Newbie.... hello, and ....stuff.

[Set_Me_Free]

Hi everyone, I am new here, and just wanted to say hello. I had a huge and very frightening awakening last week...... which has led me here. I have read so much this last week, and it is just so unbelievable that I have been living like this so long (i'm 37 and referring to sustained physical and emotional abuse as a child). I realise now I have become adept at avoidance: life, people, rationalising/normalising my behaviour.

What i'm dealing with - it "looks" like PTSD. Complex PTSD. I thought only soldiers experienced this, let alone different types! I have a whole new perspective. Tomorrow I see the GP, get a referral or something. I honestly don't know what I am doing. I have found a psychologist, but the thought makes my hands shake & I want to vomit. The fear is out of control (traumatic experience in childhood with court appointed "counsellors" and so-called "confidentiality". Subsequently things I had said in my sessions were read out, to a courtroom full of people (including my parents) - which led to further abuse, that then led to me being removed from the home. I was placed in some backwater half-way house where I was treated like a criminal, and kept away from the other children, as if I was responsible for the violence. Then I was placed back in my parents home for more). I guess trust issues are a big thing, those people said they would help me.

I'll admit, the idea of having an actual diagnoses is validating for me, for the first time that a) I am worthy of help, b) what happened to me was real and terrible, c) it is not my fault and d) there is hope.

I guess I am looking for more than a polite introduction, i'm trying to reach out to connect to others who know what this feels like. This is the first time I have had the courage to look back, to do something about this. I am so isolated. I am scared. I have got rid of everything and everyone that reminds me of that time in my life. So many things triggers me. I can't get hot without feeling like I am suffocating. Loud noises. Lights. Smells. Words. Forks. I didn't understand how much this affected my adult life, until I started reading about it, and making the connections. It is a real daily struggle.

I've read some of the other threads, and thank you so much for sharing your stories, that is what gave me the strength to call the GP. Wish me luck for tomorrow, and hope that I don't vomit in the waiting room....

[james1]

Hi set_me_free,

I have to duck out but I saw your post and I just wanted to make sure you knew that people have read your post.

I will reply more later, but good luck tomorrow and good on you for reaching out for help, not just to us but to your GP as well.

James

[Doolhof]

Hi Set Me Free,

Welcome tot he forum and all the best with the appointment tomorrow at the Drs. If you think you will have trouble talking tot he Dr than write down your main issues and explain what you want help with.

I took in a list of how I was feeling relating to my depression and just sat there and cried while the Dr tried to offer suggestions of help. He passed me his tissues and his rubbish bin.

If vomiting might be possible, take a plastic bag with you just in case or ask if they have a vomit bag at the counter, the receptionist might be able to get you one.

I have been so distressed I have asked if I can wait in an empty room for my appointment.

The Dr. is there to help you.

I am so very sorry you have had so many horrible events in your life. I can understand your thoughts and issues around trust.

Can you ask someone to join you in the trip to the Drs? They don't need to attend the appointment with you, just sit with you while you are waiting.

Just remember, the Drs have seen and heard so much in their lives, your story will not be new to them, so don't think you have to be careful in what you say.

Wishing you all the best for your appointment. Remember vomiting, tears and frustration are normal!

Wishing you well, cheers from Dools

[Set_Me_Free]

Thank you James!

[Set_Me_Free]

Hi Dools!

Thank you so much for your reply. I managed the GP visit OK. I cried a lot, my chest was so tight I could barely breathe. I shook like crazy as I said the words. I felt sick, but thankfully no actual vomitus! He was gentle and kind. He explained the process, and did his best to help me feel at ease....

I found a psychologist in my local area yesterday, in an area I am familiar with, so I was able to be referred to him, which I am very pleased with. We did another screening test, and he has said PTSD/ anxiety likely..... but I already know this, I have done a few online mental health screening tests now and the outcomes are all the same.....

First step taken! I am really proud of myself. Scared as hell, but I want a better life, this has to be done.

Thank you again Dools.

Warm regards,

K.

[james1]

Hi K,

Oh I hope it's not patronising to say this, but as someone else who really struggles to talk to people about my own problems, I am super proud of you for going to the GP.

You have had such a difficult time, it must've been so hard to do that and you've already gone to find a psychologist in the area.

You've been amazing.

As you say, it will be scary as hell and probably really tough, but I just thought I'd say that you have your own thread here. We'd love for you to keep us updated and to use your space however you'd like. We'll be able to support you here if it does get a bit tough 🙂

James

[Set_Me_Free]

Hi James!

Thanks so much for your reply 🙂 ... and no not patronising at all. It was a freaking big deal. I'm 37, and I am just starting to understand the connections between my life outcomes and the trauma of the past. Thank you so much for saying so. I appreciate every bit of support I can get right now. I don't have anyone outside my household. So things like this mean a lot.

I think I will keep this space updated James, thanks for suggesting that. I have been reading the other threads and they have helped me so much, so maybe mine will help someone else as well.

Right now I feel pretty good, although staying on task is very hard, I am exhausted, and I am reliving an awful lot of things.

Yesterday my husband came inside after mowing the grass, and he had petrol on him.....I was asleep because I am so exhausted, and I put have smelled the petrol on him. I instantly woke up ready to defend myself! What a shock that was! I think I shocked him too, although he has always known I behave strangely if he comes inside smelling like petrol (I literally barricade myself inside my studio until he has a shower). I understand now, WHY I have always hated, and even feared, the smell of petrol. My father was a mechanic, he always smelled like petrol. I remember trying to wash the smell off my skin, and I couldn't because it hurt so badly.

I apologise if this upsets anyone. But for me, making these connections (always hating petrol, but not knowing why) has been a very important part of the process. Obviously I have a lot of work to do. But I take comfort in knowing what is going on, and why.

I'll update again after my first session with the psychologist.

Thanks again. It means the world.

K.

[Doolhof]

Hi K,

Congratulations for making it to the Drs and finding a psychologist as well. I agree with James, you have achieved so much already.

Regarding the psychologist appointment, I see a great guy who has really helped me. I do sometimes find the sessions to be a bit confronting and mentally exhausting. I like to arrive early and go for a walk, even if it is just for a couple of minutes.

Some times I take my own book to read in case I have to wait. I don't have a smart phone, distraction while waiting helps me.

After the appointment I will go for a short walk as well as helps to clear my head. I sometimes have a coffee as well. I have a notebook I write thoughts in between appointments, that helps me to not feel so over loaded.

In a way it is good you have recognised a trigger, being the smell of petrol. Hopefully now your husband has seen your reaction, you can both come up with solutions so this is not so harsh for you.

Just on triggers, this site is moderated, the messages are read, so if there is something that may be too explicit, the moderators help us all sort those things out. If someone reads something that sets alarms off for themselves, they are certainly able to gain help and advice with that too.

Reliving awful things can be draining. Sometimes we need to find ways to be nice to ourselves. I sometimes buy myself flowers, go to the beach, to the movies, make time to sit in the sun, read a book, do some craft or find some way of sensing a feeling of achievement.

Wishing you well on your journey of discovering who you want to be from today onwards!

Cheers to you from Dools

[Set_Me_Free]

Thank you Dools 🙂

[Set_Me_Free]

An update:

I had my first psychologist appointment yesterday. It was the first time since going to the GP I had been out in public. I didn't get a lot of sleep the night before (not unusual), and I spent the day freaking out over it. I really still have no idea what I am doing. But walking through the doors of his office was one of the hardest things I have ever done, and I am quite proud for not running away.

He was very gentle with me and did his best to make me feel comfortable. I cried a lot, that stupid ugly cry too. I couldn't stay on point to the questions he was asking me... I felt utterly ridiculous, most of the time. I had a very hard time remembering so many things, like how old my parents are/were and the year of an event... I feel like I wasn't able to give an accurate account of what I am experiencing. Anyway, I have to believe that he as a professional, can muddle through what I was trying to say. I know it was just the first appointment, and it was really just to get an idea of where I am at, and for me to work out how this whole therapy thing works, so in that regard: ill call it a success. After an hour and twenty minutes, I went home with a monster headache, the major sweats, and a desperate need for a quiet dark place to hide.

I am looking forward to the next appointment, as hard as it will be, as we are going to work on some strategies on managing my anxiety. I think that will help me a lot.

I'll leave it there, I just thought I would post this as a quick debrief for myself, I also hope to help others too, through sharing my experiences. It could help right? Or if is not helpful, please say so! I am not good with people and don't have anyone other humans in my life other than my husband and kids, so maybe i'm not the best judge. I guess in my own way, this is me trying to connect with other people ..... though online, in my house, where it's nice and safe 😉

Warmest regards,

K.