. I can understand your partner getting defensive and stubborn and angry because I get like that too. Feeling useless and powerless is not a good feeling.

Do you think he would react differently if you gave him the responsibility of creating the cleaning schedule? Would he do it or even try if it was something he had a say in?

Another thing I remembered is a good friend from uni with ADHD. Her home was chaotic too. It isn't laziness or disorganisation or even untidyness. It was an inability to focus on a task and complete it. For example choosing where to begin. I would pick up any rubbish first. Sort and organise quickly. But for her she would struggle to get started. Or she would clean out the fridge so more dishes added to existing ones. And then get overwhelmed at the extra mess.

She is so much better after finding medication that works for her but also working with cognitive based therapy. A big problem for her and her husband was she needed her own routines. If he pushed cleaning plans or changes she would get very upset. However when he was away for a while I noticed her house became so much better because she set her own routines and patterns.

I wonder also if your partner could ask his therapist if there are any online courses or activities he could do at home to help himself?

I hope you can find some time to relax and care for yourself too.

Nat