Partner doesn't get it

[Soberlicious96]

Hi. I have an issue in that whenever I try to talk to my partner about the abuse and trauma of my childhood, he just doesn't seem to understand the lasting effects of trauma on a young brain.

I had lots of trauma as a kid and the one lasting effect of it is that I have nightmares. He says things like "You just gotta get over it and move on and let that stuff go. It's all in the past."

And I get that he's trying to be helpful, but it feels like he's being dismissive. I am, as much as one can be, quite 'accepting' of my nightmares. I'm used to it now and don't even really freak out about them anymore.

But he seems to think it's a sign that I'm "hanging onto" the trauma. Which I'm not. By sharing with him about my dreams and nightmares, I'm simply bringing it out into the light and dissolving its power over me. Sometimes I just need to verbalise stuff.

Anyway, I don't know if that all makes sense, or if anyone can relate ...... But if you have any words of wisdom in regard to getting him to understand the difference between 'letting go' and having 'side effects' that would be great.

Thanks.

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

Yes, I understand fully and your problem isnt unique.

Imagine your partner comes in from his garage, he is upset, crying and shaking. You ask and he explains a traumatic experience inside the garage. But he has also list the key so you cannot assist him at all. He finds it hard to explain what happened as he was blindfolded.

Maybe you get the picture. Trying to understand a petsons trauma from childhood incidences is not easy. Also, often they avoid hearing it as it is traumatic. I know as a man I'd like to protect my wife but he cant do that.

Please google this and read the first post. This is important

Beyondblue Topic they just wont understand, why?

I also would allow for his naivety. Obviously you cant just move on. What you went through will take half a lifetime or more to recover from.

This is one common reason this forum exists...birds of a feather...

I hope I've helped

TonyWK

[Soberlicious96]

Dear White knight,

Yes, that analogy you used of the garage and the lost key and the blindfold REALLY helped. Thankyou so much for that. Because now I kind of get it why he (and others) don't get it; if I have 'lost the key and was blindfolded at the time' then I MYSELF am never really gonna make sense if it either. In fact, one of my traumas did take place in a dark garage (nighttime) and I believe I was drugged at the time. Plus, I was only 10 years old and didn't understand at all what had happened ...... at the time. I now realise what some of the 'details' that I do recall actually mean/are indicative of, as I am now an adult.

I have also had the awareness for some time that by telling people what happened to me is traumatic for them ..... but that too is something I tend to forget. My man is a wonderful man and is very selfless and giving and has very loving actions. And I KNOW that he certainly feels frustrated with other things that he is unable to fix or protect people from, such as his son's drinking and drugging ...... perhaps I could work on remembering that, and work on helping him to use more helpful words in his response, rather than trying to get him to understand.

Anyway, thanks again for that analogy. Really has helped a lot.

[white knight]

You are truly amazing Soberlicious.

After writing my reply I felt I was a little, shall we say, harsh. I wanted to be softer but it didnt come out that way.

You obviously live your man. It is quiet normal to want your spouse to understand. But of course no spouse is perfect.

Oir trauma causes us to plead for help. The first point of call is our husbands or wives. But we have limits.

Please feel at ease here. We have a great little community of kind people ready to listen.

Feel free to continue to post on this thread as you please.

TonyWK