New here - childhood troubles

[BriBeek]

Hi there,

I sometimes lose so much sleep over this and really hope someone can offer me some advice.

When I was a kid, probably around 9 or 10, I had experimented with both a neighbour and my cousin.

As a gay kid growing up in a very strict Catholic and narrow minded family, I had nobody to talk to about this. It was never abusive and nobody was forcing anybody to do anything, we were curious and didn’t know it was wrong.

I realise now that I’ve grown up that I’ve carried so much shame and regret about it and sometimes it feels like it consumes me. I wish it never happened and it makes me feel awful.

We didn’t do it anymore once we’d grown up and we never spoke about it again, assuming we all regretted it and would prefer to pretend it never happened. I wish it hadn’t more than anything else in my life.

I hate that it happened and would never EVER do anything that made someone else uncomfortable but was something wrong with me?

Please tell me someone else has gone/is going through something like this? I feel so alone when I think about it.

[MelC82]

Hi bribeek

Welcome and thank you for sharing your story. It takes a lot of courage to make the first step to talk about your deepest secrets.

Firstly, you did nothing wrong. Just like you said you were young and curious. Secondly and most importantly it was consensual. Can I ask how old your neighbour and your cousin was?
I can understand that you feel regret and shame but there is no need to. You were kids! Also there is nothing wrong with you. It is human nature to be curious and want to explore. As long as it was consensual it is ok.

You need to be kinder to yourself and realise that it was innocent. You are not alone here. We are all here to help you through this but may I suggest maybe you speak to a professional. They will have to tools and know how to help you more. There are many helplines you can contact for instance the beyond blue call centre. Maybe a chat with your GP to help you find a counsellor or psychologist you can connect with.
Im so sorry you are going through this but there is help out there. You just need to make the next step.
I wish you peace and happiness.
MelC82

[BriBeek]

Hi MelC82,

Firstly, thank you so much for responding so quick. I appreciate that so so much. I’ve never really spoken about this properly with anyone.

We were all the same age, about 10. My neighbour was born the same year as me but I was always taller than him so that really doesn’t help with the shame. It sounds like a silly detail but it makes me feel worse about it. Like I should have known better.

I would never force anything on anyone and I wasn’t forced either so yes it was consensual. I just feel so terrible about it because we were so young. I was never even tempted to do anything like that again. I feel like such a monster.

I just wish someone had had that talk with me as a child. Set the boundaries of what is inappropriate when it came to playing around. But I guess that’s something that you would either never even consider talking about or something that a parent would never want to talk about with their kid.

I’ve gone through my life so far and honestly tried to do right by everyone I can and in everything I do. I’m not perfect but I’d like to think I’m a good person. But then these memories come back and I don’t feel like a good person anymore.

I have never even considered talking to a professional about it because I evidently have tried so hard to bury it under everything else.

I think I’m generally very well adjusted, I don’t suffer from any physical/ mental conditions that I know of, I’m fit and healthy and I’m actually a happy person. But these memories are like shadows that inevitably come back and suddenly I don’t feel like I know who I am. Maybe I should see someone.

Thank you so much for your kindness and understanding. It means everything to me. Truly.

[geoff]

Hello BriBeek, welcome to the forums.

It's going to be difficult to bury this, simply because you're not sure whether to accept it or pretend to hide it, but you can't push it away if that's how want to be.

At the age of 10 we test and experience so many different activities, compete with our friends, either close or not, and form a relationship, a friendship, ask each other questions that we wouldn't dare ask our parents, that's only being normal, so you shouldn't be punishing yourself.

If you do then you're locked in a corner, unable to breathe, let yourself to be free and to be taller than your next door neighbour may appear that you should have known best, but I'm taller than my twin and he's had more luck in life than I have, in terms of injuries, and good luck to him.

Don't be afraid to go and talk with a psychologist, let them help you to open the door and free yourself.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

[Just Sara]

Hey BriBeek and welcome!

You've had some great advice, so I won't go down that line ok. My thoughts are with you as a ten year old moreso.

The feelings you speak of seem to be more about what you felt back then. As an adult you have the gift of wisdom and hindsight, but as a child, you acted on impulse.

I did the same thing with a neighbor kneeling down in long grass. I remember I was curious but don't know who instigated it. We giggled and played not worried if it was wrong or not as our curiosity was all that counted. Some would say it's a 'rite of passage' to explore our bodies at that age. I didn't have brothers and my neighbor didn't have sisters, so it was a natural choice. Do you see what I'm getting at? Instincts are stronger than social normalcies.

We didn't think about consequences or if it was right or wrong, we were just curious. Would you tell me I should be ashamed of myself? No, of course not. So why berate yourself this way? Does it have anything to do with being gay? It's the only other thing I can think of that may be sitting in your psyche waiting to be explored.

Hope you're doing ok. I'm here if you want to talk.

Kind thoughts;

Sez (hugs)

[BriBeek]

Thank you so much for your advice Geoff.

The more I think about the more I believe I should talk to someone about it. What you said about feeling trapped hit the nail on the head. I don’t want to accept that it’s a part of my past but I can’t hide from it either.

The fact that everyone here has so quickly jumped to support me means the world. I think I’ll be looking into getting some more help in the future.

Thank you.

[BriBeek]

Hi Sez,

Thank you for taking the time to read what I’ve been going through and offering your kind words and your own experience as well.

Instinct definitely seems to be what it was. I guess I usually dismiss that idea as I don’t want to blame it on anything but myself. What you said makes a lot of sense though.

Now that I think about it, being gay might have more to do with it than I thought.

Today, I’m a very proud gay man and it took a lot for me to understand my worth as a person. When I was younger (definitely during the time this happened) I didn’t want to accept it at all and thought that I was a mistake as a human. I was bullied a lot in school as well but luckily through connecting with the right friends and growing into a young adult, I eventually saw through it and realised there is nothing wrong with being gay.

In saying that, I realise a huge part of feeling like this could be connected to that. I’m 100% gay and although I always knew it, I didn’t want to accept it.

My cousin and neighbour as far as I know however, are straight today. Although I know I didn’t force them to do anything and vice versa, I guess that’s part of why I feel so responsible.

Your insight and everyone’s perspectives are really helping me see things from a more objective standpoint, I’m so grateful for that.

If you have anymore thoughts please feel free to share as I’d definitely appreciate the input.

Thank you again x

[Just Sara]

It's wonderful you're able to discuss this issue openly. You're obviously a very self aware man who's willing to explore the past where, if I might say, guilt seems to be a topic of interest.

I chose a boy to explore my little girl sexuality with and later it was young women, and you chose boys in line with your ten year old sexuality, who by the way, were willing participants.

In my experience, guilt can rise when we accept accountability for the actions of others. This is a 'taught' concept and plays havoc with our sense of right/wrong due to a 'fault finding' focus.

My mum was/is famous for this type of attitude. When I was raped at age 21, she asked what I did to make him do that to me. 30 yrs on and the penny dropped; it wasn't me at all.

WE are the creators of our beliefs. I subconsciously believed my mother and spent decades paying for it. I finally accepted my innocence as real and it turned my world around.

Your beliefs re this event are obviously strong enough to seek help. What is it you believe about what happened?

[Flor]

Hi BriBeek

Thank you for your post 🙂 I'm new on here as well and thought to give you insight from another, from my own personal experience.

As per your post, you mentioned you were both (all) of the same age, however as an adult you are unable to shake or overcome these thoughts of your experiences as a child. I'm not too sure how you feel about this, or if you're still in contact with the others, but have you ever thought to talk to them about the situation?

The only reason why I mention this is because I was abused by two older children (four to six or so years my senior) when I was around 8. As an adult, I have come to understand that they were in their adolescent and pubescent years, however I wasn't. Research has shown children abusing children is a bit of a grey area as there is not that much research into this and the 'perpetrator' is still a child in n which could affect future outcomes for these children as adults. Which I completely became aware of and understood before undertaking research for my Graduate Certificate in Family Violence. In addition to this, the child abuser may have also experienced abuse themselves.

Which is all well and good, however at the end of the day, there is still a child that has been abused. I grew up being silent about my abuse, however had the correct supports, knowledge and education been in place, it could have saved me decades of searching, pain and heartache.

Through my grad cert, thanks to the Royal commission into Family Violence, I learnt of the restorative justice process. Which personally, I think is a wonderfully 'kinder and softer' alternative to the traditional retributive (legal) response.

Long story short, as a survivor, I think it's ok to have that discussion with the others, only to see if they are ok. There is also a grey area in this, that to them it may not have been consensual and may cause a trigger effect. Either way, I think talking about it is always great. Whether or be with a professional or if you feel the others are comfortable enough to talk about it.

In order to stop 'confusion' around consent or just around abuse(s) in general I believe we have to talk about it. Whatever feels safe and comfortable for you. I think it's great that you're talking about it and questioning what happened. It shows growth and qualities of reflection, curiosity and a yearning to understand.

Thank you xo