Numb for years after abuse and toxic family/friends

[Guest_1643]

Hi All,

I was reading some of the threads and was impressed by people's honesty.
So I decided to start a new thread to share myself what I have been through.


Last year I got very unwell and had to get mental health help from the public hospital. I was suicidal.

I had no friends, was crumbling, living alone and developed horrible body dsymorphia. I looked in the mirror and was disgusted.
I couldn't believe things could get so bad, like that you can kind of just die while still living. i was not taking care of myself and was a zombie at work. I told a few people I was suicidal and they didn't care.

My family haven't been there for me at all, although I have one sibling who tries.

A family member abused me verbally for years and destroyed my self esteem, and I'm only now putting together the pieces.
I'm very numb. I keep hearing the word disacociating (terrible spelling) - ---and a light is going onfor me, it feels like the right word for what i've felt. I think that was a part of how I survived for years, by disaccoiating.

I used to have friends and go out a lot but slowly I just narrowed my life down to myself, and I was alone all the time, and very sad.
It became normal and I just pushed through it, until one day I couldn't any more.

The triage was very helpful and pointed me to a group that helps people who are suicidal.... anyway.... i'm still here and feeling like i have a new lease on life. I do want to be here, altough the trauma still weighs me down sometimes.

[white knight]

Hi Sleepy

So, as I read your story my heart aches for you. Verbal abuse can takes such a toll on our lives as you have proved. Many people don’t realise this, just like they don’t realise silence is a form of abuse, a matter I’m a victim of.

That family member that “tries” to support you- hang onto those gems in your life. As one whom has attempted suicide once and been suicidal many times can I suggest to you, as you are now a survivor, that you put yourself first in life. That will mean reconsidering family friends and co-workers as to what extent these people are involved in your life.

My mother verbally abused us kids well into our adulthood. Finally at 54yo I, along with my sister broke off all contact. Since then our lives have enjoyed far less anxiety and our self esteem has improved,

There is other methods to which you can set goals to insure you protect yourself from destructive strangers masquerading as kind souls

please google

beyondblue topic fortress of survival (also part 2 and workplace)

beyondblue topic so what are their mental illnesses?

beyondblue topic the best praise you’ll ever get

Some if us have a eggshell exterior. We must put in place safety provisions to survive those people that have harmed us or potentially harm us. Our fragility demands unusual levels of self protection.

Also I think an ongoing thread here called “Do you like yourself- your thoughts are welcome” by blondeguy would be of benefit. Put that in the search bar.

I hope you stick around. You are an example of who we champions like to help.

TonyWK

[Guest_9043]

Thank you for being brave in sharing a bit of what you have been through. It takes courage to ask for help in times of severe distress and just not coping at all anymore.

I can relate to what you have written. My story is quite complex and deeply rooted in abuse over an extremely long period. I just wanted you to know you are not alone and I have been where you were which forced me to spend eight months in hospital. I was very ill.

Well done for keeping on going. It's worth it and happy you are here still.

[Guest_1643]

Hi Tony, I was very moved by your response. I've only just started separating from teh abusive person, and finding out about boundaries. I'm going to check out those threads - thanks for giving me some activities to keep up with. I'm so bored here in isolation!

[Guest_1643]

i'm pained that you have experienced that abuse to. it was hard for me to write about it, but i think the abuse maybe doesn't like to be talked about in the open, and secrecy helps it. I'm sorry you have suffered too

[Guest_9043]

Thank you for your compassion. I understand, it is very hard to write about. You did it though and that is a brave step towards your healing. I am glad you have stepped away from the abusive person. Perhaps one day IF you are ever ready, it may not like to be a secret anymore. Time is all I can say. There is a quote I really love that has stuck with me throughout the years.

There are only three things that cannot long remain hidden. The sun, the stars and the truth.

Healing is not a destination it is a journey. Don't give up.

2quik

[Guest_1643]

thanks for understanding how hard it is. Very few people understand, i've had so many experiences of opening up a little and it not working out very well. The truth seems to chase me around my house thesedays, somehow, it's all coming to the surface.

When I was in hospital I didn't share my story with anyone. I didn't feel 100 percent safe with some of the residents, except for one friendsip I developed, but I can see that because of abuse, for me, it just takes time. So it was a huge and enormous step to share here, thanks for easing my landing.

[Guest_9043]

You are welcome. It is hard to find people that understand when at times you don't even understand yourself. To be honest sometimes I just don't want to talk or even think about any of it. I need a break at times. Abuse + safety = confusion. It's actually not wrong to keep yourself safe from people, learning to trust yourself and others is unfortunately part of the journey.

I remember the day quite vividly last year when it all came to overboiling/flooding stage. EVERYTHING just hit me and hard. All the abuse came up and it was completely unmanageable. I was managing by not managing if that makes any sense. Your story is important and natural to feel protective over it. One day when your timing is right and you are at a point in your healing it will become easier to talk about. For now it is OK that it is not so easy. The things is there is no time limit, it's when you decide that enough is enough in your own timing.

I am still not so much in a good place myself. Again time...... Keep posting on BB when you feel the need. There are some good folk here. Take care.

2quik.

[Guest_1643]

hi 2quick,

Of course, I relate and feel I can understand. That sounds very recent that it all came up last year. I hope you are okay, but I know that these things are always moving on a continuum.... Thank you for the support over finding the way and timing to share.

I hope I can share here, and take small steps. Today I received contact from someone who had enabled the abuse, I'm distancing now. I skim the messages but don't reply. Skimming messages means they don't hit me, because the messages tend to be manipulative, and always containing a few moving bullets.

I don't need to read it deeply. I know basically what they will say, it's all the same fake stuff, and they weren't there when I needed them recently when I was unwell

I'm so sorry you are not in a good place. I know these times are difficult. Thank you for being there for me, even through your own difficulties.

[Guest_4643]

Hey Sleepy, good on you for sharing your story. I'm so very sorry that you went through so much. I have PTSD too so I know how you feel to a certain extent although mine is from different things, but I still understand you. You don't deserve what you went through, no one does. I'm glad the triage could help you at least, and that you're still here, seeking help. I'm very proud of you, and you should be too. You're an amazing person inside and out, I love talking to you. I admire how you're struggling yourself but you still reach out to others and care so much about people, that in itself is something to admire about you, you should be proud.

Take care, thinking of you. Well done for being stronger mentally and physically than you think. I'm sure you still have your trauma and "wounds" from it all if you will, mentally, but you've come so far and you're still here.

Tayla