Numb for years after abuse and toxic family/friends

[Guest_1643]

Hi All,

I was reading some of the threads and was impressed by people's honesty.
So I decided to start a new thread to share myself what I have been through.


Last year I got very unwell and had to get mental health help from the public hospital. I was suicidal.

I had no friends, was crumbling, living alone and developed horrible body dsymorphia. I looked in the mirror and was disgusted.
I couldn't believe things could get so bad, like that you can kind of just die while still living. i was not taking care of myself and was a zombie at work. I told a few people I was suicidal and they didn't care.

My family haven't been there for me at all, although I have one sibling who tries.

A family member abused me verbally for years and destroyed my self esteem, and I'm only now putting together the pieces.
I'm very numb. I keep hearing the word disacociating (terrible spelling) - ---and a light is going onfor me, it feels like the right word for what i've felt. I think that was a part of how I survived for years, by disaccoiating.

I used to have friends and go out a lot but slowly I just narrowed my life down to myself, and I was alone all the time, and very sad.
It became normal and I just pushed through it, until one day I couldn't any more.

The triage was very helpful and pointed me to a group that helps people who are suicidal.... anyway.... i'm still here and feeling like i have a new lease on life. I do want to be here, altough the trauma still weighs me down sometimes.

[Guest_1643]

HI Shell... no one ever much listened to the point where I forgot how to listen to myself... thank you for listening. you are so appreciated.

[Guest_1643]

Hey 2quick... I'm hiere to listen too... when you share it helps others share..I am so so sorry for what you went through. I agree it is complex to work through. I know it can be very painful . I went through a tough time tonight, very confusing. I don't know how you can feel okay and not okay at the same time. Like i'm healing and strong but I feel vulnerable and fragile. I feel so unhealthy in so many ways, and yet so strong and like my life is finally on the right track. I was a bit scared tonight, some of the old pain creeping back. I took a shower and breathed and watched TV. I feel okay now. I spoke to my doctor on the phone and he wanted to speak face to face with a computer program but i couldn't get it working. Afterwords I figured it out, but I was annoyed at myself. Arghs. I want the help and then it comes, but its spotty and not right. Trying to keep connected at these times, every day is bringing new and weird challenges. I am just watching Arrested Development, if anyone knows it...

[Katyonthehamsterwheel]

Hello Sleepy

I've seen you around and said hi, and now I see your thread. Well done on being brave and sharing. It sounds like you had a bit of a shift tonight? Maybe some new ways of thinking and being are coming to the fore?

Arrested Development I'm thinking Jason Bateman? I don't know the show actually, but I've been watching season 3 of the Ozarks on netflix today, which has him in it.

Hope tomorrow/today (we're probably in different timezones lol) is kind to you. Katy 🙂

[Guest_1643]

Hey Katy! Thanks for listening... you're lol yes different time zone somehow! I love that these forums are beyond timezones... i guess it's close enough hehe.

I felt so anxious yesterday but so so much better afterwards. Beginning to articulate what I feel is, I guess, weird and daunting and sometimes terrifying, but in the end, it seems to shift something in a positive way?

I always shove my feelings down, and I guess i'm experiencing some new ways, like you said.

Hope your today was good, too! Or is beccoming good or I must start to understand the time difference!....

[Guest_9043]

Hi Sleepy,

Im sorry for the late reply. I have not been well. (Not Covid 19) I'm usually one for many words of substance, depth and truth. That part of me is just away for a while. In saying that I am proud of you for taking the steps to open up at a pace that is right for you. I hope you are feeling safe here and perhaps the more feelings and things you share in a safe space, you will get stronger and stronger. It's ok to not have good moments or days.

I myself find it hard to speak about the horror I endured. It's going to take time. I've come undone acknowledging the horrendous abuse and truth. So I am resting a lot and trying to sort me and my life out to resemble something workable and manageable.

You are doing brilliantly!

2quik.

[Guest_1643]

Hi 2quik.... i'm sorry it's an exhausting and hard process, but glad you seem to be listening to yourself and getting some rest. You've been helping others here and helping me connect and i'm grateful.... but of course at your pace and i hope you are okay and doing lots of self-care. It wasn't your fault.
I'm feeling better today than last night, which is a good thing - nothing much changed, just perspective. Once I notice how much I beat myself up... it's not all that hard to change. It's just the noticing is the hard part.

Thanks for the encouragement! and for being here whenever you feel you can. Hope the resting is restorative and i like what you wrote about workable and managable.... its a nice sounding place... a sense of settling and calm.

[Guest_1643]

Hey Katy sorry I missed this point, thought I had typed this but somehow failed to - but yes - Jason Bateman! I see the adds for Ozark on Netflix. Does it have many seasons? Arrested Development started 10 years ago, with Jason Bateman and a few other stars, and they've recently released a new season... I'm obsessed with how people have aged, because some of the start were kids in the beginning, and now are young adults. Jason Bateman, at all ages, looks exactly the same. Not one noticable difference. He didn't look young or old and still doesn't.... he just stays the same!

[Guest_9043]

Hi Sleepy,

I feel like I am going quietly insane. I need so much quite and rest now. I am tired all the time these days. I am pretty low on energy and just cant be bothered with much. BTW look at you go huh. Valued Contributor already.

You seem to have a great trait, self-awareness. Not everyone has it. When travelling is allowed again, My partner and I are going on a two week complete rest and relaxation holiday! I cannot wait, I need it very much.

You are welcome for whatever I have given you by coming and sharing here on the forums. Glad you are here.

2quik.

[Guest_1643]

Hi 2quik, that holiday sounds amazing. I think it would be great after all this is over to have a total break. You will be able to fully appreciate it and enjoy the freedom of movement and peace! Yay travels. I'm really happy you're thinking of going on a holiday. It's inspiring and i hope to do the same... when I was in treatment I discussed with my case manager reasons to live, and one is a place I'd always wanted to travel to. With these restrictions I'm suddenly also thinking pretty seriously about that trip - if one day I can make it happen.
Life after covid... seems so hard to think about.
Glad you are here too... and glad to be here... This place is a breath of fresh air. I try and open up slowly slowly ... thanks for the congrats on my valued contributer! It's nice to feel part of the community here and like I have a place to go.

Hope you are okay on the journey.... seems like its a lot to think about now... how are you doing?

[Guest_9043]

Hi Sleepy,

How are you? Me, not so OK. It's been a rough week and I have been quite ill these last two days and just not really coping very well with this journey I am on. I will look forward to this holiday when the world is allowed to travel again. I am gald that you are think of travelling too, I think that would be great if you went and did something you are excited about and look forward to. As for life after Covid, I very rarely think about Covid19 now.

I know for me it is strange because it is going on worldwide and it is a huge deal what has happened and is happening. I just have to choose carefully right now as I am so extremely stressed and have gone into depression.

I am so glad that you feel part of the community and that you now have a place to come. I remember how nervous you were about opening up when you forts came on here. I am happy to see your confidence growing.

I hope you are doing great and if not great, just OK.

2quik.