Being in a relationship where it use to be abuseive

[Jayme]

Hi

I have no one to talk to about this.

but I have been in a relationship with this man where it’s was abusive. He would lie about he’s work and family and when I question it I would be abused.

i ended up getting a ivo on him. The ivo ends in 2 days and I have started seeing him again.

I have a 6 year old daughter aswell, and I have let him back in her life, but I feel like a bad mum to put her through that again.

He had gotten help and is doing Counselling sessions and I see the changes.

but my whole family is worried for me, and Specially for my daughter.

I want to breck it off, but I feel sorry for him because I have lead him on so many time.

But he’s lies and past abuses behaviour makes me not be completely in love with him.

Ans i I don’t want to make same mistakes again.

[Doolhof]

Hi Jayme,

Welcome tot he community here.

Only you can decide what is the best thing to do. Sometimes a sense of loneliness or duty can make us feel like we have to be with someone that in our minds we think is not right, but our hearts tell us differently.

He may well have changed, only you can see that for yourself and decide.

I'd like to suggest that you only allow him in to part of your life, keep separate accommodation until you are sure about the relationship. Maybe try and see him with friends and family members and not just when you are alone with him.

It might help to write out two lists, one giving all the reasons why you want to return to this guy, another one writing all the reasons why not seeing him is best.

If you do not feel like it is right to return to him, then let him know as soon as possible and have someone with you when you tell him. Maybe ask someone to stay with you for a while so you feel safe if that is a question for you.

Take your time either way. Keep in contact with your family and friends.

Hope you manage to work out what you want to do and you keep safe.

Cheers from Dools

[Jayme]

Do people ever actrally change have you ever seen a case where a man has changed he’s abusive behaviour for good ?

[Croix]

Dear Jayme~

I think Mrs Dools has shown good understanding of your situation where perhaps practicality, common sense and emotion, plus hope, go in different directions.

Taking out an AVO on a person is normally done for pretty good reasons, and they will still be there in your mind, and will be for a very long time. Simply because you feel sorry for him may not be the best reason to get back together long term. Trust has been broken and as you say you are no longer in as love with him.

I've no idea if he can change, perhaps it might depend in part why he was abusive in the first place. Sadly many do not and return to their ways.

As Mrs Dools has said if you really want to resume the relationship build barriers for now, separate accommodation and finances, rely heavily on your family for support, both for you and your daughter. and if you decide not to go ahead then inform him in secure circumstances.

I'm not sure there is a 'right' answer, all I do know if it was me my daughter's welfare would be uppermost in my mind. I don't think you will make the same mistakes again. If you did go back it would be with your eyes open and I'd expect you would quickly bring matters to a halt if he reverts.

I wish the best for you with a very difficult decision

Croix

[Doolhof]

Hi Jayme,

I have seen both men and women change for the better, and others that have not been able to make the changes if they are triggered or find their previous behaviours hard to control.

Some people don't even seem to realise that their behaviour is inappropriate, hurtful or even dangerous to another person. Some people seem to believe they have a right to treat people any way they like.

Counselling and awareness can make a huge difference in how people react and behave.

Some people are able to continue to make positive changes in their lives, some people revert back to their abusive ways and some might just be totally confused as to what they should be doing.

It sounds like you still like this person, or maybe it is the sense of being in a relationship that you like!

Either way, take your time, keep yourself and your daughter safe.

I'd like to suggest you see this guy in public places before you spend one on one time with him somewhere private. He may be very angry you have had an AVO taken out on him. Or it could have woken him up causing him to make positive changes. Just be wary is all I suggest.

I don't know this guy at all. He may well be a reformed person now, or he might not be!

Cheers from Dools

[Maya-D]

Hi all,

I am very new here. The headline caught my eye so I started reading.

I am also a victim of mental and physical abuse and now I suffer from PTSD, depression and anxiety because of it. Recently I started seeking help again as I think when this happened to me I was so involved with uni as I moved countries to study that I just wanted to keep pushing through, but then over time I noticed more and more how much I have changed and how effected I am by what happened.

Sometimes I just wish I could have my parents here, a big hug from dad and a kiss from mum always make things better. The feel of being so far away when you need your family's support is very hard on me. I am thankful for my fiance though, he has spent so much time reading about PTSD and he is always there to love me. Living in my own mind is the main problem, I wake up everyday battling my own mind 24/7. It never stops. Even in the middle of the night. I am trying everyday to work through this. I dig into my life and I see so much from my past that I didnt choose to have and now i cant change.

But I am hopeful and still have faith so I will get there. Slowly but surely. At least I have my head up that Im doing everything I can for a better place.

Maya

[Croix]

Dear Maya-D~

While it might not be as good as a hug do you keep in contact with your parents by Skype or similar? I found it is better than just a phone or email/letters. At least you can see each other and pick up all the little mannerisms you are used to.

I'm very glad you do have someone with you to care, it makes such a difference not to be alone and to be loved.

Do you mind if I ask about what help you are receiving - you said you had started again? I found without both meds and therapy I did not improve. I also find having a life with exercise helps, as does good nutrition and a thing to look forward to each day. I think that is important. I use books and movies, this has the added benefit of distracting my mind out of hassles for a while.

Waking up with the mind already full of unpleasant thoughts is horrible and can sour the whole day. When it happens I'm up straight away and get stuck into my morning routine, I don't give my mind time to dwell on things - do you do the same? In the middle of the night I get up rather than lie and think.

I also use the free phone app Smiling Mind, it is worth the effort as it takes the mind out of a loop of unpleasant things.

I do hope you come back and talk again

Croix

[Croix]

Dear Maya~

On another matter, I really would like you to get the best out of your visits here to the Forum. You have placed your initial post here within a thread which some of us use to talk with Jayme.

Would you like to think about making your own thread? The reason being a lot more people will see you there and want to talk with you. It isn ot difficult. If you are unsure how to go about it have a read of:

Forums / Welcome and orientation / The forum FAQ thread

which has a guide. Of course if you do get stuck just sing out. We will be looking for you

Thanks

Croix

[Maya-D]

Dear all,

Sorry for replying in the wrong place. I am new, and I got confused. Sorry Jayme 🙂 I have now made my own thread.

Stay strong Jayme, I have been there and its hard how our brain works, love and a lot of other things come in the way and stops of from thinking clearly but remember we all deserve the best and worth a lot.
Keep you and your daughter safe, she is the most important.

Maya